Like an island, this semester is surrounded by deep pools of nothingness. When I work, I feel worthless. I feel as though no goal will be reached or that there is no possible goal to be set. I’m stuck in my job. I like my job, I hate my job, sometimes I love my job. For the most part it feels like I’m trapped on the small island of nocareera. Forever forced, to make one latte after another. The most amazing fact is, that people seem to respect Starbucks employees. I used to. I’m not sure why, they’re no better or worse than anyone. I have troubles respecting myself. Its just a job, its just a way to earn money, no more, no less. My job serves no purpose, therefore there’s a lack of responsibility. Its a safe island.

I met a women at work today. I describe her as a new age fundamentalist. She’s clearly the most dedicate, faithful pagan I have ever met. However, she takes it too far, just as any religious beliefs can be taken too far. She’s condescending in her speach, and rarely takes opposite opinions into concideration. She condems others for the way they live their life. Its strange how I always considered these qualities to be purely Christian. I based my quasi-hatred of Christianity in this belief. My eyes have been opened to the idea that any belief, perhaps not even religious, can be used in a harmful style, no matter how beautiful and good you believe this belief is. I stared in shock as she quickly angered at Dan for going to Las Vegas to study casino buisness in school. This would apparantely encourage world-wide disharmony. I argued against this and more of her beliefs, but oddly from the same position, based in the same spirituality. All she could think to say was, “You just don’t uderstand what I’m saying.” Little did she know just how well I understood her. I never let it slip that I studied the same metaphysics she does, but at the end slipping in a forgoten phrase that summed everything up and proved I knew everything she knew, and in the same way. It was a gentle argument, all in good jest. It was fun on an otherwise boring day. She gave me an amathyst. She was amazed when I described on length the energy qualities of amathyst. I adore her and her fundamentalism. I have a new pet amathyst.

Don was in for coffee. I’ve nicknamed him “hot coffee shop guy”. He’s a writer and often appears for coffee to write his books. Included in his latest book that he’s working on was a description of our coffee shop. So, he allowed me to read this description. Our work was described as “poetic”. I was truley flattered that for all the and work and tense moments, and chaos, we appear to be poetic. Poems are the ultimate beauty of simple words. We are the ultimate beauty of intensly dedicated staff. A note from these few pages of his unfinished book: He describes the modern world as the “now-tribe”. An ingenious concept when left to ponder it. Don also described me as one of the few genuine people he’s ever met. I suppose that means that to others I appear real, true, honest. I have no front. I have confidence, and no need to plaster facades onto my face. I can wear an ugly outfit, because my personality is more important than anything else. I’m not known as “the one with the good eyes” or “Nice ass guy”. I’m known as a good person to have as a friend. I have to say, I was deeply flattered by this…I didn’t say so however. He left, but I promised to buy one of his books.

So, after work its off to the bookstore I go. No luck! His book is out of print, and I will have to go to the library to search for it. That was the only book by his in the computer system. I wanted to buy it though so he could autograph it for me. I guess I’ll have to wait till the next book comes out. I was also on the hunt for Leonard Cohen’s next book though, and for some reason I couldn’t find it in any stores. I know it exists, I’ve seen the commercials, read the lyrics, seen the actually cd in person. Not there. I was looking forward to laying back and reading Don’s book with Leonard Cohen in the background.

When I was waiting to check my book in the computer system, a lady in front of me was doing the same and discussing with the clerk that she was a teacher. I took little notice until she turned around, and gave me an intense stare of recognition. As though my history was on the tip of her tongue, but the stare and the thoughts were cut off by her husband before it could fall out. At that moment I remembered exactly who she was. It was my grade three teacher, and one of my intense favorites. I don’t remember how, but she influenced my life. I’m sure of it. How small she seemed though. I’m a small person, and I towered over her. She seemed so week. At three she seemed so powerful. Her authority and beauty reigned, and now she’s just a wet match waiting for the light of recognition. How could she recognize me at all? Its been fifteen years since I last saw her. She’s most definately tought hundreds and hundreds of students since then. The simple power of her recognition meant a lot to me. I instantly knew that if she recognized me, she would have been proud. Just as when my highschool music teacher, the greatest influence on my life, told Sandy’s brother that he remembers me, and that I was one of the best students he ever had…I secretly cried. Or when I was crossing the street at the university and my Highschool chemistry teacher saw me and smiled, and I could feel that smile saying “thank goodness, another one has made it”. I’ve never had such reassurance from anyone but teachers. Today they seem as angels who have let me flown, but will never forget that they were the ones that taught me how to fly.

I saw Kevin, a reacurring crush as I walked from my failed shopping trip to the bus stop. I walked behind him for three blocks. We’re great friends and I always look forward to talking with him, and cuddling up to him. I couldn’t bring myself to say hello. I walked less than two feet behind one of my good friends that I haven’t seen in ages. A person who I have an intense liking for, and I couldn’t even tap him on the shoulder. I turned and he kept walking straight. Why do I even bother wondering why I’m single?

Jason decided to take us to the zoo to see the incredible light display. It was also perhaps the last time I will see Dean. Jeremy was there too, and Dan, and Alex, and Candice, and her boyfriend. We wondered through the zoo, I was over zealous with my camera, and the elephants were shy, the lights were bright and we were friends together. It was a simple excursion, but one that I feel I will remember for the immense happiness that came of simplicity, rather than complex pursuits. Dean seemed excessively quiet and distant. It felt as though his light was fading and he was already in Ottawa. It seemed he was only there in spirit, when his body was in fact there. I even forgot to say goodbye. I should pray I see him tomorrow before he leaves on Monday. Again, I’ll miss him

We ate at the Harley Diner, an old fashion style restaurant and chatted and have heaps of food for a very small amount of money. Then, we came home and sat and chatted. Everyone else took of for the Gay rodeo dance, while I stayed home. I work early and I hate these dances…and I’m still broke.

Time for a smoke and a book.