I’ve put my patch firmly on. I’ve had a meditative bath with incense and candles. I’m wearing a cheap facemask and drinking expensive beer. two year old dance music is blaring on the computer. Yes, its once again for the pre bar ritual. The only decision to make now is what to wear. I’m so tired of my clothes. Perhaps its time to go shopping.

I have no plans or goals for tonight. I have no idea if I’ll even know anyone at the bar. However, what I am thinking is that tonight I’m going to try to be a little less shy than usual. Now, considering I’m on the farthest reaches of the shyness scale - a little less shy won’t make too much of a difference. I thought maybe I’d start by just saying “hello” to someone I don’t know, instead of waiting to be introduced. Wow! That would be a big step. Hopefully there will be no panick attacks involved.

So, the week is over. Thank goodness to heck! Time seems to be going slower and slower in my wait to go back to school. I’m just too excited for words. Scared to death, because my goal is to prove to myself that I can follow through with a goal. I guess that means I have two goals. More than anything, I just can’t wait to be back at school and back in the culture I left behind.

It almost feels as though two and a half years ago, I left myself at the university saying “just wait here, I need to go and grow up, I’ll be back when I’m done”. Its going to be different though, because…well…I’ve grown up. Perhaps the over the top student politics and radically exagerated causes just won’t seem as easy to meld with. I’m worried that I’ve become too different from the person I was when I left. See, I was this little party animal with no cares in the world, no responsibility - and no desire for any. I had begun an adventure to discover myself and my place in a new world.

Now, thanks to work, I’ve changed. In fact, I think the real reason I needed to quit my job and head back to school was that I didn’t like the person I was becoming. I no longer enjoyed having fun. Life was for work, and all the responsibilities my job thrust upon me. I was sinking in a giant sea of that I didn’t want to see…let alone touch. Before I could drown I learned to tread water…and I knew I wanted out!

But I’m jaded. I used to be so positive about life and optimistic. I was a dreamer with a million dreams. Now, I’ve seen these dreams become laughable jokes. A gag that everyone has to endure while growing up. Thats not me though. My dreamer is still there somewhere and its waiting to get out there and prove to the world that this big giant gag is serious truth. Somehow I believe that this dreamer is hanging out having beer at the university, waiting for my return.

Something else interesting. Reunions - they are happening to me over and over again in my life. It feels as though my entire life is being slowly paraded before me. Two weeks ago, a girl from highschool who I haven’t seen from or talked to since graduation day, six years ago, called me out of the blue at work and invited me to her BBQ with all my other highschool friends I haven’t seen. I couldn’t go unfortunately, but it seemed ackward to be talking to a former best friend from years ago. Also, periodically, over the last couple months, former friends from highschool, junior high, and today…elementary school…have been crossing my path in alarming quantities. I mean, I always laughed about the fact that I NEVER saw anyone from school EVER! and now *POOF*.

Its not just real life though, its in my dreams too. Strange reunion dreams. I’ve had two dreams where every member of SAPS is lined up and I’m walking down the line catching up with them. I’ve had a couple similar dreams where I’m meeting everyone from highschool I was friends with. Even, silly as it sounds, one dreams, where every pet I ever had is there in front of me, and I go down the row up pets saying “hello, I’ve missed you”. Oh yes, and the dream of visiting my old appartment to be reunited with my cousin I used to live with.

The erie thing about these dreams and the real life reunions is that they all seem to contain meaning, as though there were a reason that I’ve been meeting everyone from my past. Even worse is that the dreams all seem to have a somber feeling. My theories range from…perhaps I’m about to die…to….I’m saying goodbye to a large stage of my life, and now its time to move along and leave the past to rest.

Hopefully more clear answers to these dreams will come to me soon.

Oh! And in case you’re wondering…I don’t actually think I’m about to die;)

However, wouldn’t that be creepy if I did…and this was my last journal entry…okay…thats creepy just talking about it. I’m going to stop!