My mind works in interesting ways! Last night we had a party at my house. I’ll rephrase that - my roomate had a party at my house. During the party he kept disapearing with party guests into a closed room to snort a wonderful amount of cocain. Now, honestly I’m not overly disturbed by this - go to the gay bar its like an icing sugar factory. I never got to go to the special room though! Please don’t think I ever would do cocaine, because I never have and I never will, but it hurt that I wasn’t even asked.

I know that its strange that I should feel like crap over that, but it was just like in junior high when people would invite everyone to a party except for me. It brought back those exact feelings. In reality, I suppose I should be glad that he knows I’m not the kind of guy that would ever do that and that is the reason that he didn’t ask. I suppose it doesn’t help that I freaked out the other day when I learned he had cocaine in the house.

Why is it that sometimes my morals say “stand up and tell people you think its wrong to do drugs etc.” and at other times a darkness in me dives for anything that is deviant and taboo. I sound like an angstful teenager who has watched too many movies of the week.

Honestly though, I feel that everyone has that little darkness in them, perhaps not even little, that overshadows anything anyone ever tells you are warns you about. Its that piece of you that gets turned on by bad boys, or makes you want to get tattoos. It is that drive to experience everything that you know you’re not supposed to experience.

Everyone has a dark side, and mine is certainly strong and healthy and unbalanced. I’ve been repressing it for so long that now it is yearning to get out. Without anything tapping its energy, it has grown stronger. My yang is bigger than my ying and I need to get out there and be a bad person for awhile.

Of course thats harder than it sounds. When I was younger there were no reasons to put on the facade of innocent at all times. It was okay to try drugs, get drunk all the time, sleep around. It was easy, because it was expected. However, just because I’m older doesn’t mean that these urges go away. Why should it be less tempting now to experiment with drugs than five years ago. The only difference is that I’ve seen many lives destroyed by the above. I guess that’s enough.

Hopefully I’ll be able to find something creative to release all this built up energy without having to resort to becoming someone I don’t like. I need a canvas and paint…dark, deep, rich colours…