I was thinking about a man I met a couple of months ago. Actually, It seems wierd calling him a man since he was the same age as me, perhaps even younger. It seems like men are only those who are older than me. I’m the eternal boy. However, I digress. He was new in the community, which basically means he becomes “adopted” by a few people, who show him the ropes and resocialize him to fit into the great borg-like mass we call the “gay community”.

My roomate met him on the internet, and being the unofficial “welcome wagon” of the community, they instantly began chatting. Then hanging out. Then dating - or at least that’s what he thought. To my roomate he was just some guy he wanted to fuck. In fact it seems like a lot of these guys my roomate “welcomes” to the community are simply potential “fucks”. Okay, thats not true, perhaps it just seems to me sometimes that everyone in this world has alterior motives and must have some dark end to justify their means. Again though, I digress…

He was actually a very sweet guy, and I felt an instant attraction to him. He was about my hight with hair as black as mine…about the same build. His personality reminded me of my own if I were to peel back the layers of sometimes false confidence and comfort in my own body. He was real and honest and shy and kind. Like I said, he was just an all round sweet guy. Unfortunately, he was involved with my roomate, so my hardcore personal morals and sworn rules of conduct stated “hands off”! Which was hard, because he was genuinely perfect for me. I had no clue if he would ever feel the same way about me, because he was so wrapped up in the idea that he was going to spend the rest of his life with my roomate.

So, we took him to bars and hung out with him and introduced him to new people. We hung out at the gay coffee shop and watched drag shows while explaining why people do would ever want to do drag. My roomate became inpatient because there was no sex involved and he wasn’t willing to wait any longer. When this sweet young man told him he was pagan, my roomate dumped him, calling him a psycho.

*sigh*

I never heard from him again, and in fact I think he was planning to move back to Ontario after the summer ended. There’s no trace of him left anywhere in this city. He has simply vanished into the land of people I once knew. I wonder what would have happened if I had simply persued him instead of taking the moral high road. After all…aren’t some things worth fighting for?

Today, I was talking online to a man named Brent. We met just over a year ago and basically started “dating” - which is an extreme overstatement. I won’t retell the entire story, because its somewhere amongst my hundreds of journal entries. Brent, like this other guy was perfect for me, but things just didn’t turn out. I was completely in love with him…I mean twelve year old school girl for a backstreet boy in love!…but he had to move to Vancouver on one days notice.

I was talking to him about a month ago and a friend of his asked us if we ever dated. Knowing that I didn’t really have an answer that the English language could accomidate for, I just stood there with a confused look on my face. He spoke up though saying, “I think I just wanted more than he did, so it didn’t really go anywhere.”

shock….gasp…punch in the stomache…jolt to the system.

How is it possible that HE wanted more than I did, when I always thought it was the other way around. I always thought he wasn’t interested in dating me or having any type of relationship. He basically stopped calling me and then disapeared. I only found out he moved to Vancouver long after the fact. I thought he stopped calling because he didn’t care. What was I doing wrong. And before you start thinking I should have called him…I did…all the time, then he said he would call me next time he’d be available to go out and do something, and then never did.

So, a simple thought ran through my mind as I was talking to Brent online today.

“Is it all my fault? Should I take more control of my own fate? Or should I just let the wheel spin?”