Perhaps I’m alone in the way these cravings happen to me, perhaps I’m not. What I’m talking about is that every so often I crave love. I don’t mean love in general, such as friends, or a favorite cat, or dinners with family. I mean downright, hard core, in your face romantic love.

I’m a very single person, and its taken a long time for me to be alright with that, but I’ll have a couple days here and there where I feel such an emptiness in me that its nearly painful. Generaly I just ignore it and chalk it up to horomones, however, sometimes the feeling is more like a missed path. It feels as though I came to a crossroads and chose my path and my body feels the loss of the alternative paths…even though I know that in the end I chose the right one.

Okay, I know, the last thing anyone wants to hear is me whining about my singlehood. Lord knows I’ve spent enough of my life doing this. Fortunately its not a whine at all. More like a factual statement of an emotional state I’m feeling. It neither depresses me or makes me want to turn back and switch directions. Its just hard to look back on the chances I’ve missed. Not to mention the chances I continue to miss.

Perhaps its more like a biological clock. Some women, and even myself have claimed this deep primal urge to have children at some point in their life. I think sometimes these feelings are a similar primal urge. Almost as though I’m too old to be single. I mean honestly, how many people at my age have never once in their life dated anyone for any length of time. And I’m not counted that girl I went out with for less than 24 hours when I was twelve.

Anyways, other than this crap, its been a pretty average day. I woke up at 4:00am to go to work, which was actually struggle. When you wake up at that time everyday for a year, its really no challenge, but its been about a month since my alarm clock blared at that time. Off to work I went. Ross, as usual was an asshole to me and everyone else. I’m normaly an extremely passive aggressive person, so I marvel at the way I get stronger every day in my ability to stand up to him and his attitude. I just wish everyone else at work would do the same thing. I keep telling them to just stand up for themselves, because I’ve done all I can do. I spend most of my time defending myself against him. I truly wish we weren’t so short staffed and I could get rid of him. His attitude towards, me - his boss, customers, coworkers, and managers is really getting boring.

I’ve had such a destructive energy about me lately. It seems as though everything I touch breaks. My belt spontaneously snapped in half. My watch spontaneously broke in half, and my copper bracelet did the same thing. I’m almost afraid to wear anything with metal in it, because I seem to have this new magical power that allows me to snap metal in half at will…or at least spontaneously without warning. We’ve been having fun joking with it at work. Everytime I get mad at something I pretend to wave my hands at something metallic and break it in half. Sandy cried “You must be a witch with all that power!”

*chuckle*

Another story from work. At one point this morning I cried “GOD FOR SHAME”. Apparantely I’m the only one to think its funny…I just don’t get it…its hilarious! Ross didn’t think so, he said, in a very rude manner “You need to drop that saying, its pissing me off!”.

My response… “Since you love to give me so much attitude about it, I think I’ll say it twice as much.”. Wow did it piss him off. Of course it pissed him off more when an hour later after yet another rude comment of his, I said “You can ask me nicely, or at least talk professionally, I don’t want anymore of your fucking attitude!”. Okay, I shouldn’t have sworn, but trust me…for me to say something like that is a big step in a good direction.

How the hell did I get back to the topic of Ross?!?!?! For someone I hate, I sure do talk about him a lot. Perhaps I just love to hate him…yes, I most certainly do! Because of him, I’ve gained a lot of self confidence and strength. Mwahahahaha….