As I stood on the balcony and looked in I saw my friends. Billy watched tv as he decided what to wear to the cowboy dance. Jason and Jeremy did dishes while Alex put things away. I smoked my smoke and felt deliciously happy.

I felt as though I were a father who’s family had come together for a special occassion. Although I don’t feel any need or desire to spend ample amounts of time with actual family, desperately miss these guys when they’re gone. Alex lives in Red Deer, Jason in Edmonton. I wish they could be here always.

I asked in circle to finaly feel love this year. I think I do, tremendously. I have what I asked for. Of course I was entirely wishing for more intimate love, but I’ve done some exploring on the spiritual level and realized that I need to learn love before I can practice it proffessionaly - so to say.

I don’t often talk of my spiritual side, because these days I’m so unsure of it. I don’t know whether it exists at all let alone how it manifests itself. I’ll just continue on my path, I don’t seem to need more than it gives me.

So, the boys are safely on their way to the party, and I sit at home listening to Kalie Manogue “Can’t get you out of my head”. Am I the only one who finds this song hypnoticaly erotic to dance to at the bar. I will always have the image of Harvey’s twisted, lusty face as we danced to this song stuck in my head. I’ll be heading out to boyztown later on to party on down and see how the gay world has been doing without me.

Perhaps Dan will be there, and I can stare at him in depression. Carefully not letting him know I’m lusting still. Planning my visits to his spot on the steps so that he doesn’t think I’m desperate to be with him.

I am

I just want things to be as they were two years ago. But different…better…now.

Ok, so I want things to be totally different. But, I want them to be totally different WITH Dan. God, if people only knew how pathetic I am sometimes. Its been two years…why can’t I get over Dan.

However, he is a main character in the novel I’ve been writing. I’ve been writing our story in brief and all my feeling then and when he left for Toronto. I’m finding it very theraputic.

*sigh*

Over all…I’m utterly happy. Completely. Mostly. I’m as happy as I could ever possibly be given my current stations in life - work, love, friends, etc. What more could I ask for than the solidifying of my feelings towards my friends as family.

Although…Jason’s been acting wierd lately (roomate Jason). I almost feel like he’s mad at me all the time, but trying to hide it. Oh well, it wouldn’t be me without paranoia creeping in at every possible crack.

On another note, this one ethical. Billy, who was here having dinner, has a livejournal. He doesn’t know I have one (as far as I know), but I’ve been reading his lately. Now, I’m not sure if I should be reading his. I mean, it really is personal, and I feel that livejournals aren’t meant for people you know, but for you and any stranger that feels like experiencing your life. So, should I forget his journal exists. Not likely…I’m a curious person. I could tell him about my livejournal and put him on my friends list. That wouldn’t be fair to either of us. We have all the same friends, and I’d always have to be walking on eggshells, constantly careful of what I’m saying. He’d probably feel the same way. What the hell should I do? Maybe I’ll just continue on as a spy. It makes me feel so dirty though….

dirty can be fun though;)