Ok, its been awhile. Certainly not the longest period of time I’ve left between posts, but lately I’ve been fairly frequent. I’ve had so many thoughts in my mind lately that are begging to be put down on paper. However, some little voice, somewhere inside of me keeps telling me that these emotions need to be bottled up this time.

There’s no reason. I mean they certainly aren’t any different from any others I’ve had. I realized that they just needed to marinate for awhile and become tastier, zingy, wild. No really, emotions can be that way can’t they? I’m sure that the more you bottle them up, the more flavourful they get! They build and build until finaly you feel them settle down into the mysterious part of your brain where dead thoughts go.

What the hell am I talking about? I mean I’ve been depressed the past week or so. Ever since last Sunday or so, but I can only vaguely put a finger on why. I stress out when I don’t know why I’m depressed and the more I get stressed out about being depressed, the more depressed I get. I spiral down until I sit alone in the quite long enough, talking to myself, psychoanalysing myself, and come to my reason for being depressed.

This week was lonelyness. “Why this freakin’ issue again” I ask myself. “You’re not loney! How many times do I have to tell you this!” I reply.

Of course I’m wrong, I’m lonely and I’m perhaps sick of denying it. What good does it do anyways? At best it stops people from rolling their eyes at how much I complain about being so lonely and not in love. They don’t check their watches and run away to their happier, more fun friends.

Some nights lying in bed, I feel someone in bed with me, lying behind me with his arm around my body, whispering macho sweet nothings in my ear such as “don’t worry, I’ll protect you”, or “you’ll be fine as long as I’m hear to tale care of you”.

Then he’s gone, and I feel that he’s just a ghost of what’s been promised to me in the future. A glimpse, just to know that I’m on the right path, and that I’ll get there when I need to. Or perhaps, my man-ghost is a cruel reminder of what I want but may never have. At least at this rate.

Oh you know…perhaps if I was thirty pounds lighter, or thirty pounds of muscle heavier. Maybe if I was rich, or taller, or liked football, or had a neck…I’d be in a beautiful happy relationship.

Ouch, perhaps I’m not depressed! Its sounding more like my self-esteem has taken a beating. Well, I can guarantee you that low self-esteem is my greatest pet peeve and I will stop this as soon as possible.

Let me wallow for now…

oh woe is me…

My roomate once mentioned that up untill they day his grandfather died, his grandfather and grandmother, a couple of fifty some years, would sit side by side with their arms wrapped around each other whenever they drove anywhere.

That’s my simple definition of love.

I want to be so attatched to someone, that fifty years from now I’m still clinging as though it were the first week. Does nobody believe that souls become intertwined and knotted beyond repair anymore. Of course not. Look how easily people let go these days. Look how many couples sit as far apart as possible when driving in their cars.

I was so bold as to tell my roomate many months ago that “I refuse to accept any kind of love in my life except the kind your grandparents shared! Anything else is just a waste of my time. I’d rather stay single, thank you very much!”

Have you ever seen someone that made you weak? I’m talking about the first time you see someone, and something inside you tells you to fall to your knees and throw up? I mean this in the good way. Its happened to me two or three times. I’ve seen a man that simply made me melt inside with instant passion. I don’t mean the “I wanna fuck him all night” kind of passion, I mean the “I wanna spend the rest of my life falling asleep beside that man”. Kind of like every time Stan sees that girl on South Park, he can’t help but throw up.

Trust me! This has happened to me. Today as a matter of fact. I bring this up because this to me is how love, real love, starts. Two people see each other and instantly feal week for the other’s love.

Why is it that many I know have never felt this way? They claim its just horimones, I know its much more. Is this love at first sight? Perhaps only some are hardwired for this phenomenon.

I’m tired, and still depressed. I think I’ll go to bed and pretend my man-ghost is whispering in my ear:

“Don’t worry, I love you, and just loving you makes me happy. What can I do, Leo’s Rain, to make you happy again”

He’s waiting for me. Out there. Somewhere.

Leo’s Rain