Nurse Sean (dot) com

My weekend began with a call at about 9:30am on Friday. I was having a horrible day. I’m sure you know the type of day I was having–I woke up on the wrong side of the bed and the day just conspired to keep me in a cranky mood. Every word, gesture, or action by any human being just served to make me angry. The mere existence of humanity and the world itself was enough to make want to scream in rage. Yes, it was one of “those” days.

The phone call went out to R. that I needed to get the hell of the city. We had been hinting of driving somewhere on the weekend, and I knew that I needed to reinforce that idea. The comfort of R.’s voice and the knowledge of an upcoming mini road trip kept me sane for the rest of the day.

We woke up at 7:00am Saturday with absolutely no knowledge of where we would be going. I finally decided that we were just going to start driving east with absolutely no plans as to where we were going to end up, or what we would do when we got there.

I secretly hoped we would get all the way to Saskatchewan. You see, while I have been all over the world, I’ve only been to two provinces in Canada–Alberta and BC (as long as you don’t count airport visits). So, I thought it would be nice to add Saskatchewan to my short list. But, I knew it was a long way to Saskatchewan and we only had the weekend.

We hit the road with the requisite bag full of McDonalds crap. I received the Garth Brooks collection from Wal-Mart for Christmas, so I slapped in one of those CDs and away we went. I bet a lot of you didn’t know about my secret Garth Brooks obsession. It’s the only country I ever have (or will) listen too. I’ve never been a country music fan, but somewhere along the way I became obsessed with Mr. Brooks, and never let go.

The first of many Tim Hortons stops was in Strathmore. By then, R. was sick of Garth Brooks, so I put all 3298 songs on my iPod on shuffle. Strathmore was a symbolic spot for me. It’s the farthest east on the Trans Canada highway that I have ever gone. As soon as we drove east of Strathmore, the trip was officially an adventure.

Our next stop was Brooks for more Tim Hortons. OK, seriously, what is that smell? I’ve heard that Brooks, Alberta had a “smell” to it, but it still took me by surprise. So, I ask all those that may know…what the heck is that smell?

(by the way…as I type…I’m eating vegetable barley soup from Planet Organic. It’s delicious! Go get some!)

After Brooks, I started to realize that this is a really dull chunk of the Trans Canada Highway. It’s nothing like heading west into the mountains, and R. states that after Saskatchewan there’s trees and lakes etc. All I could see was farm after farm after farm. I really started wondering what the heck was the goal of this road trip. I knew that I wanted adventure and fun. I wanted to explore and to experience new places, but at this point, all I had done was eat fatty foods, drink coffee, and watch run-down farm buildings fly by.

Medicine Hat was all about stopping and eating Arby’s. I expected Medicine Hat to be bigger. Perhaps it just looked small from the Highway, but I was sure it would have some office towers, malls, and suburbs. Instead, it just looked like another small prairie town. It’s amazing how you tend to build up pictures in your mind of cities that you have heard about all your life, but have never been to. I guess one of the fun parts of road trips is seeing just how these pictures differ from reality.

A few more minutes out of Medicine Hat and *poof* we were in Saskatchewan. I can add it to my list of Canadian provinces I have been to. I expected the moment to be more exciting, but really, it was all about going from prairie to…more prairie. Saskatchewan stretched into the distance in every distance but behind and I couldn’t wait to see what this trip would bring me.

Saskatchewan immediately invoked a feeling of loneliness for me. There was a huge feeling of emptiness that surrounded me as I looked out the window. The best word I was able to use for what I was seeing was “apocalyptic.” Every building we saw looked completely abandoned. Farm houses seemed rare. There were no little tiny towns. It was as though we were the only people in the entire world.

The weather started getting bad. Clouds drifted in and created almost no visibility. Now, in every direction were dense clouds. Snow blew across the road in gusts of wind. This all added to the empty feeling as we ploughed though Saskatchewan. I had no idea what was keeping us going. Every kilometer we drove, the farther we came from home, the greater our drive back was becoming.

Swift Current was a welcome sight. We parked the van and walked through the powerful winds into an old small town mall. Swift Current was also so much smaller than I always imagined. I started to wonder why I see towns as bigger than reality.

The mall was filled with numerous old people sitting in the food court, gossiping about life. I definitely felt like an outsider as the occasional crowd of old people stopped their conversations midstream and looked at us, wondering who the hell we were. We quickly used the bathroom and got out of there.

