I’m listening to Loreena Mckenitt. Haunting, dark, fitting. Today was just one of those messy days. One of those days where it feels like you’re treading water in a beachless sea. You’re in a hole and people keep throwing shovels of dirt on you.

I woke up at 6:33am. The moment I looked at the clock I was unsure as to whether or not I would have a job the next day. My shift starts at 5:30am and I’m the only one there to open for 6am. usually this would be a slap on the wrist. A painful slap, but just a slap. About three weeks ago however, I received a written warning because my truck got stuck in two feet of snow and I was fifteen minutes late for work. One more time being late could mean the loss of my job. Fortunately it takes three warnings to be terminated, and this would be only number two

So, I arrive at work take out my key to the drawer with my float. My float wasn’t there. A voice rose from the back of the front desk. “Trever has it in his office…you forgot to put it away last night”

Money money money. That’s what hotels are all about. A bottom line driven organization. I knew that this would result in a written warning. Now if you’ve been listening…that would be three. Termination.

I worked the entire day waiting to hear the bad news. I wasn’t quite sure if I had a job anymore. Truthfully, this idea really didn’t bother me. It just felt aweful after a year of putting nothing but sweat and blood into an organization that you’d be fired for one 24 hour period of stupidity. That’s life in the new millenium. Hey, I work an extremely well paid, unskilled, no education required job. Like they give a shit…they probably have thousands of resumes to choose from.

Fotunately My boss chatted with human resources and was able to combine my pile of mistakes into one single warning. Still, my job is hanging by a thread and I feel like lots of people are running around with sharp objects all the live long day….and just a little bit too close to my thread. By the way, this is the same thread that hotels use to control your ever thought and movement as though you’re a puppet. No, more like a drone. A hotel drone model #384738-B version 4. That’s my hotel name. They try to make it personal, but its too hard with that many employees, and resumes.

So, I’m just sitting here listening to various women sing about their horrible lives. I’m quite happily singing along. I refuse to quit. I’d love to quit, I really would, but not without another job. I applied to corporate Starbucks accross the city, but with no call backs. I had great interviews, so I wonder what was wrong. Of course, It could be a million different things. So, I’ll just wait until my hotel drone puppet string gets cut and I’ll fall into a pile of unemployment insurance. I’ve never had the chance to try UI. I’ve always found jobs too fast. Fuck pride! I want free money for a change. Is that greedy? Yes! However, if that drunk heroine addict on the corner can get free money from the government to support is homless habits. Why can’t a hard working loser like me get a few free checks a couple times in his life. Fuck pride! (Except for gay pride…though parades are just too damn fun)

Not much else is new. I’m still numbing my way through life, barely getting out because my job starts too early in the morning, and if I’m not in bed by 8pm, I sleep in. I’m still addicted to the Sopranos. I still fantasize unhealthily about joining the mafia….I still believe its just my way of fantasizing about wealth, power, and respect….and James Gandolfini. I’m still lonely and bitter. I’m still obsessive compulsive, but too lazy to do anything about it. I’m still inbetween everyone and everything…every emotion and thought. I sit on fences because I’m afraid of both sides.

Here’s an interesting dream I had. I’m in my childhood home and my sister (A very successful person) turns to me and says “I have a solution to our failure as adults. We’re going to live in this house again. Just you and me…Mom’s making the down payment.

I dream of sexy rancher cowboys naked in hot tubs…..or was that reality.

That’s for me to know.

I’m scattered.

Drained.

Oddly happy

*Sigh*