Well, once again, it’s been ages since I’ve written an entry. If I just wrote more often, I could stop writing about how little I write. But it truly feels like my life, emotions, etc. are beyond words. I guess that makes me sounds like my life is oh so dramatic…but lately I guess it has been.

That’s not true, things have really settled down. Me and V. decided to go our separate ways, but it lasted only a few hours (hours that felt like an eternity). A month and a half later, things are back to calm, and to tell you the truth, I hate it. Him and his husband are thoroughly back in love with each other; swooning over each other like brand new lovers. And, everyday, it seems as though V. and I grow farther and farther apart (at least in a romantic way). .

I spent the weekend with him and his husband–BIG Elephant in that room–camping out at the gay rodeo. It was important for V. that I meet his husband and that we become great friends. In all honestly, his husband is, bar none, one of the sweetest men I’ve met in my life. Life would be so much easier if he were the world’s largest asshole…but alas…he’s the perfect man.

Worse, was that there felt like there were walls, barriers, and emotional blockades between V. and I. For two people that collided two months ago in what could only be described as a cosmic event, we truly seemed distant.

And Lord it was hard watching them be so happy together…..

And time marches on…and I’m back to square one…searching the internet, bars, time, and the universe, for the love of my life.

And one burning question flashes through my mind every day. Why is it that every time I see, think, talk, and dream of G., I feel like us getting back together is imminent. 99% of myself laughs at these thoughts–dismisses them instantly. But that extra 1% is so strong.

Oddly enough, even with all that has happening with V., my feelings for G. have never lessened. I need an emotional switch–something to turn it off. I want to be able to look back and fondly remember my feelings for G., but have no desire to revisit them, instead of marinating in them all day long….

All these emotions, losses, and the increasing stress of work has put me in a depression like I’ve never felt before. To the point that I’ve considered visiting the doctor for happy pills. I sleep ten hours a day, and I’m still exhausted…I have troubles finding the energy/emotions to get out of bed…I can’t stand the thought of socializing (even though, when I force myself to, I have a great time). The whole world seems numb. My body is creating that instinctual numbness to protect me from my own feelings.

I’m still waiting for my pendulum to swing the other way.