R. finally asked the questions we were both thinking. Do we stop? Go back? Keep going? Up until that point I was thinking, “we need to stop in Swift Current. The weather’s getting worse, and we’re getting FAR from home.” but I couldn’t believe when out of my mouth spilled, “We have to go to Moose Jaw…and I’m driving.”

The weather was horrible for about an hour, but it cleared up as the sun started to sink. I couldn’t believe that we had been driving so long that we had left Calgary just after sunrise, and we would be arriving at our destination just after sunset. Not to mention, I still hadn’t discovered the purpose of our trip. While we were traversing new territory, we weren’t really exploring, discovering, or experiencing anything. Really, all we had done was sit in a car and listen to a couple hundred random songs that in some way represented my life.

Moose Jaw! I don’t know why, but I have always wanted to see Moose Jaw. So, as I drove into town, I couldn’t help but feel excited. I couldn’t believe my eyes! Moose Jaw was WAY bigger than I had expected. There were tones of houses, malls, tall office/apartment buildings. And Main Street was so cool! It was filled with old, historic buildings with big personalities. It was dark, so there wasn’t much opportunity to look around, and we were tired and numb from driving for seven hours. We found a dirt-cheap hotel, went to Boston Pizza for dinner, and went to bed.

Boston Pizza was fun. There really was a community feeling in that place. Everybody seemed to know each other, mingling at different tables. Some people seemed as though they just hung out there a lot, others seemed as though they came from their kid’s hockey game. Either way, there was a quirkiness and charm to the people and the environment.

In the morning, we were faced with a six or seven hour trip home, so we decided not to stick around too long. However, we did go for a drive around town before leaving. Once again, I was struck by the apocalyptic, empty, lonely feeling that arose in me while looking out at Moose Jaw. The buildings all seemed too big for the town. They were run down and seemingly uncared for (at least visually). However, there was an extreme beauty to these buildings at the same time. Moose Jaw was completely unique to me in a way that I just can’t put my finger on. It had the feel of a large city that had been mostly abandoned. As I mentioned earlier, the buildings just seemed too big for the city.

I realized at this point that there was no purpose, and never would be a purpose to the road trip. I hadn’t thought about work for about 24 hours and that’s what really counts. I removed television, computers, and many other stimuli that keep my brain jumping all the time. Instead, I just listened to soft music and stared out at near nothingness. This lack of stimuli relaxed and refreshed me. The lack of purpose WAS the purpose. I’m tired of always having a purpose to what I do!

The idea of small town living gained another point in my big city books. In fact, I have decided to write a book called “In search of Cicely.” I doubt it will ever happen, but I like the idea of this book. I am obsessed with the show Northern Exposure. Since I was a kid, I have wanted to live in a little teeny quirky town such as the fictional Cicely, Alaska in which the show takes place. I would love to travel Canada in search of a town that lives up to the standards that Cicely has set. It would be a fun Canadian travel book, similar to the stuff that Will Ferguson does. But, I would have to magically become a great comedic writer. If that happens, I’ll give it a try!

This trip back was fun, and pretty much exactly the same as the trip in reverse. We were a little depressed that our weekend was done, and we had nothing to show for it but a very brief memory of Moose Jaw.

All I know is that I would like to go back to Saskatchewan when I can explore a little further. Maybe next time I can see Saskatoon and Regina too!

Or perhaps we’ll go south next time…

Sean

P.S. I had many beautiful pictures of the trip but (insert long boring story here) so I don’t have them. Sorry!

This song (as you all probably know) is called “Mad World” by Gary Jules. It was originally done by Tear for Fears. I love the Tears for Fears version, but this version captures and bottles a sense of despair that really seemed to be present in the world last year.

Words can’t describe how much I have fallen in love with this song over the last few months! And the video is VERY cool! This song will always represent 2006 in my mind. It truly captures the essence of what I was feeling. There are days when the world was just too much for me. I was surrounded by people that were dying, homeless, depressed, suicidal, crazy, angry…oh the list goes on. Life was overwhelming, and at times being “numb” and going through the motions without any emotions was all I could do to get by.

BUT, it’s time to move on. 2007 is about optimisim and hope. It’s about rewiring how I see the world. The first year out of nursing school is traditionally said to be the hardest, and I really thing it will be. However, I think it will be my best. I am recognizing that the challenges in my job are exactly what keeps me going back every day. I have chosen one of the most intellectually stimulating careers out there, and I find myself looking forward to coming home and pouring over my text books, researching many of the things I experience during the day.

