Another dream awoke me with a start. Details aren’t important, but the feeling it gave me all day was. It was the feeling of love and new biginings. The feelings of an over flowing cup of chilled Ice tea on a hot summer day. Of warmth and softness amidst the cold clangy city steel. Simply of blossoming love.

I was giddy all day long and finally Sandy, half way through making a latte, stopped and asked what was wrong with me. Without a hesitation, I simply replied “I’m in love”. She seemed completely happy for me until I explained that I was in love with a man I’ve seen at the bar and coffee shop a million times, a man I’ve never talked to. A man that has always seemed to be the perfect man, causing me to carry a slight tortch for over the years.

But I fell for him completely within the contexts of my dreams so powefully, it flowed every forward into my waking life. So much so that I have to stop and remind myself that we’ve never met. If you aked me what his name was, I’d have to throw my head back and laugh, because I have no clue at all.

So, I’m walking through life right now with a shadow friend that I met in a dream. A shadow personality to pal around with my own real life personality. It must be a shadow of my own personality, I created it didn’t I? I invented a personality for this man that contained everything I don’t like about myself and immediately fell in love with it. Strength, courage, wisdon, charisma, charm.

Instant man…

And then a voice from the past. A voice from another dream about another man, “Why bother, you’ll just end up with me anyways”

NO! I refuse!

I watched my new “love” all last night from a perch safely hidden so that he wouldn’t discover my creapy lusting for him. I sat there and reinacted the dream which took place in that very place. He was sitting where he sat in my dream, and I sat where I was sitting.

I waited…

I waited for him to march over and tell me that he knows I’ve been watching him. To feel my face redden with embarrasement and walk away…only for him to come up to me again later and ask me out to coffee.

Of course he just sits there and chats with his friends for hours on end. I eventually am doing the same, frequently checking back to see if he’s still there. Of course he is, engrossed in a hilarious conversation with his masculine arms waving around, with lively power of charm. A smile that melted me. Every time I see him I start to swoon and feel myself going off a deep end. I need to look away and walk away, to regain myself.

Finally, I take a look again around 3am and he’s gone. The bars nearly empty and he finally left. Wasn’t this where he was supposed to hoist the sick lady over his shoulders like a hero and save her life. yes, I think this is when that part of the dream takes place.

Oh right…real life.

So I go home and sit down. A set of my sister’s keys that I need are gone. Not a big problem, but certainly the straw that broke a camel’s back.

I’ve been very delicately balance lately, ready for something to his me and take me away to dark depression. As I stared at the keys and listened to “Ok computer” by Radiohead I cried.

I hate my work, I want it to go away, but I’m attatched to it with a loyalty I will never understand. I did help build the place. I want the G8 to go away, I’m tired of meetings and precautions, and rumours, and new knowledge that our particular Starbucks is on a hit list somewhere. I registered for school, I’m going to do it, become a nurse. But everytime I think about it, I have a panic attack, even writing this. I’m nervous, because this is my dream and I’m tired of failing at every dream I ever have. I’m broke…ALL the time, I’m hungry and can’t afford to feed myself, I miss my cat, my toe hurts, I’m in love with a man who never loved me that I’ve been trying to get over, and now I’m in love with a man I’ve never met.

And now…I lost an important pair of keys, and I have to endure through my phone phobia and call my sister. Yes, my phobia is so bad I can’t call my own sister.

I did find the keys, someone found them in our parking lot and set them on a table in the lobbey. However, once a camel’s back is broken…its broken for awhile.

I need some stress relief…anything. No escape though. Work will be busy, like I said, G8 conference is coming up and all the leaders of the world and all the protesters of the world are converging on our city and we’re at ground ZERO. No time to hesitate in any decisions becaue of stress. Then Stampede, then new promotions, then telling my boss finaly that I’m quitting and our understaffed coffee shop won’t have a manager, and there’s nobody to replace me. Lots of work.

too much writing…if you made it this far…I need cyber hugs…and thanks for listening…