Love exhaustion
Unrequited
Buzzy stillness
Caffeinated

Misty
Foggy
Words
Like feathers falling
Back to me
Not to
You

My eyes closed
My arms wide
You dance away
In ecstasy

Without me

Every now and then I receive what feels like a jolt of metaphorical electricity, or more probable, a burst of neurochemicals that makes me fully aware just how alive I am. This happened today quite suddenly as I was sitting at my desk with Phantom of the Opera’s “Music of the Night” playing lightly and the chat room buzzing; my school books surrounding me as I studied for my midterms. A window (the computer kind) popped open and a gentleman was asking for a chat. Who am I to turn someone down? I threw away my school books and said “hello”

I then did the mandatory profile check to see what he looked like. Well…stop my heart dead I do believe I fell in love on the spot. Or like I said earlier, probably just a massive rush of some hormone or another. The dose that makes you shiver, and feel light and dizzy. Yes, it felt like love at first sight.

I understand what love at first sight feels like. Its happened to me two or three things in my life, and never have I actually talked to the men I fell for at first sight. Its just this amazing feeling as though the entire world has stopped, completely, except for the two of you. Then you get the same response you get with fear (another dose of hormones); the fight or flight response. You feel the need to either run and make him love you or simply run away, because rejection would be to much. I remember one such man this happened to me was a regular customer at Starbucks. There was no way I could ever serve him, in fact, most of the time I had to go on my break. I was useless when he was around. The same way you can be so scared you can’t move.

Anyway, this man chatted with me a little bit, but the just left. No goodbye, no “I think you suck…gotta go”, he just left. I emailed him a little bit later, but I’m pretty sure I’ll never hear from him again. When I look at his picture though, I get a little ping in my stomach, and a sigh in my mouth. Is the pathetic or just the way nature works?

It doesn’t matter much to me though, because I know I’ll be alright. Always constantly there’s this little voice in the back of my head telling me “Don’t worry, we have BIG plans for you…they’re just so big that you’re not ready for them yet…neither is he…just be patient…patient…” I also know that if I must be single forever, and honestly, sometimes it feels that way, then thats okay. It just means my life was meant for other purposes. I know it sounds cliche and over the top, but this is how it feels to me.

Any situation a man sees as real, will in result have real consequences.