Nurse Sean (dot) com

I’m not sure when the transition happened, but I have realized over the last few days that when someone asks what I do for work, I no longer say I’m a “Student Nurse.” Instead, I tell people I’m a nurse. I feel comfortable in my skills and knowledge that I make no apologies identifying myself as such. It will be nice when I can call myself Nurse Sean RN.

I’m 99.9% positive that this confidence and comfort comes from working as an undergrad nurse during the summer (they’re so desperate for nurses here they created a job for almost graduated nurses). I was on the most intensely busy, complex, and scary unit I have seen (both patients and nurses), and I am realizing now what a positive effect this has had on me.

In three months, I feel like I learned what could take years to learn on any other unit. So, while it was torture to work there, and I found myself hating everyday, there was a positive outcome.

I remember describing my summer job as being akin to the movie “The Devil Wears Prada” in which the main character works a horrible job for a year. Her job is torture, but she knows that if she just hangs in there she will learn a lot and be able to get any job she wants.

And yes…some of the nurses on the unit were as crazy and mean as her boss! It’s an awesome movie, I recommend it with all my heart. I actually enjoyed the movie more than the book, but do whatever makes you happier!

So, I’m on nights again this weekend. night shifts make me very happy. There is a definite calm in the air. Things are peaceful as the patients sleep. I love that it’s slow enough that I have time to really look over patient’s charts and get to know them. I also love watching the unit dive into instant chaos at 7:00am when doctors and nurses start arriving, and patients start waking up and needing help.

The unit I am on is a urology unit, which I’m truly enjoying. It’s giving me a set of procedures/surgeries/conditions that I can research and learn. There’s enough for me to sink my teeth into, but not so much (like a general surgery or medical unit) that I barely have a hope of getting a handle on my patient population. I also like that the patients tend to be a bit younger.

As for the school aspect of this practicum. I have been working on putting together a list of journal articles and professional websites on urology. I have also been doing a lot of reading on leadership. This will be a busy busy busy three months, but it will help time fly by until graduation. I can’t wait!

Well, things have been much better at work the last few days. I felt like a baby bird who was thrown out of a nest, panicking because I couldn’t fly, and just before splatting on the ground, my wings figured it out and I just barely saved myself.

It’s still a rough time, but I’m getting better at being on my own. I even have a good time laughing at myself during the trials of learning to function as a nurse in the “real world.” For example, trying to figure out how to work a vacuum tube to collect a midstream urine sample for a C&S test. It took three tries, but I finally figured it out. Then I was told a much much easier way to go about the task. But the point is, I’m not afraid to dig in and go for it! And to be honest, in the real world, you don’t have much time to wonder around, begging other nurses to teach you to use certain equipment. You have to rely on instruction manuals and policy and procedure binders.

Here’s what I hate. I still have student standards placed upon me, even though I am a full fledged employee. I have to work twice as hard as an RN, and do my job to 100% perfection Just to get half the respect. For example, often, a nurse will state in her report “I apologize, I didn’t have time to get ______ done,” the reply of which is “no problem, I’ll do it.”

However, if I didn’t have time to do something, it is considered gross incompetence, and an opportunity to lecture me. I may not be an RN, but I’m an employee doing the same job, with the same expectations, and the same patient load. Sometimes I have to prioritize and will run out of time before I can take care of minor details.

I’m also tired of asking for help and getting replies such as “go read the text book and the policy and procedure manual.” When I’m a student, I have two patients…plenty of time to go read a text book, or spend time flipping through manuals and binders. This is real life, I have 4-6 patients. I need help or an answer right away!!! And seriously, I’m almost 30 years old, I don’t need a lesson in how to research a fact in a text book.

ARG! I get that the RNs feel that I’m still a student and still have lots to learn, but in this role, doing my job comes first, and learning comes second. And yes, in general, by simply doing my job, I’m learning infinite amounts of stuff every day. So please, trust that when I need to learn something, I will ask you to teach me!

Sorry, just felt like ranting. I feel better.

By the way…thanks for all the supportive words everyone sent me after my last rant.

On an awesome note, R. and I are super excited. On Friday at 8:35pm, we’re taking a plane to Victoria. The closest I had to a vacation this summer was four days in a row. So, I used a Westjet credit. We’re staying at a nice harbour hotel, and plan to spend the weekend wondering around the downtown area exploring. The highlight will be a ghost tour that we’re taking on Saturday night.

