I seek a man who is masculine, not week. Protective and strong, charasmatic and beautiful. He does not ooze femininity, or wreak of weekness. He fulfills the archetype of manly energy. I seek a man who is like a father to me.

My father was always the man who was a travelling salesman. he was the man who spent almost all his time in front of the computer, or with his nose in his book. He was the man who could not come within twenty feet of me without one of us starting a fight. He was, and still is happily married to my mother, but he was never my father, or my daddy.

My mother embodies the characteristics of the strongest goddess. She spent her childhood in excruciating pain, confined to a hospital. As a result she is handicapped and can’t walk without crutches. Her father was an alcoholic genius of a musician, and her mother was as stubborn as her. My mother in life became a lifeforce to reckon with. She is curageous and powerful, brilliant and strong. She is a light in the dark, and a social leader. She works so hard that her body can’t keep up to her drive. However, no hurdle ever has or will stop her from acheiving her dreams, or potential. She is commanding and convincing. She wears the pants in the family. She’s purly female. She’s my mommy.

With such a weak masculine influence and such a strong female influence, I could be a poster child for those who believe that being gay is soley a factor of environmental influences while growning up. Even my sister was powerful, quite obviously takes the path of my mother in her views towards life, personality and strength. If my mother and sister were witches, I would never mess with their power. I rarely do now. Perhaps, because I only ever had a strong feminine influence, I seek only a father type figure and influence in my relationships. It is the part of myself that is missing.

I once told a friend my theories on why I seeked out older, masculine men for my relationships, and asked him why he only seeked out young, teenage, feminine boys. He answered “I always dreamed of having a younger brother. Perhaps I still do. So, perhaps all I really want is an older brother type in my relationships. I always dreamed of having an older brother. Especially when being tormenting all through school for being different, in ways none of us understood at the time. I dreamed he would tell the other kids to leave me alone. They would scream, running away afraid of my superhero older brother. The person I looked up to and wanted to be like. Its obvious that I crave a strong masculine influence in my life.

I dream of coming home from a horrible day at work and sit on the couch, alone and on the verge of tears. He walks into the room, the man I’m in love with. He’s tall and strong, his energy is overwhelmingly powerful. His eyes so deep and dark they could scare away the devil. He sits down beside me and wraps his protective arm around me. His grip tight on my soul. His colonge wrapping me in comfort. His sweater warming my heart and is aura mixing with mine to become one. He wipes away a tear, and gives me a gentle kiss. He proclaims “Its alright, I’m here, everything will be ok.” and just lets me fall asleep in his arms. I feel complete and at home. I’m fearful that he’ll leave me for the computer. I’m terrified that he won’t always be there to protect me.

Perhaps this is why none of my relationships worked. One only wanted cold, meaningles sex, even though he was as masculing and powerful as any man imaginable. Another was masculine on the outside, but all women on the inside. Rudy was MY little brother. Or perhaps I was his father figure. I could never be happy with these styles.

I don’t believe that being gay is a result from your upbringing. I think its more like cancer. Cancer isn’t hereditary, but the potential for cancer is. If your mother has breast cancer, there is a great chance that you will be diagnosed with cancer eventually, if some condition turns on the cancer gene. So, like cancer, the potential to be gay is passed on, and if a situation causes this gene to be turned on, you will become gay. I think a stong feminine influence in your upbringing is only one potential way to turn this gene on.

All in all….I just want to be loved. So badly it brings me to tears to see happy people. I have so much love to give, that it brings me to tears when someone won’t take it.

I’m lonely…I seek a man.

Leo’Rain