Ahhhhhh…..

I’m listening to Gary Numan. Its been so long. My friend who introduced me to his music would be horrified that its been at least a year. Its dark, its disturbing, its electronic, its the early eighties…what more do I need?

A life, that’s what I need. In fact, listening to Gary Numan has brought back memories of the days in which I would spend eight ours or so a day chatting on gay.com. I would sit there with Gary Numan, or Sarah Mclachlan, or Tori Amos on repeat and just chat away until my eyes could no longer stay open.

They were happy days though. I remember how many friends I had. I would go to the coffee shop, or the bar, and know everybody there. Hundreds of friends, millions of conversations.

I’ve for the most part abandoned gay.com except for the odd appearance here and there. Every now and then I’ll know one or two people out of the fifty or so in the room. I used to know them all. Nobody knows me either.

I used to have a millions aquaintences and no good friends. Now I have a small handful of good friends and no aquaintences. I feel like a shell of my formal self. I miss being the bar star that would walk into the bar and spend half the night saying hello to everyone I knew, and half the night saying goodbye to those same people.

I see these people now. The ones I spent all my time chatting too. They all seem like shadows, ghosts of their former selves. Some have relationships, other have had tradgedy. Other’s simply vanished off the planet. Nobody ever seems to be around for long. Doesn’t anybody stay in one place anymore?

I watch Jason walk through the bar as I used to. Knowing everyone. Being the star, surrounded by people. Really, truly a queen in the court of gaydom. I’ve been bounced off my throne.

I used to go to the bar on the slowest night and have numerous people to hang out with. Now, on the busiest night, I’m all alone. I stare at the wall and think about my novel, or what I’ll write in my next journal entry.

I feel old. I feel as though I lived the best years of my life too early and that now I’m settled, not needing anything but myself. Not like that’s a bad thing. I’m independent of anybody. I don’t need a million friends to prove I’m worth something in this community.

And that’s what poplularity is and always will be. Dependancy on other’s for the gain of self esteem. Just knowing that you know so many people means that so many people know you. Its too easy to fool yourself into thinking that all these people actually like you and even more importantly respect you.

I feel as though I should get back on gay.com and know everyone and get a life. Spend my hours chatting to “friends” on the internet. Being the queen of Calgary when I go out to party.

I know that all this is an illusion.

You’re never as important or as loved as you think.

Until you learn to love yourself and become the most important person in your life. Then you begin to see the enemies fade from fake friendship, and the true friends brighten like stars in the blackest sky.

I think I’m learning to never be afraid of my enemies, to not let the thought of them bother me. Learning to truly know how to love my friends.

I think I’ve met my current path.

Must light a candle.