Not such a good day today. I wrote a sociology exam today, and while I really do think I did good, I think I could have, and should have done better. I was hoping to keep an A average in that class, but I think that will slide a little lower. Then I was thrown into the pool of religious philosopy, drowning, expected to know how to swim. Strange how since I have absolutely no belief in anything but evolution, it has become extremely difficult to understand the creationist point of view. Why can’t they just admit their wrong instead of inventing complex, nonsensicle theories to fit evolution into religion. I need to put my feet in a fundamentalists shoes for a few days. The thought of me as a fundametalist, not likely.

Although, I have had the oddest thing happen to me lately. I’ve been craving highly structured religious dogma lately. Its strange how I can feel almost an instictual need for rules, and guidelines to form my daily life. I simply desire the ability when confronting a situation to reference a worldview that I’ve decided to stricty adhere to. As for now, I simply rely on impulse and self-desire. I make my own means and my own ends. Who ever said being an atheist/pagan (don’t worry, I plan to write a lengthy book on my religious beliefs to explain it all) is easy. Some say faith is hard. I seem to remember how easily it came to me in my days of bible studying. Rejecting faith in anything, not that is a difficult task. I’m starting to believe that feith is a natural instinct that humans feel they must act on. Perhaps that is what seperates us from animals.

I was riding the elevator in the parkade down to work when a sudden rush of desire flooded my being. I needed intimacy. I wanted a hug, a cuddle, a kiss, a longing look, a smile of enjoyment, a pat on the back. I wanted a relationship. I wondered where this came from since I’ve been absolutely lacking this desire for months now. I figured, maybe it was something that came and went, and here it was. I panicked at the thought that I was going to become a depressive person again longing for a man to control my emotions. I breathed a little heavier. Panick and desire are a strange combination.

The elevator started to stop at an unkown floor, and I began to think, “Isn’t this how lovers meet? Random chance encounters. Perhaps on an elevator!” As the elevetor slowed to stopped I felt the perfect man was about to enter the elevator with me. He could give me a lifelong hug, fulfill this sudden intimacy desire. We would be perfect together. He’d be rich, I’d be a sexy housewife. We’d adopt kids, but not too many. The elevator stopped.

The doors opened and I waited to see what fate would bring me. I waited. Nobody entered. Not a soul. The doors closed and the elevator continued its journey, with me all alone. My desire for intimacy instantly gone. Will it come back again. When, and why? I swear to all gods possible, that I’m happy with a couple friends, a tv, and a cat. Perhaps this is what empty elevators of fate dictate for me.

Perhaps these days of mundane transition are only a breather until the magickal day when everything comes together and I can see my life and future clearly, and I jump for joy, knowing that my life wasn’t a waste of my own, or anyone’s time.