I could pee my pants I’m so excited!

Well, back to World of Warcraft!

So, I’m on strike.

After spending all that time writing that last post, I realized that I meant to list several reasons as to why my life is chaotic, and I ignored all but one of them. I didn’t intend to write so much on the one subject.

Last Thursday, workers at the telephone company I work for (Telus) set up picket lines and declared themselves locked out. It’s a long and boring story, but Telus says we’re on strike, the union says we’re locked out.

Managment at Telus has slowly and increasingly treated us like pieces of garbage. Two years ago, Telus was an amazing company to work for, but now, it is a hell hole. An absolutely sickening company. I won’t go into examples because I don’t have a thousand hours, but just take my word for it.

The union is declaring that they want stronger protection for our jobs, no out sourcing, wage equity, yadda yadda yadda.

What it comes down to me is simply that Telus is mean to us, and I now have the chance to protest them. I am protesting against them in general, not just for detailed contracting issues. I am standing up against them because I don’t believe in the way they run their company.

What makes me sad are the people that are crossing picket lines. We are fighting for a better, more respectful work environment, and all they can think of is “Telus is offering me lots of money to cross the line–so I’m going to.”

I trust to easily.

During a union rally, Telus decided to parade about 200 managers and workers who crossed the line in front of us. They chanted about how much they love Telus, they shouted slurs at us, they laughed at us. The stand off became quite intense and felt close to errupting in violence.

And amongst these people standing against us were those I called friends, peers, and team members. They were people I trusted. They have aligned themselves against me for a few dollars. They couldn’t care less if what they think they are doing is right or wrong–they’re just excited about being financially rewarded for switching sides.

Ironically, many of the people I saw chanting about how much they love Telus, were those that complained the most about their jobs and managers.

It didn’t make me mad, it just saddened me…that the human spirit can be so easily influenced by money–by simple bribes. But that’s life.

I could go on forever. I don’t think I could even justly describe my feelings on the matter. I’m not a good enough poet or writer.

Another work place post…

Actually, my posts have been excessively sparse lately. I have been spending most of my time at R’s house these days, and I don’t want to post from there. Reason being, I want to go through and set all posts about R. as private before there’s any chance that he can see them.

We will be sharing a computer in a few days, so it will be possible for him to see what I’m writing. So, obviously, I don’t want him seeing anything that he wasn’t meant to see.

I’ve been playing house wife the last couple days. Sending R off to work with a kiss, and welcoming him home with a hug. Ironing his clothes and setting them out for him. Grocery shopping–making him dinner. Watching Days of Our Lives.

Seriously, I think I was meant for this life! I love taking care of my man!

How 1950s is that! (If your a women).

******

Work is a very strange atmosphere lately. We will be going on strike on Friday, so there’s very much a “calm before the storm” happening.

I feel like a war is about to start, and I am one of the soldiers. Fortunately it’s a war of ideologies–non violent. At least, not yet. Strikes do have the tendency to get vicious, but let’s hope it never gets to that!

The tension is certainly thick. But, for now, business as usual.

*******

Moving begins in the next few days–I hate it!

Add to that, I’m house sitting at my parent’s for two week.

An organizational nightmare!

I won’t graduate for another year and a half, but I’m already mourning
the loss of education. I find myself dreaming of which courses,
certificates, degrees, and careers I will study for when I
finish. The world is my oyster…I could do a Master’s degree,
then PhD….or perhaps Med school Me? A Doctor?

One idea, a little more fun, would be to study natural medicing
(homeopathic, naturopathic, herbology, Chinese, etc.) and then work on
a Master’s degree and PhD in Nursing, with my research focusing on
integrating these into nursing.

But more and more, my brain keeps going back to books, and poetry, and
drama. I never would have imagined ten years ago, but I am
thinking about spending time working on an English degree.
Perhaps by correspondence.

Anyway, I should really work on getting my degree in nursing, and then
getting comfortable in my career before moving on. I just hate
the idea of not learning. That’s one of the reasons I chose
nursing. When you become a nurse, you sign up for a lifetime of
learning, and relearning.

As an aside to this, I have been watching the third season of ER…and
more and more, I am craving the adrenaline and excitment of emergency
nursing.

