I sit at my desk again with the snow covering the city. My curtains are closed to block out the sun this time. I sit here in the hazy glow of a hangover. The faint throbing headache, and the heavy eyes. I want to sleep for hours with faint music in the background. Tori Amos, or Catie Curtis. I don’t have time though, I need to start planning my day. I have cigarettes to buy, Harry Potter to see, Lord of the Rings to read, and hours and hours of schoolwork that I can’t stop neglecting.

I know I’ll buy smokes, maybe see the movie, but I’m sure I won’t get to schoolwork. As long as I relax. I’m in the home-stretch of this semester of school, and I can’t give up. I’m exhausted though. My tarot cards keep pushing me ahead though, exposing my strength to go on and letting me know that this isn’t rock bottom. It feels like it though. I never have energy.

The bar was great last night. I went with Dean and met at the backlot for crantinis. That was a mistake, because ever since getting absolutely drunk on many many crantinis I have troubles drinking them without getting nauseous. I had two, and of course became nauseous. Two amazing looking men were there though, and one of them, the better looking of the two, even smiled and said hello. What did I do? I quickly proclaimed “We better get going to the bar”. I ran away from a man again. The more the are attracted to me the more scared I get. I should have stopped and talked to him.

At boyztown, I had a beer to relieve the nausea from the crantinis, and watched the drag show, and a hot man. Dean said I should talk to him. I laughed and mentioned that “he should know me better than that by now”. I’m the shy one! I swear! Most people, to know me, would never accuse me of shyness.

So, we just sat around and chatted. Dean is moving to Ottawa in two weeks, and I almost broke down in tears at the thought of loosing another friend. Its seems the more someone means to me, the more they change my life, the more likely it is that they will leave and be gone soon. Its almost as though people are put on earth to teach you certain lessons, and show you new things, but a life time with these people wouldn’t be possible. They have other lives to touch. Other people to take care of. They are like angels that are gone before you even realize how much they mean to you. And no matter how much you swear you’ll stay in touch, and plan trips to visit, you always become different people, and even chatting on the internet becomes as distant as the miles between you. Thats just life though.

I saw the hot man from the backlot come in and sit down all alone. I stared, and stared, and stared. Pleading with some force that he would come talk with me. He had such a beautiful smile, a nice cuddly, football player style body. I was distracted though, Ross came in and was looking fairly disheveled…for a gay bar anyways. He sat down and ordered four double high balls, and put them in front of himself. He was having man troubles. I didn’t even know he was dating anyone, but he is and it may be ending. I ignored the hot guy that I wanted to talk to and joined Ross. We talked for a couple hours, and I drank with him. And drank. And drank. And drank. When I’m depressed, I love it when I decide to get wasted, I adore when someone decides to get drunk with me and dispell all crappy emotions we’re feeling. I think Ross felt a little better by the end of the night, and we were laughing and having ice fights with the staff. We watched the lights come up and the music stop. We had drinken the night to an end. I hardly noticed when my hot guy went home with a fifty year old drag queen. We just laughed and spread the gossip around…like any good gay man would:)

I left the bar and drove home, slipping and swirving on the icy roads. I was smiling though. I love good nights at the bar with good friends, rather than nights where sex, and love are the only thoughts on your mind. I got home, changed, threw up for awhile, and passed out. Not a single dream. Life was too good.