After what seems like an eternity of not writing in my journal, sitting here and typing my thoughts is nearly painful. I find that the more I don’t write about what’s going on in my head, the more I tend to repress it. Of course, we all know what happens next….neurosis.

Okay, honestly, I don’t think I’m overly neurotic right now. In fact I feel quite the opposite. I’ve reached such an amazing calm amidst the chaos that is running my life right now, that I’m fearful that I’m doing something wrong.

I’m living in my sister’s house - housesitting - while I move all my stuff out of my one appartment, and into my new house. I’ve been spending upwards of hours a day moving box after box after box. Somewhere in there I’ve been somehow managing to keep completely (but barely) up to date with my readings. On top of this all, a co-worker of mine quit, and I’ve been forced to work three or more shifts a week. Don’t forget I have yoga, and singing lessons, and CCOP. These last three are what I’m now calling my “forced leisure”, because I absolutely adore every moment of them, but I also know that if I didn’t partake, I’d probably never simply….stop.

I know I wrote in my last journal (okay, I didn’t actually check, perhaps I just thought it) that I wasn’t going to write again until I had nothing to wine about. I was on a stress spiral that I sometimes find myself on. I tell myself I’m stressed out, so I get stressed out. Then I get even more stressed because I’ve become stressed, so I stress out about that, which in turn makes me even more stressed out. What I mean is that I think I’m stressed, therefore I am…and it gets worse and worse until eventually I hit what I call my “stress rock bottom”. Well, I hit that bottom and took a hard look at my life and simply tooka giant universal breath and let all the stress out as though it were air in a balloon.

My point is that I’m no longer whining. Instead, what was whining before has simply become my daily routine, and now I’m climbing my way back up the stress spiral. I’m no longer having “Charlie Brown days” because the little things that made it appear as though the world was against me have simply become little things again. My mental vew is no longer that it is unfare that the world is against me and keeps throwing crap at me. Instead I can look at the sky and yell, “IS THAT ALL YOU’VE GOT? I DARE YOU TO GIVE ME MORE!”.

A big part of it was realizing that my dream really is just a dream. I may or may not fulfill it, but I know that one way or another I’m going to end up where I’m supposed to be. I’ve learned to let go of the idea that is is the only possibilty in life. I’ve allowed other paths to be seen. Just because one path looks prettier, doesn’t mean it leads to my destiny. So, I’m still trying to be a nurse, but I’ve come to terms quite gently that this simply may not happen.

As for everything in my life alltogether. I wish, honestly, that I could give more effort to everything. I know that everything, even school sometimes, is getting only a half assed effort and that traumatizes the perfectionist in me. Especially my singing, because I know I could do so much better if I could simply find time to practice. I mean REALLY practice, whith focus on the music and keyboard in hands…rather than shouting at myself in the car.

Life is good…I think…but I know it could be better. And I know it will be better soon.