******

In all other news, time marches on….

Time marches on…is my favorite phrase. It represents two things
for me. First, it says that no matter what is happening in your
life, time will advance. Not even the greatest tragedy can stop
time. Not even the end of the universe. I’m no physics
expert, but I believe…that time, even after the end of it all, will
still be marching on.

It also represents a lull in my life. If life is a series of
meaninful events, than the phrase “Time Marches on” represents the time
between these events. It is my way of glossing over the mundane.

And right now, time is definitely marching on…

That’s not to say life is boring or dull…it’s just that nothing is
happening. I wake up, I go to work, I come home, I watch tv, I
spend weekends with R.

Soon, I will be moving in with R.; something I am extremely excited
about because I was convinced I would never be loved by anyone, so it
seems odd that it has come this far. Self-Esteem issues?
Nah, there was just too many romantic tragedies, so I was convinced the
world was against me in that department.

I also figured I’d be galavanting around the globe, using my nursing
skills in many countries and situations…I figured I wouldn’t have
time in my life for settling down. But let me tell you, the idea
is working for me!

I did almost quit my job last week, but my boss (who is, by far, the
most amazing, impressive boss I have had to date) talked me out of it,
and we decided to cut back my hours so that I could look for another
job. He was very supportive of my new desire to seek out a career
in my field.

Anyway, like I say, time marches on, and hopefully I have something
happy happen to me soon. So that just for a moment, time will
feel like it stops, just for me.

Pyrsos

So, I’m still feeling a bit emotionally confused from yesterday.
I wrote a protected post about someone. Basically, a man whom I
have had feelings for for years showed up on my doorstep (just to say
hello…as a friend) but it magically brought back floods of
emotions. If you want to read it, just let me know, I’d add you
to the protected list. It really isn’t exciting enough
though…clips from long ago posts.

Anyway, today, I sit at home, still a bit sick with a sinus infectino
– the only remnant of my cold. I should be at work, but I’m
hiding. There’s BIG #$*%&$ going down there this week.
I may be on strike in a few days. We get money to picket, but I’m
going broke…and fast! I have financial commitments that need to
be met. So, I’m a little scared about that. Although, the
idea of a strike is a little exciting. I’ve never been involved
in one before, and I think it would be an interesting experience.
Plus, I hate the company I work for, and don’t really want to ever go
back there…so that side of it would be nice.

Damn the man!!!

And before you think “If you hate your job…get a new one!” That
is, in fact, a primary goal for the next few weeks. I hate the
whole process though. Interviews, applications, resumes,
refrences…etc. etc. etc. Makes me cringe at the thought.

I do have plans to head to the mall and pick up a couple items of
clothing. That will be nice. I could use some stuff.
But I’m still debating if I can spare the $100 or so in spite of the
uncertainties at work.

Tonight I have a ritual. It’s been awhile since I’ve been to a
ritual with my pagan “peeps.” I’m looking forward to it.
Two students are completing their final “drawing down” assignment, and
will soon graduate to full status within our circle. Excitement
abounds!

Yesterday, I sent out an introduction to my new students entering into
their first year on May 1st. I love teaching, and I always look
forward to this time of year when new students are eager and ready to
learn. Sadly, the majority drop out after a few weeks when they
realize that learning is work….not just fun.

Oh…but I refuse to let pessimism creep in already.

I’m going to see R. tonight. I’m pretty happy about that.
It has been about a week since I saw him last, and I truly miss
him. Sometimes it feels like he has no interest in seeing me more
than once a week. The problem is that I’m a clingy kind of guy,
and he isn’t. Now, I’ve learned my lesson in the past when a
clingy guy acts clingy around a non-clingy guy…it just doesn’t
work. So, I’m hanging back, just letting him decide when we get
together. Unfortunately, that leads to resentment and frustration
on my side. Two things that are also not so good…

Add to that, my feelings for G. that have recently bubbled to the surface, and you have one frustrated man!

Fortunately, I know that as soon as R. Hugs me, and says he missed me,
I will melt into his arms, and know that all is right in the world.

Pyrsos

I am the first person at work today. I came in, made coffee, and now I’m sitting here listening to my iPod (God bless my iPod) and sipping coffee that I made.

I went for a jog this morning. I forgot what a huge difference exercise makes on a person’s day. Everything just seems “sharper.”You feel just a little more comfortable in your own body.

