I’m feeling much better right now. I’ve shoved my face full with a sub and have a starbucks coffee fixing the headache that was caused by my coffee addiction. I’ve sat on my ass all day doing nothing but watch olympics.

I’ve got Cabaret on my stereo and a cigarette going. This is definately a good day. Its the first day of my long weekend. The first in probably a good year or so. Maybe since I went to Vancouver a year ago. I’m sure by the third day I’ll start getting stir crazy and start wishing I had something to do.

Last night was an interesting night for me. I met Ross at the Eagle. My favorite new leather bar here in Calgary. He was there with our friend Jeff (whom I’m severely jealous of because he has a devoted, loving boyfriend who buys him expensive cars and condos). We sat around and chatted and watched the leather world go by.

Hot coffee shop guy was there. At least I know now that his name is Don. I fine him quite attractive and he’s just one of those guys that gets more interesting the more you know him. He’s a strange one though. He claims to be bisexual, and perhaps he is, but usually it seems that in most cases, those who claim to be bisexual are just afraid to admit they are gay. I feel that he falls into this usual category. I don’t think he’s really bisexual. Like I say though, perhaps he is. He was drunk last night, and I really don’t like it when he’s drunk. He turns from a sweet, interesting guy that I could see myself dating, into a slobbering fool. I can’t see me dating a slobbering fool.

Of course, since its unfashionable to stay at one bar for more than a couple hours, we headed to boyztown. It was fairly slow there, and there weren’t many people that I knew, but I had Ross and Jeff to keep me company.

They did something that I beg people never to do. I saw a cute guy, and made the mistake of pointing him out. Of course, they felt the need to bring him over and meet me.

GOD! I’m an idiot! The first thing I did was say “hello”, blush, then run away claiming that I had to buy a drink. I came back of course and couldn’t even speak. He and Jeff and my friend Mike were chatting while I just stared at the floor, wondering why I was being such an idiot! What happened to mister confident? Of course, like expected, I really, really, really liked this guy and the more he talked the more I liked him, and the more I wanted to run away.

This is why I ask people not to introduce me. I mean, you’re embarassed to beging with, so its hard to recompose yourself and start acting like yourself. I’m sure that if I had just met this guy in passing, we would maybe, just maybe, hit it off.

He said he was going to leave and find some other friends. Nope, I didn’t stop him and kiss him passionately and force him to fall in love with me. I simply said “ok” while staring at the floor, still red in the face. I let him go.

He found another guy he liked, I assume, and spent the entire night talking to him. Now, to know me, is to know how unlucky I am in love. There were two guys in the bar last night. The guy (Wes is his name) that I acted like an idiot in front of was one. The guy that he spent the night trying to pick up was another.

What? Am I supposed to cry now?

So, by the end of the night, I worked up the courage to walk over to Wes and say I was leaving. Maybe, perhaps, he would ask for my phone number. Of course, I’m too shy to just walk over and give him mine. I decide to try and save my stupid shyness earlier by acting all confident and sure of myself.

“Yah, so I’m leaving now. Have a great night Wes! Are you coming out tomorrow night? It’d be great to see you again!” There, I said something remotely intelligent. YIPPEE for me!!!

“I’m going to a the firewater tomorrow night (the straight, non-smoking bar that I just might have the wrong name for), but it was great meeting you too. Why are you going home so soon?”

Of course my first thought is GREAT! He hates smokers, but I’m not exactly attatched to the disgusting habit! If he said quit, I’d quit.

“I’m….ahhh….drunk….as usual….and tired….and need to sleep….I need rest so I can come out and get drunk again tomorrow.”

Brilliant! Now he thinks I’m a drunken, slobbering fool! Only on the weekends! I SWEAR! He doesn’t seem like the type that would date a smoken, drunken, slobbering fool. Who could blame him?

So, I went home a little depressed. I nearly cried at my ability to be such a looser when I always thought I was a winner. I was certainly mad at myself.

When I woke up and had time to think about it though, I realized that I wasn’t mad because of how I acted. I was mad because I was so afraid to be myself. I was scared to put forth the person who I was. I’m usually the type of person that will just ignore someone who thinks anything less of me for smoking, or getting drunk here and there. Last night I began to hate myself. And now I’m mad that I hated myself! Because I’m pretty darn sure that I don’t.

Of course, with a new hair cut, perhaps a new outfit, I’d love myself more:)

Anyways, I plan to try it out all over again tonight. Perhaps Wes won’t be there, but you never know what will happen in a night. I mean, last night I dreamt of falling in love with a tall, dark, handsome, and very very very rich man. He even flew me and all his friends to Europe to have dinner at his mansion there.

Dreams can come true……really!