My two year anniversary of on-line journaling has come and gone. February 7th I believe. I remember last year on that date I was horrified that my life was boring. After an entire year of exploring myself through journaling, I was still the same person that I was on the first day I began writing. I remember that first post very clearly. I called myself, “In between guy”, because I was apathetic towards life, people, my job, love. It seemed I came from nowhere, and I was going nowhere. I was convinced that my life was permanently stalled, and that I was in the place I would be when I died.

I remember that during the first year, my main focus in my writing was to take the most mundane moments, and analyze them to death! I decided that everything was a drama and should necessarily mean something important. However, when it came down to it, I was simply a guy who went to work, slept, watched too much TV, and occasionally spent time with people that I pretended I cared for.

In the second year, my journaling became a little more descriptive. Actually, that’s not true. I think that my writing delved into the deeper parts of my mind that never really get touched by daylight. However, I was still just the in between guy, waiting for life to swing me in a direction. Unfortunately, I didn’t really seem to care. I just wanted to be left alone by life, fate, and the universe itself.

Sure there were a couple flares of romance. There was Brent, and Glenn. Brent disappeared and Glenn never did return my feelings…I never assumed he would. Sure this proved that I could still have feelings for people, but for the most part, I became a person who needed nobody but myself. I retreated farther and farther into my own space.

Everything changed about a year ago when I stepped onto the university campus and received was could only be described as “a divine message”. I don’t mean that angels came down and trumpeters blasted. Simply, I knew at that moment what I was supposed to do. And one by one, every decision I made created a loud metaphorical “click” that told me that my life was about to be unlocked. And was it ever!

I know that everyone that reads this journal pretty much knows me online and for a lot of people, in real life too. For those who used to know me…I wish you could see me now. And for those who know me now…I wish you could see how much I’ve changed since this time last year. I have discovered a sense of inner strength and confidence that I didn’t know existed in me. A power that comes from knowing that everything I’m doing is what I’m supposed to be doing.

You all know what I’ve been up to for the last year, so there’s no need for going into details about everything. All I know is that I’m on the verge of finding out whether or not I’ll be admitted into nursing school and that it feels like everything is coming down to this moment in time. I simply have almost no doubt that I’m where I’m supposed to be, and if that means that I don’t get in, I will deal with that. However, I’ve never felt more strongly about anything in my life as I do about nursing. It will be a tense couple weeks as my marks stream in.

Of course, life has thrown me a curve ball. For reasons that don’t matter right now, I can understand the entire scheme. I know you will all think I’m a little crazy for saying this, but bear with me. Knowing with such confidence the path I’m supposed to be on, I can see that this curve ball is simply another piece in a massive puzzle.

Anyway, what I’m talking about, amidst all this fluffy craps, is the man I’ve met online. I will admit that I don’t speak about him much, because it feels incredibly taboo, and it feels strange to tell people about him. First of all is the simple fact that it’s an online relationship. I use that term reluctantly, because we’re NOT in a romantic relationship. We don’t call each other anything but friends, and we never will….for now. I WILL say that our relationship is as serious as it can get considering that we’ve never met in person, and that we’re both too intelligent to take things any farther than that.

Second is the fact that he’s 44 years old. This doesn’t bother me, and never will; however I am fully aware of the way people feel towards this issue. So, being that we’re both men, we’ve never met, and that he’s 20 years older than me….I hope you can understand why I don’t mention him that much.

However, I don’t want to be secretive about my life either, so I thought I would finally mention a little more about him in my journal. He lives in Connecticut, and he’s amazing. I get goose bumps every time I think about him, and feel lonely when I haven’t seen him around. I feel so incredibly happy at the thought of him, but it’s also the hardest experience I’ve gone through in a long time. The fact that I can’t simply give him a hug throws my head into spins. The thought that he lives so far away literally haunts my dreams.

I’m planning a trip to Boston to spend a week with him. That’s why I’m working two jobs this summer. I know it sounds crazy (and it is, but I’m a crazy person!) but it feels more right than anything has ever felt before. Even more than being in nursing as I mentioned before. So, after that week, we’ll see what happens. I wish I could describe how it feels to meet someone that you simply “know” is meant for you, but that you’ve never met. The pure shame that resides within the irrationality of the situation is astounding! I’m embarrassed to have lost control of my emotions in such a laughable situation.

I need to mention that from what I’ve written it sounds less serious than it is. We talk on the internet every day. We frequently talk on the phone. We’ve sent packages to each other. We dream of the future when we’ll be able to hold hands….I know…absurd.

The interesting thing is that since he lives in the USA, it would be nearly impossible to move to live with him (assuming it ever came to that…I’m not naive enough to say it will right now). The only way it would be possible is if I had a university degree in a scarce profession…and the profession that is most in demand in the USA…nursing!

So, as I wait for my marks to come in, the result take on a slightly different meaning. I really want to let everyone know that I haven’t gone COMPLETELY off the deep end. I understand that I’ve never met him, and that living so far away makes things nearly impossible…so don’t start calling therapists and mental institutions quite yet. However, he has become extremely special to me and it just feels like yet another “click”.

It will be interesting to see where we are in a year!