Although, it wasn’t easy to wake myself up at 7:30am this morning since I ususally get up around 10am everyday. I’m grateful I did, and I think the main reason I was able to do it was that I knew I would be grateful….and be infinitely regretful if I slept in instead.

Isn’t it amazing how one song can bring back a wave emotions? I know…I’m preaching to the choir. But MAN! I only had to listen to James Taylor’s “Fire and Rain” once yesterday and I burst out in tears. At that moment I missed Boston, I missed P., I missed that assured feeling I had that I would be moving to Boston after graduation to be with him forever. I haven’t even talked to him for about six months. I went hunting for him last night online, but couldn’t find him. It was a wierd moment.

The beginning of the Baseball season…and watching those oh-so-sentimental Red Sox play at Fenway isn’t helping either.

Today is my nephew’s first b-day party. I discovered the other day while standing in Toys-R-Us,scratching my head, and staring at a wall of toys…that I have no idea how to buy for a one-year-old. I must admit I’ve never done it before. I got him a Baby Einstein Book (On Mozart…ick…everyone knows that I’m a Beethoven kind of guy, but you do what you have to do) and a little barking dog attached to a string that he can pull along beside him while he learns to walk.

Geeze…jogging with an iPod, buying toys for my nephew, eating special K etc.

…I’m officially a yuppy!

LOL

Pyrsos

My alarm woke me at 4am. I went back to sleep until 4:30am. Against my bodies every desire, I decided to wake up and face a day of work.

I wasn’t completely sure what would happen upon arriving at work. I was well aware that Ryan (A Jehovah’s witness that sends my gaydar off the scale-he for some reason doesn’t know he’s gay though) decided to stop showing up for work last week. I was ready to face a day of working alone.

Sandy saved the day! She decided to skip school, just so I wouldn’t have to struggle all day working alone. She rocks!

After the crowds had dispersed and Sandy had left, I put on my favorite “starbucks official manditory cd” of my choice. During lunch time it plays some amazing classical music. Beethoven’s “Sanata pathetique” came on and as usual entranced my imagination. I looked around. I saw depressed buisness men eating alone in the lounge. Employees fighting with bosses, people working harder than possible. I saw the world struggle and suffer. I turned up the song and listened as the sweet desperate note rose and fall, urging the listener onward. A sense of need being created with beautiful music. As the music drowned out the sounds of a busy hotel lobby, the world made sense. For those few moments that Beethoven gave me, I figured it all out. In a flash, and then it was gone. Gone as the echos on the walls when the conductor stops the orchestra. Everything was back to normal. My moment was gone.

For the millions of musicians, and authors and artists that have given me moments like these. How can I ever thank you.

beautiful.

I had fun this weekend and I am definatley relaxed after the week from hell at work. However, it was still a relatively uneventful weekend.

We had record sales on Friday, only by beating Thursdays sales. Barely able to walk, or talk, or keep my eyes open, I jumped in my truck to go home. It was downtown in rush hour and a transit strike is in full throttle, so it took me an hour and a half to drive the usual half hour route. Once home, I ate and went to bed.

My alarm rang at 11pm, time to go to the bar. The bar was fairly boring and uneventful. I spent the entire night chatting with Allison, one of my better friends from my SAPS days. We caught up on old times and drank ourselves silly.

Rudy was there the whole time. Drunker than I’ve ever seen him before. He was wild and crazy, and out of control. It was quite hilarious. At the end of the night I gave him a hug goodbye. The hug was too long. Not in a negative way though, but too long in the sense that friends don’t hug that way. We held each other for a few long moments that I’ll never, for some reason, forget. I felt what was between us. That small spark that says, “we may never be lovers or even good friends, but there will always be something between us.” and then I left.

Saturday was my usual lazy Saturday. I woke up, played on the internet and watched tv. At 10pm I went to the gay coffee shop and had a few gallons of coffee. Suprisingly nobody was there, so I ended up just reading the newspaper until closing time and then went to the bar.

Saturday at the bar was even more uneventful. I spent most of the night sitting alone and just saying hello, and having idle chit chat with whomever stopped by to see me. I went home even before last call.

My weekend is almost over again. At least I know they will come again, and perhaps next time it will be more eventful. Uneventful ones like this one are just as welcome though!