I’m not so truly sure why, but I have been completely lacking in inspiration to write in my journal since I arrived back from Vancouver. Even when I did write about Vancouver, I was unable to fully explore my feelings of the trip. Perhaps my emotions on the subject are imposible to describe. There’s nothing to compare them to, and there was no occurances, just a plain and simple experience of a life more my style.

I must move on from Vancouver though. I continue with my goal of moving to Vancouver by the end of the year. However, my mind has been so completely occupied by these thoughts that I haven’t had time to continue my journal. In fact, my mind has been wondering so far and often, that I barely even remember the past couple weeks.

All I know is that work is quite literaly sliding down a slippery slope of enjoyability! Every day myself and everyone I work with enjoy our jobs less. Its an excrutiating experience, especially when I looked Amanda in the eyes and said, “I remember when this job was so fun that I couldn’t sleep at night, because I was so excited to go to work.” Now, Its probably the least enjoyable job I’ve ever had. I’m sick of my bosses brushing of these exact feelings that none of us our too shy to share, by telling us that they pay more than other Starbucks, so we should be quiet and happy. What kind of idiots do they think we are! Every single one of us knows how easy jobs are to get in Calgary, especially with a new Starbucks opening practicaly every day. We don’t care about pay. When are they going to get it through their fucking minds that happiness will keep an employee….not $1.00 more an hour.

Enough about work for now, it stresses me out. My great weekend started on Friday. Actually Friday was a wierd day for me. I did something I’m completely ashamed of, but I completely respect my decision. I went out for a beer with Amanda. The inevitable question came “Sean, are you gay?” I immediately replied “No”.

Now, I felt horrible. I’ve always told myself that I refuse to walk around being a gay poster child and shouting out to everyone I meet that I’m gay. Not that I’m not proud, but in most situations its just not important. And in this city, you have to be really careful who you came out to. However, I always told myself that if anyone asked me, I would be completely truthful, because I could completely respect their courage to ask me. This method works wonders for me. I’ve realized that only people comfortable enough to ask, are truly comfortable in knowing the truth. When Amanda asked me though, I just couldn’t say “yes”. I know for a fact that part of it was the constant scrawlings on bathroom walls about my sexuality. “I’m gonna kick that fucking Starbucks faggot’s ass”, or “I hate that fat faggot that works at Starbucks” I couldn’t really give two shits about these giant permanent marker sayings….I just rolled my eyes, because this is just the type of city I live in….you get used to it. With this attitude going around certain people of the hotel (who obviously discovered my status…really not hard with about two minutes worth of digging around) and my other belief that I don’t want my sexuality to be a part of my workplace I felt unable to be truthful. I remember my friend Jason who was the smartest, funniest man I’ve ever met. He came out of the closet…immediately splitting the workplace in two…those that hated him suddenly and those that didn’t. Neither group would talk to each other. Jason, being the way he was proved everyone wrong and one person even said “Jason, you’re the reason I don’t hate gay people anymore.” That truly is a compliment. However…that entire ordeal scared me shitless when it comes to coming out at work. I know I could trust Amanda. She’s one of my best friends. I’m still ashamed of myself and my cowardess.

My weekend started after a nap Friday evening. Then off to the bar off course. It was the usual Friday night with the usual people music and atmosphere. I was in a good mood, so I had a generaly good time.

Saturday was the real fun! Brent, Jason, Erick, Jeremy, dean, myself and the hottest, but most annoyingly immature 21 year old (can’t remember the name) all met at Jason’s house. We ordered some pizza and chatted, having a great time. I was greatful to feel like a part of a group for a change. We all got dressed in our best clothes and made our way to the Calgary Men’s Chorus concert (a gay choir) to watch our friend Alex perform. The concert was a thousand times better and more enjoyable then I could ever have dreamed. After the concert, we mingled and cruised the many people we have never seen because they never show up at the bar. Then it was time to hit the gay coffee shop. We continued our chat until 11pm and then moved on over to the backlot a quiet little lounge that we took over and made noisy! Then we hit the big bar….boyztown. It was a fabulous night! Ross, my very good friend that I never get to party with because he works at boyztown every night was off, because it was his birthday. Him and I went from bar station to bar station seeing how many free birthday shooters we could get. Fortunately it was a lot! So, in a tipsy state I made my way back to the group.

Jason was jealous because he has a wild crush on Jeremy and Jeremy was making out with the incredibly hot, but annoyingly immature guy who’s name I forget. I was jealous, because even though I gave up on Jeremy, I still have a wild crush on him and I get to be jealous of Jason and the incredibly hot, but immature guy who’s name I forget. Jason and I decided we absolutely HAD to break this little flirt between them off and decided it was time to leave! We were Jeremy’s ride home.

After Jeremy left Jason and I had a great chat. About men, people, us, Jeremy….my sad ability to fall for the wrong people! Jason and I haven’t talked like that for awhile. It felt great. I finally made an effort to be apart of a group and I think it finally paid off. Enough of this whining about not being a part of a group. I’m well aware that its only because of the lack of effort on my part. I’ll get there!

And what a FABULOUS Sunday this has been!!!! My favorite actress AND my favorite actor won the best actor awards! GO RUSSELL (drooooool) AND JULIA

…..I refuse to die until I marry one of them!