Remember that craze a few years back? When everybody went right out and bought a cd full of gregorian chants? At least thats why I think I went out and bought a two cd set of the haunting chants. Actually, I think the main reason was so I would have something to read while I read my Anne Rice books. I always seemed to end up listening to Erasure instead. Strange how bubbly synth-pop can be just as eerie and spine-tingling as a gregorian chant.

But as I listen to the music a voice floats into my mind from a lost dream. A voice that carried itself from my subconscious straight into my conscious though. It won’t go away, it haunts me wherever I go.

“Why even bother, you know you’ll end up with me anyways.”

A simple statement said so casually, but carrying so much weight with it. So much that it feels like a piece of lead dropped into a fishtank, slowly corroding and killing all life around it. Its frying my synapses and overloading my intuition.

I woke up with a start, sitting up straight. I said to myself outloud. “No, I will not end up with you. No No NO NO NO!!!”

It was Dan who spoke those words to me in my dream. He sat on a couch with his feet up and a remote control in one hand. He didn’t even look at me when he said it. He just spoke the words out of the side of his pouty lips, the wind of his voice russling not a single hair in his greying moustache.

“Why even bother, you’ll end up with me anyways”

Why would my subconscious tell me this? Why would any premanition tell me such a lie? And why is it that whenever my heart is broken, I feel better knowing that my love wasn’t as strong as it still is for Dan, two long years later.

But like a bad nightmare, odd things keep happening. Every time I go out to the bar, I catch Dan looking at me. Perhaps I’m imagining it, but it looks like more than a simple friendly look. Several times, someone has pointed out Dan and said, there’s something about him that makes me just “know” he’s your type. They tell me I should go talk to him. I let out the loudest laugh…if they only knew. They seem bewildered when I pat them on the shoulder and with a smile walk away. Last night Eddie told me that he was watching me dance, and that I should go ask him to dance. Ed wasn’t sure why, but he felt that he wanted to dance with me.

It is true, Dan and I spent hours, and I mean HOURS dancing away together on the dance floor to the loud beat. My eyes would be closed as I sang along to every word. He’d be clapping his hands and staring at the nearest young angelic boy.

naivity!

I heard our song today. Well, my song for Dan, “Misery” by the Moffats. It was mere moments, perhaps less than a second after I woke up from another dream about Dan. I woke up, cursed myself for dreaming about being with Dan, turned on the radio to hear the song begin at that exact moment.

What are these signals. Perhaps they’re messages coaxing me to try with Dan again. Or, perhaps they are my subconscious telling me I can’t move on because deep down somewhere I’ve repressed all my feelings for Dan and now its time to deal with them. Coincidence?

FUCK!

If I can’t stop this crap after two years, perhaps it will be with me forever!

Things just haven’t seemed right lately though. Off kilter. As though my soul is walking beside my body instead of within. As though its tired of me and needs to live a different life. Go back in time and explore its proper dimensional shift.

Everything is just fuzzy and blurred. I feel like I’ve lost my glasses and I can’t see whats coming up for me, but I see shapes and hints and my brain is trying to put the pieces together slowly to create a clear image of what I’m looking at.

As though someones has hit fastforward on a tedious portion of life but I can’t keep up. I simply see small, puzzling glimpses of what is in the future.

But I’ve done the worst possible thing. I’ve stopped caring, because a beautiful voice has reached me through my dreams to tell me to stop this nonsense and pain. “Why bother, you’ll end up with me anyways”.

If not now….then when?