Practicing on your own after nursing school offers a freedom that I can’t put a price on. I love being able to do things on my own, I love knowing that when I need someone to show me a new procedure there’s no pressure of being judged or marked. I love being able to organize and prioritize my day however I feel fit. I have strong, sometimes controversial, beliefs towards some aspects of nursing practice. I am feeling so much better that I can practice with these beliefs guiding the way I work.

I think 2006 will be the year I learned exactly what I hate about nursing, and 2007 will be the year I fall in love with this profession. Last year I fell into the common trap of going to work with a negative attitude (easy when it’s all around you). This year, I feel I will be going to work every day with optimism and positive vibes.

I now know that failures and bad days only serve to bring me closer to success and happiness.

So, how did I spend my New Years Eve? During our countdown to 2007, a call bell rang. We answered on the intercom to a panicked voice shouting, “I can’t breath!” So, at exactly midnight, I was running to get a non-rebreather mask while my coworkers ran to the patient.

She was fine….

Here’s a much happier song to bring in the new year! It describes my crazy hope and optimism that is pulling me into 2007. Yes, I’m probably crazy for being so happy and excited. We all know that it just invites fate to take aim at us…right?

This is “Crazy” by Andy Bell.

Not much is happening in my world at this time. I am busy beyond belief, but time is passing, and I sink into autumn with pure joy and comfort. Nothing in this world makes my heart sing more than the cool air and beautiful panoramas.

This is the minivan we picked up yesterday. A black 2006 Dodge Caravan. You may be wondering how the hell two gay men end up with a minivan. When it comes down to it, that’s just how it worked out financially. R.’s last car had been in a large accident and was worth almost nothing, but he still owed a LOT of money on it. Because of rebates and special offers, the caravan was the only vehicle we could find that was even close to affordable. We’re paying too much for it, but it has relieved R. of his upsidedown debt on the Sebring.

However, it works perfectly for us. We wanted a vehicle that offered a lot of space for moving to Victoria and the subsequent travelling and camping we plan to do. Plus, it will make the perfect carpool vehicle! I told R. that we need to make a lot of friends in Victoria so that we’d have people to drive around. We need to make use of those five extra seats!

It feels really nice to drive. Nice and big, looks sleek (for a minivan), and is extremely comfortable! I can’t wait to show it off to everyone. Who needs a ride soon? LOL

As for school, I’m so incredibly busy. This week we’re working on a case study project. I’m quite pissed off because I wrote up what I thought was an awesome case study. The story met all the necessary criteria. However, the group decided (in my absence of course) that they wouldn’t use it. So, now we’re left to come up with a new idea. Nobody has any ideas, and I just keep saying, “so, yah, what about the one that’s already created and written?” We’d be done our project by now, but they’re too stubborn, shooting down every idea that is thought of by the group. I can’t wait until I’m done school and won’t have to do tacky group projects.

We also had to create professional resumes. It seems like a fairly juvenile project; however, it has been quite useful. They brought in professional resume councellors to teach us all the “dos” and “don’ts” of writing a resume. Better yet, the lecture was focused on how to write a professional resume from a student nurse perspective. Meaning, showing us how to include clinical rotations, undergraduate positions etc. Even though I will most likely have two job offers without even applying for them, when I move to Victoria I will need a proper resume.

The thing that was great about this project was that when I compared the resume I already had, to what was expected, there wasn’t too many differences. Apparently I’m already good at resume writing! I just needed to “tweak.”

Finally, I have declared the song “Starlight” by Muse to be the best song of the year. This decision wasn’t made lightly, but it has been done. This is only the second year in a row that I’ve chosen this award. Perhaps, sometime soon, I will share last years. Unfortunately, I think almost everyone would disagree with last year’s choice! Anyway! Here’s this year’s top pick.

I just wanted to drag in any stragglers to Change of Shift. I actually have a post featured there! YAY! Lots of good nurse stuff.

And here’s a little Change of Shift reading music. “Breath” by erasure. Hit play and head off to read all those great blogs.

I woke up at 5:30am today for no particular reason. I looked at my clock in shock and dragged my butt out of bed. Getting out of bed at that time is a bit of a shock at first, but I love having a quiet morning with a cup of tea and breakfast television. It makes the day feel longer when you get that chunk of time in before the sun comes up.

I decided first thing to search for “erasure” on youtube.com. What ensued was about two hours of watching video after video of their’s. We don’t get to see much of them here in Canada, so it was pretty much my first time watching many of their videos. An even harder chore was trying to pick a video to share with everyone. In the end, I desided on this one, simply because it’s one of my all time favorites. It is called “Fingers and Thumbs (Cold Summer’s Day).”

