I’m not doing a good job of keeping my promise to myself to write in my journal every single day. Or to do yoga every single day.

When I first start something new, I dive headfirst with every ounce of energy I can draw from myself. The first days of my journal, I was quite impressively creating many many entries. Sometimes many a day. When I started yoga, I would do yoga three times a day. Now its usually about once a week. I started university with so much ambition that I didn’t even recognize myself….it petered out, and I quit school. I used to work at my job, putting all my heart into it. Working countless hours to get what needed to be done…done. Work is a different story, I’ve lost every ounce of care or desire to put my all into it. I give it a 10% effort, because that’s all they deserve from me.

I call myself an ambitionless obsessive cumpulsive. One day I will work towards making this an actual psychological disease. I am very obsessive cumpulsive. Sometimes I think I could be diagnosed with the disorder. However, when I see something that creates these feelings within me, I am too lazy to do anything about it. What this results in is my obsession grows and grows and grows, and causes me to become so hateful of the situation…that I leave it behind.

Anyways, Saturday night was the night of Jason’s BBQ. It was very enjoyable. Just a bunch of gay guys hanging around playing card games and drinking more beer than they should.

Sunday I was supposed to meet Jason for coffee. When I left my house, I was shocked to see a freak storm had dumped about two feet of snow onto the ground (I live in a basement…I don’t notice these things) My truck got stuck two blocks from my house and I didn’t make it for coffee. I did however try the roads again a couple hours later and made it to the bar to have a couple drinks with Ross and Stewart (Bartender and Drag queen extrordinaire!). They are always great to watch the drag show with because they are an endless stream of hilarious comments on why the drag queens aren’t very good. You’d have to be there to understand the hilarity.

Monday was my last day off of my long weekend. I didn’t do anything at all….just sat around….numbling watching the clock count down the hours until work….and then I slept.

Tuesday was a wierd day. I walked into the Starbucks Calgary head office with resume in tow. They were having a job fair that day and I couldn’t resist the opportunity to get into a real Starbucks and perhaps begin a career. I went through about an hour and a half of interviews. No word yet.

Wednesday…just the usual day of work with the Ice queen bitch. I actually had to go to the valet and calm her down. She cornered me and proclaimed in her thick Asian accent, “that Girl you work with is a bad, bad, horrible person.” She said it with such conviction that I was shacking. She went on and on about how mean she was. I believed every word she said. Then she proclaimed, “Why can’t she be like you….you’re so nice.” I was flattered. Do you know where my niceness has gotten me though? Nowhere!!! The managers hate me! Her bitchiness has gotten here everywhere. The managers love her. At least my coworkers see her for what she is. A lazy fucking bitch!

ok…I’m done with her for real! I promise! I just pray I get a call from Starbucks.

My life has become a series of events. I still lack emotion. I couldn’t care less if my coworker hates me and vise versa. I couldn’t care less if I get fired, or hired. I don’t care about anything. I’ve spent my life caring too much about everything that I think I’ve run out of emotions. I want them back. I want to be able to feel again.

I can’t even remember the last time I cried.