I’m lonely and I need my friends. They’re probably out having a great time. I’m here by myself. Its not thier fault. I told them I was hoping to do something with Brent. They think I’m happily married. They keep telling me this, but I laugh, because I know its not true. Heck, I’ve know Brent for six days. They didn’t call me. He didn’t call me. I wonder what they are all doing while I spend a day at home by myself for the first time in over a month. I’m lonely. I need shoulders to cry on. Hands to hold.

No, Brent didn’t reject me. No we’re not dating. There’s nothing between us but a few good nights. I’m scared shitless though, I’m falling for him and he hasn’t called. He didn’t call me yesterday. He didn’t return my call today. So, I sit on my computer, waiting to see if he’ll log onto chat. He hasn’t. He probably won’t. I’m doing it again. I’m doing the waiting. That horrible waiting that people do when they are falling for someone. Waiting to see if he’ll call. Waiting for any inuendo that he feels the same way for me.

I’m scared shitless. I don’t want to be this way. I want to be the strong one that doesn’t care what he thinks. I want to be the one who just moves onto the next person. For me though, there never is that next person. Well, there is, but they always seem so far apart. sometimes weeks, sometimes months. I’m afraid the next time will be years. I’m scared shitless of another period of depression will come following being rejected once again.

I just want him to break down my door and sing me a love song, and tell me that he wants to be with me forever. He hasn’t yet. Then again, neither have I, and perhaps he’s sitting at home waiting for me to break his door down.

Its been two days since I’ve seen or heard from him, and its making me nervous. I just keep imagining that I wasn’t good enough, or he didn’t like my hair. Or that my existence in his life was only to serve the purpose of fulfilling his sexual needs for the moments. Perhaps I’m full of shit.

So, I’ll just keep sitting here and hoping he’ll come online. I’ll stop calling him in case that’ll scare him away. Maybe I’ll just wait for him to call me.

But what if he never does?