I’m a complete mess. I’m going through a very serious bout of insomnia. I can’t think straight and must body is buzzing with the pain of exhaustion. I’m not sure if its stress, too mush coffee, or the complete shock to my system from starting school. Not to mention the fear and panic that has come with it this year.

So, this morning, after getting about two hours of sleep I awoke for my first day of school. I felt like shit, but the adrenaline seemed to be keeping me awake. I’ve decided to take the bus this year to save on parking fees. What I forgot was how hellish riding the bus can be! I am a person who needs a lot of personal space, so being crammed in by strangers is my idea of a horrifying experience. I sucked it up though and told my self that if I was able to do this for years and years until I turned 16 (On my first try…just to make a certain person jealous;) I could do it again.

It felt strange arriving downtown and then immediately leaving. As much as I hate downtown office worker type of people, everything in me said “this is where you’re supposed to be! Why are you getting on the c-train?” I still managed to get on that train though.

However, when I got off the c-train and began walking towards the university along with hundreds of other students I had what I could only describe as my first panic attack. I literally had to stop in my tracks and with all my might, try and stop myself from breaking down in tears…running home…and calling the whole thing off.

I don’t get it though! The university is my stomping grounds. I’ve been going there off and on since 1996! During my first year of university, this year’s first year students would have been twelve years old! Wow, what a scary thought! I’ve experienced pretty much every ounce of crap that a university can throw at you and sometimes survived…sometimes drowned. I’ve worked at the university…I’ve gotten drunk there…I’ve gotten laid there.

But something was different. Something has changed about my experience that has absolutely terrorized me at various points during the day.

I made it to my classes though. One after another. They all seem amazing, and I already have a wicked crush on one of my professors. I will definately be making it to every single one of his classes!

I couldn’t believe the line ups at the universtiy today! There was a line up to get a locker, a line up to sign a medical form for my yoga class. There were lines that seemed twice as long as they used to be for food, there was a line up in the middle of a field at ond point that led to a small table. Your guess is as good as mine. The crowds were even worse than the line ups. I have never in my life experienced such crowds at the university. I’m absolutely positive that a hell of a lot more people are in the university now than when I first started.

The energy was infectuous though. There’s nothing like the pure fear and pure exileration of the first day of university!

The power of loneliness…when new students realize for the first time…that they are absolutely alone now…and all there is to do is stand in line ups…

I apologize if I sound stupid, wrong, or don’t make sense at all…more so if my spelling or grammar is bad. whith amazingly small amouts of sleep in me…I simply can’t do my best.

Not that I ever have good grammar or spelling…