An entire year!

It is the one year anniversary of my journal. This is the most commited I’ve ever been to writing my daily thoughts and occurances, even though I’ve made many attempts. This journal has become a massive body of work now.

This past year has gone faster for me than any other before it. I wonder though if I’ve moved forward at all mentaly, spiritualy, physicaly.

An entire year has past, but I feel the same as I did a year ago. I wrote, on February 7th 2001, that I felt like I was inbetween. By this I meant that I was inbetween emotions of love and hate. Intbetween feelings of happyness and depression. Inbetween being a good person and a bad person. Inbetween apathy and care. I was nothing. I felt, and still feel, that I’m swimming in a void reaching for any wall that may become available. I’m trapped in an amniotic sack, seperated from reality, waiting for my water to break. Waiting for that flash of inspiration that will carry me forward a few more years.

I woke the other day and sat having a cigarette on my balcony. An itchy thought entered my mind. I have utterly no purpose whatsoever in my life. I wake up, I go to work, I come home, I go to sleep. I have no dream job. I have no hobbies that I obsessively dedicate all my time and loving energy towards. I just live life every day like the last and the next.

Again, I’m waiting for some powerful revelation perhaps to come my way. I envision a moment as I walk down the street, I see something that catches my eyes, and triggers every neuron in my brain to focus on the same thought. That thought becomes a flame that grows and heats up, waiting for me to satisfy it with a lifetime of actions. Like someone walking down the street and deciding that they want - no MUST - be a restaurant owner! They simply KNOW that its what they were supposed to do with their life.

I’m rambling, and I’m not sure that even I know what I’m talking about. All I’m saying is that my devine inspiration has not yet dared to approach me.

So, what’s changed in the last year? I live on my own again, with the perfect roomate.

That is it!

Emotionally, mentally, physically, I am in the exact place I was a year ago.

Perhaps life is a series of plateaus each one at a different level of existence, or pleasure. Reaching a new plateau is only acheived by a thrust of destructive energies, or creative forces, or luck.

I’ve gained none, or experienced none in the last year.

I will still go on. Stuck in this wretched plain with no peaks or valleys for even farther then the horizon.

I will wait for the one and only love of my life, but continue to care less and less if I never find him.

I will sleep well, eat well, work hard.

Do my best at living.

I will not make myself any promises.

I will live life like a poem that bears no meaning in my present situation….

AS THE MIST LEAVES NO SCARS

As the mist leaves no scar
On the dark green hill,
So my body leaves no scar
On you, nor ever will

When wind and hawk encounter,
what remains to keep?
So you and I encounter,
Then turn, then fall to sleep.

As many nights endure
Without a moon or star,
So will we endure
when one is gone and far.

-Leonard Cohen

Goodbye, and thanks to those who have tolerated my often incoherant ramblings……..

Leo’s Rain