I haven’t been around lately (maybe one or two of my three readers noticed). I went to a dark place in the world of nursing: a long tunnel filled with fears, regrets, and frustration. I really didn’t think I would be able to come out the other side of this darkness, I still haven’t, but at least now I’m 68% positive I will.

Let me explain:It happened as quickly as someone flipping a switch. I went from being excited about my career, from engaging and learning, from dreaming of future career paths, to hating every moment of every day that I had to be a registered nurse.

Some would call my symptoms depression. I was nauseous all the time, I was exhausted and slept twelve hours a day, I struggled to leave my bed on my days off, and if I did, it was only to lay on the couch and watch television. I was miserable and cranky, moody and angry.I would start to cry at the thought of reading nursing blogs or forums.

In disgust, I ran from everything nursing related.To an extent, all these feelings are still there, they are simply improving. I have yet to truly regain my desire to be a nurse anymore, going so far as to look through job search sites, browse college program brochures, and contemplate running away to become a Buddhist priest.

These are the examples/things that are getting me down.

1. Learning the ICU is a tough gig. My knowledge base is general surgery, not trauma, neuro, or medical. Every day I’m given a patient that I’m absolutely clueless about. Drains I’ve never seen, equipment that is mysterious, treatments that are frustrating, and procedures that are completely bizarre. And of course, as an ICU nurse, you feel as though you should know everything about everything. What I wouldn’t give for a nice simple bowel resection patient. And, frankly, I have barely even begun to learn ICU nursing. Soon, I will be expected to take my ACLS and start being part of the code blue team, then I learn PA catheters, then CRRT, and on and on. There is never a moment where I get to feel comfortable. There’s never a day I walk in and see my patient and say, with confidence, “I know exactly how to deal with this.”

2. I’m tired of being tested. I’m tired of having other nurses breathing down my neck. I’m tired of being treated as though I came with zero experience and need to be helped with every little skill. Who knows, maybe I’m doing a horrible job, but nobody has said anything, and one would hope they would. I’m very good at knowing my limits–I’m almost too cautious–so trust me, I’ll let you know if I need help.

3. On two occasions, when my patient was in trouble, despite doing a great job at handling the situation and stabilizing my patient, I was told I was too calm. “If it were me, I would have been freaking out. I didn’t even know you needed help. If you needed help, why didn’t you ask?” First of all, I did ask–just not you. I had a doctor and another RN who was familiar with my patient helping out. Second, since when is staying calm in an emergency become a negative?

I can’t believe I was accused of being too calm by two separate coworkers on two separate occasions.Let me just say this: Just because I’m new to the ICU, it doesn’t mean I’m a new nurse. I’m used to dealing with very similar emergencies on the floor with less staff, no doctors, and less resources in the form of medications and monitoring equipment. Perhaps I’m not panicking because although things are going bad, it is in a very controlled environment.

Next time my patient’s MAP is 48, I will jump up and down, scream and shout, cry and have a nervous breakdown. THEN I’ll get the fluids and Levo. Makes so much more sense.

4. I’m not a bitch/asshole. Therefore I’m not a good nurse. I’m not bossy, argumentative, crude, crass, or rude,  therefore, I’m simply not a good advocate for my patient. I’m willing to wait a minute or two for my doctor to finish with another patient before discussing my issues, rather than interrupting him rudely to come attend to my patient’s needs immediately (not an emergency by the way). I shouldn’t let doctors dismiss me like that, I was told. Ugh!

5. I don’t spend my entire day complaining about management, the new residents (I can’t believe how mean some of these nurses are to them!!!!), attending physicians, nurses on other floors, my patients, the colour of the curtains, or worst of all, I don’t say rude things about my patient, such as “what a waste of skin!” within hearing distance. Therefore I’m not hardened enough and jaded enough to be a good nurse. I’m too kind and sensitive.

6. Example: My patient had recently been extubated. He was sitting in a chair comfortably, laughing and talking with his family, his lungs sounded clear, he was breathing about twenty resps a minute, he was on 2L of oxygen, and his Sats were 99%. He was all ready for discharge. I did a blood gas. Apparently, I’m a bad nurse because I didn’t run to the doctor in a panic (yes, apparently as an ICU nurse, I’m supposed to be panicked all the time) because his C02 has risen from 44 to 50. Sure it’s high, but we treat the patient, not the numbers, right? It’s an important number, but I didn’t see the need to panic. I’m a bad nurse.

7. I’m tired of working twelve hours on weekends, holidays, and nights. When I started nursing school at age twenty-four, was single, and loved to go out all days of the week partying, working shift work seemed like fun. Fast forward to six years later, I’m in a relationship with a kid (my dog) and it just doesn’t fit my lifestyle anymore. I want a “grown-up” job where I work in an office downtown, get weekends off, get vacations (almost impossible right now with my seniority), get Christmas off, and most of all, I want to come home after work with energy to do stuff in the evening–rather than be so exhausted that even breathing is hard.

8. I’m truly tired of dealing with patients, and especially families,  that are completely horrible, ignorant, rude, people. I want to spend my days surrounded by well-balanced individuals for a change.

These are the tangible ideas that I am able to write down. There are also many intangible feelings that I just can’t put into words. Honestly, the best way to say it is that I feel as thought there is a dark cloud over me and my career. I’m trying to snap out of it, and I’m slowly succeeding. But really, this is why it has been so tough to write–I simply didn’t want to think about nursing whatsoever.

Sorry for the depressing post, but I thought I’d explain a bit about my absence, and give a bit of an update. I regret that I won’t have numerous posts about the many interesting firsts over the past few months, but alas, I just couldn’t do it. Here’s hoping things improve!

Edit: Thanks everyone for your wonderful comments! I wish I had written this earlier. Just writing it all down made me feel better, but to do it in such a supportive public forum is that much better! Just to clarify though, I’m not a new grad. I worked on a surgical unit for two years prior to ICU :)

 

 

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