Its strange to me the last few days. I feel as though “The man for me” is near me and about to find me. I’m not sure how I can describe this feeling but to say that I feel as though I’m continually being spiritually hugged by fate. And fate just happens to be the exact man I’m looking for and vice versa. Every time I turn a corner I feel him grabbing my hand. Whenever the phone rings I think its him before I give my head a shake. If I’m lying awake in bed, I can feel him beside me.

I think I’m sounding crazier than I mean to, but its just this intuitive feeling that I can’t shake. That perhaps at any moment, the man I’ll spend the rest of my life with, or at least a few good years, is about to find me. And I love this feeling, because it feels like a giant mass of masculinity swirling around me.

I know…I know…I’m barely making sense. In the simplest terms, I’m having intuitive feelings. I’ve had very similar feelings to these, but not so consistant and strong. These feelings developed into nothing, so I’m wary of believing them, or paying attention. I simply bask in this ghost of loving energy that’s surrounding me. However…

Let me tell you about my strange dream, before I really take you on a trip off the deep end. Although, its only deep for those who have never swum in such waters. A simple dream really. I was a contestant on Survivor. Now, its becoming vague, but I was doing extremely well, although, I was telling everybody that the coming challenges were going to violently rock my will, and patients, and strength. As I walk to the next challenge, I realize that I’ve made it to the final seven, which is exactly as far as I had set my goals. I broke down into tears of joy, because I had made it. However, as I continued on the path, people from my past were looking on and wispering to themselves, and something changed. Where I had gotten wasn’t good enought for me. I felt a passionate need to push forward to my new goal of winning the whole thing.

At the challenge, the scenery kept changing from one place that I lived, to a section of my high school, to places I’ve worked, but we never seemed to notice. The challenge was strange, but it involed revealing secret messages…each message I revealed was a different day in my life, “Easter, 1996″, “graduation”, “born 1978″, etc. I kept revealing these date, and I did it faster than anyone…I remember that I had revealed all 45. The judges and spectators were jubilant that I had won, replacing their somber looks. I walked away from the challenge knowing that I was going to achieve my goal.

Now, Masculing energy, and aspects of masculing magick, include dealing with action and challenges. It is the hunter searching out its prey, but at the same time protecting its loved ones. Here’s my deep end theory. I’m scared, always to the point of panic attacks these days about going to school and reaching my goal of becoming a nurse once and for all. The challenge of it all is grinding away on my bones and psyche so that I have almost decided several times that I’m simply happy where I am. I’m afraid to move on, afraid of failure, ready to just settle with the little I’ve acheived stay put.

So, The universe is sending my masculine energies, swerling eddies and pools of astral testosterone. Not only do the vibe say “Screw this, get to it and just do it!” but they hold me in a protective hug that feels safe from anything that could ever be thrown at me, mentally, emotionally, or physically. I’m being given the final push to get over my fears, and I’m being put in touch with the guiding source to get me through tough times that require “action” rather than quitting.

Its time to suck up my fears, dig my heals in and just do the task I know I’m capable of. I’m going to be a nurse. It may take a lot of time, and a lot of money. But I won’t rest until its done. I’m cementing this goal into my psyche so that on my dying day, if I don’t do this, I will haunt the world as a hungry ghost…starving for someone to write my name on a degree and offer it to the wind.

Back to the shallow end….maybe I’m just horny…