I’m listening to Sarah McLauchlan (Darnit…I can never remember how to spell it!) and its making me want to cry. I mean, Sarah can make a hardened grown happy man cry for no reason at all, but for me it brings back memories. Truly ugly feelings that I don’t give as much credit to as I should. She makes me want to cry. Tears of hatred for the way I felt for months. I can feel the tears coming now. I feel the joy I felt when I first listened to these songs, and the pain I feel when I listen to them and remember that shattered joy.

It was the summer of 1999. The summer I was dragged out of the closet by love. I have nothing but joy for the moment the door was swung open by a man who saw that I was a better person than I thought I was. He knew I was too good to be locked away from a world that needed my light. He was right, and I love that feeling. I to this day feel like a valued part of a massive family. That strange cousin that people can’t wait to see, because he’s mysterious, gentil, odd, but always fun.

I fell instantly in love with him. I didn’t care about love till I met him. I cruised the internet for random, casual sex. The thought of a relationship didn’t enter my mind. It never does when you’re in the closet. Just sexual gratification. I don’t remember details, I just remember we chatted for a long time before I finaly decided to meet him. For an extremely shy person as me it was painfully torturous. I fell for him on the spot though. His smile, his laugh, his intelligence.

His dark side…I had to of known it was there in hindsight, but I was blinded. I know my intuition is better than that.

It only took two weeks of my blushing romanics to turn him off and tell me “We can only be friends”

This is horrifying when for two weeks you’ve planned the rest of your life, and someone burns your datebook of future happiness. I cried and cried and cried. Every Sarah cd is covered with my tears. Her words are the story of my hopes and dreams and hate and depression. I rarely listen to her anymore. It hurts too much. I’m a sentimental person.

she is the flag that represents me.

I couldn’t let go of this man. He was my first love, and I was determined to make him my only love. It was too much for him. He turned from being entranced by me, to enjoying my company, to despising me, to thinking of me as a stalker (Hey, I had my moments…but I stalker I was NOT!)

We had this incredible energy. Like in the movies where two people despise each other. Hate each other with all the passion of the world. They always end up in bed, and falling in love. That was us.

Through all this turmoil and hatred of each other I had one thing I could hold onto. Sex. We had sex all the time, no matter how much we hated each other. Unfortunately, for someone in love, this is an excuse to assume that you love each other and will eventually fall in love and be together forever.

Oh there’s so much more to the story. Enough for a movie of the week…a three part special.

I remember crying on the shoulder of everyone that would listen. My favorite was Feith. I had been drinking heavier than I ever thought possible. Finally discovering that alcoholism really does run in the family. I was at her place and I drank and drank and drank and drank. I cried for hours. Then she told me to drink now because you have to stop after today. I drank and drank and drank and cried. She was more there for me at that moment than anyone ever has been.

See Feith…I never forget you…and I miss you more than you know:)

I haven’t stoped drinking. I just don’t come home from work every day with a case of beer and drink myself to sleep. I drink on the weekends, but not much.

The whole point of this is that I’m listening to Sarah, and it brought back these emotions. I feel horrible though. I got a call Sunday night from work asking me to work for Amanda. She is too emotional to work. I was just on my way out the door to meet friends and enjoy a Sunday night at the bar. Something I rarely get, because I always work mondays. I finaly had one off…and Amanda was emotional. I was furious! I hated her. I wanted to call her and tell her how much a gave a shit about her emotions at the moment, and that I would never let down the team, because something emotional happened. I didn’t call her of course…I love Amanda to bits and I knew I would regret everything I would say. I regret even thinking it.

It was just as I suspected. She broke up with her boyfriend, and was too emotional to work. I was still angry. I wondered when I would be rewarded with a day off for not bringing my emotions to work. Then I heard Sarah…when I was told by this man that I would only be his friend, I cried for so many hours in a row. I pounded walls, I cried, I wondered where I could buy razor blades, I laughed at that though…killing yourself over a man….I cried. I listened to Sarah. Over and over and over again her words told my story. I didn’t have to work for a couple days after that, thankfully, I would have been useless. Heck! Three days later when I did work I was useless.

I’m sorry Amanda. I understand the feeling you’re having. I’m glad I was there for you to work for you. I just wish I was a better person and could have REALLY been there for you without having aweful thoughts about you. Thank you Sarah for putting me in my place.

And thank you Dan for taking me in your arms when this man yelled at me that he never wanted to see me again and whispering “Its ok…its over now” I understood closure.

The funny thing is that even to this day, I still see this man every couple of months. Every second time we chat as great friends, and every second time we fight like cats in heat. At least we have no desire to have sex with each other…..ok….well every now and then we almost end up there. I resist as good as I can….