A little more than three weeks of silence, but here I am again. I tried writing so often, but words just wouldn’t flow. Emotions wouldn’t come unstuck from behind their wall. A self created numbness flowed through me and to every cell of my body. I built a wall to keep my feelings burried deep, and I’m sure they’re still there somewhere, but I can’t find them. Don’t worry, they’ll spill out eventually.

The life of a passive - aggressive…

I feel as though I’ve been drowning on a beach, covered by a cold, salty, prickly, unexpected tide. Breathing in the water deeply with every breath, painfuly suduced by the weightlessness of drowning. Little prickly sea creatured bit, poked, and proded me. Starving sharks gashed wounds and snacked on my insides. The pokes and wounds are gone now, and the high tide is slowly receiding. I keep grasping at the waves though in a desperate attempt to pull them over me like a blanket and continue drowning.

Of course I mean love, and the pain the exists with it. My feelings for Glenn slowly ebb away and leave me covered in the filth of wet sand. I miss drowning in the “myth of us”. My bubble has been burst, by myself, and here I am alone again.

Why is it that I can spend a year in complete happiness all alone, single, but the moment one man that I’m attracted to comes along, I’m completely back to where I started a couple years ago; a shy little boy, desperate for someone simply to love him unconditionaly?

Then, last Saturday, Brent shows up at the bar. A man I dated last summer for a few weeks, who then disapeared. I had no idea where he lived or what he was doing. I swear to God I repressed him, because I never even remember him. Jason sometimes has to remind me who he is when we talk about past loves…seriously! My God was I thrown for a loop when I saw him. I was in love with him all over again. Glenn wasn’t even in the picture anymore. My mind wanted Brent and only Brent.

Those feeling Ebbed as well, but the aftershock still hasn’t worn off. Its just that I barely remember Brent, let alone had any inkling that I felt anything for him. It was simply very surreal! I had accepted, long ago, that I would never see Brent ever again, and there he was.

Work isn’t so good right now. In one week, we lose two employees, and a week ago, they fired one. We will be down to three people that work in Starbucks….twenty-eight shifts….you do the math!

I cleaned the appartment today, so it feels nice and cozy. I think I’ll retreat to a corner, listen to the Pet Shop Boys, and read some philosophy before going out to party.

I’m back to my lonely life. Maybe thats a good thing….