My eyes are stained with insence to the point of pain. I’m surrounded by candles that are glowing in time with my music. Its a vigil for myself, what died is unkown, but it feels as though a part of me has. I’m mourning nothing at all, but feel that I should. I am depressed, but more so scared, and nervous, as though I’m loosing a crutch.

And then I stared up from my standing place on the grass towards the towering social science building. I heard it bending over with laughter and blinking its eyes with uncontrollable convulsions. It reached its arm once again to flick me away with defeat. I’ve almost made it through another semester, but another one is nowhere on the horizon. Another battle has been won by the istitution. It was me who restarted the war, a revolt to prove I still have fight left in me. I shifted on my standing place and bowed my head in shame. I was mourning yet another failure.

My failure this time is that I lost my grip on success. I finaly began to receive amazing marks. I was finaly loving school and going to classes. I was working hard. I was proud. My old self stepped in though, and I watched my marks start slipping. I stopped studying, and going to classes, and now here I am nearly at finals with barely any time to scrape together any figments of knowledge. I am hanging my head in shame that I couldn’t defeat myself. My power to stray from my goals is more powerful than my desire. So, I watched my feet as I walked away from the University of Calgary. The buildings whispering to each other behind me.

There will be no school next semester. I’m broke. I spent three months of car payments on food and parking so that I could work. I have nothing, even the little I had was used to buy birthday presents and Christmas presents. I still have five Christmas presents to buy. I don’t know how I will ever manage. My truck has also broken down. I need to fix it so that I can work, so that I can eat, so that I can buy presents.

I hit rock bottom awhile ago, but now that I spent my savings I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom, and then someone handcuffed my limbs and buried me. Now I need to work my way out. I need to find the strength. For now, though, I’m just going to sit at the bottom and cry, gathering strength for the impossible task ahead.

I need to call my parents, and not only tell them that I don’t have the three hundred dollars I owe them, but I also need to borrow money. I believe the paycheck that was going to tuition will be spent before I even see the numbers on my web-banking sight. Just a blip on my accounts graph. Not a dime left for school.

I’m back to being a simple worker. I’ll work my ass off and deserve every dime I make. I’ll dream of the day I can work somewhere I can enjoy myself.

I will win the wars of money and education!

Buddhists are right..desire is suffering. I’m suffering, and its soley because I desire money and education.