Through love, I understand the pychology of an addict…

I mean honestly! The withdrawl symptoms are devistating. The moodswings are the worst. The urge to throw up, the headaches, the exhaustion, the pain. Not to mention the contant bitchiness that lasts until I hear the voice, or see the sight of Glenn.

However, Tuesday night at about 10:30pm I made the horrible decision that I just can’t do this anymore. I can’t see him. I can’t handle the pain of breathing him into my lungs and then having to let go.

I stared at the computer screen watching his name sit there in the chat room, and I couldn’t bring my self to even say hello to him. I knew that just doing that was to painful, too much for my shattered emotions to endure.

So I watch his name flicker and then disapear. And I cried like a baby, because I knew that I couldn’t do it. I knew I could never let go until the day I die. I’m not saying I’ll never move on, he’ll just go down into the catacombs along with the rest of my collection of men I will love till the day I die. The other men that I can’t bring myself to see or talk to.

And then I was mad, because I knew that it would only be a matter of days until I heard his voice, and I would go through this all over again. And then I’d meet another man, and I would go through this all over again. And then the cycle would just continue.

I might as well be smoking crack…

But, as I studied the strength card from my tarot card in reverse, I discovered something about myself. I take problems that are far to complex for my own human mind, and let them marinate for eternity. I assume that I’ll be able to solve them on my own. I learned that I never will be able to fix these issues. Nobody could. The only solution was to release the pain and confusion into the world, and wait for fate to take hold and deal me the next logical blow.

It made for a happier day. Everytime I felt the pain climing up my throught like heartburn, making its way to my tear ducts, I took a deep breath, and simply released everything I could into the world.