My only plan for today is to write a clinical reflection on ethics. I need to research the specific rules around performing procedures against a patient’s will. This is a pretty big topic, so it should really be no big deal. This all stems from an incident where we put an NG tube in a man that was begging us to stop. He didn’t speak english, so we struggled to communicate the reason for the procedure. In the end, after his extremely distended abdomen was drained, he was VERY happy we did the procedure and thanked me profusely. Still, there was something about inserting the tube while he was yellling “no, no, no, no!” That didn’t sit well with me. The other option was to clean emesis off him and his bed every fifteen minutes.

Other than that, I have a lot of tea drinking and blog reading planned. I have decided that people just don’t update their blogs enough to entertain me on these long days away from clinical practice! Get to it!

I hope everybody is having a wonderful day!

I have nothing better to do, so I figured I would post. It’s been
an intensly boring week. I really haven’t done much. I
haven’t seen R. since Monday, but it feels like a freakin’
eternity! Thank goodness I’m with him from tonight until Monday.

It seems that every time I go home (I spend weekends with him) it’s
harder to say goodbye. I think we need to talk this weekend and
solidify a timeline for moving in together. I’m very
excited. What a huge step.

I’m hoping he wants to move to a new a new appartment. He keeps
talking about just staying where he is, but I’m really no fan of his
place. It’s a basement suite, on a busy road. It’s loud,
and dark, and small, and smells like mildew since the flooding.
There’s so many beautiful communities to move to, it’s just a matter of
convincing him that we should do so.

As much as I’m completely in love with him, I still have that “pulled
in two directions” feel that men tend to get. Should I settle, or
should I go back to the adrenaline filled life of bachelorhood. I
know I want to, and need to, and WILL settle into a wonderful life with
R. However, I believe all men always have that little voice in
the back of their head that says “spread your seed.”

I like to think I’m civilized, so I can resist the little voices.

Work has been silly this week. I haven’t really worked at
all. I’ve sat in my desk and read poetry, and written a bit as
well. While it not be all that impressive, I adore my
stuff. It is my art, and I’m proud of myself for creating it.

Music was always my specialty, not words. But I crave words as
strongly as I crave music. Both reading, analyzing, and
writing. Perhaps one day, I will take the plunge and write a
novel. Or should that just go on the “things I always wanted to
do, but never did” list?

So, life is…well…same old…same old.

I am, in general, happy.

Tegan and Sara are on my iPod. It makes for good, late-night,
winding down music. A little bit rock and roll, but still gentle,
with lyrics to sooth. I just downloaded their most recent latest
CD from iTunes. Interestingly, Tegan and Sara went to the same
high school as I did. I was in grade twelve when they were in
grade ten if I remember correctly. It was a school of about three
thousand though, so I certainly can’t claim to have known of their
existence.

I had a great day today. I slept like a baby last night. I
was exhausted from my long day of jogging, dieting, birthday parties,
and working. So, last night, it felt incredible to fall asleep in
R’s big bearish arms. I slept for ten hours straight and woke up
in his big bearish arms. We immediately hit Tim Horton’s for
coffee…

I can’t believe I have been going to Tim Horton’s. I feel like
such a Starbucks traitor. But R despises Starbucks, and I’m
always the accomidating, comprimising one, so we go to his favoritei
place — Tim Horton’s. I suppose it’s not that bad. They’re
easier to find, and I’m positive they put a secret ingredient in the
sugar…that stuff is better, and more addictive, than crack-cocaine.

We headed to Crossroads flee market. Nothing overly exciting
there. We had perogies and cabbage rolls for lunch. They
were made by an old Ukranian woman. They were incredibly
declicious. After that, we spent a couple hours browsing the
junk. Really, it wasn’t much better than your average garage
sale.
Then, it was off to Chapters. I picked up a book on Jogging that
is meant for beginners. I think it will be good for me…it gives
a thirteen week plan for getting into jogging. The plan starts
you off gently, and works you up to an hour jog. We’ll see how I
do. I’m not exactly known for my will power and level of
commitment. I also got “Wicked: The Life and Times of the
Wicked Witch of the West.”I have been listening to the music
from the broadway musical “Wicked” which is based on that book, but I
can’t quite piece together the story line (I hate that they cut out
dialogue on Broadway soundtracks…it isn’t like there’s a lot of
it!). Anyway, I can’t wait to read it.

After that….it was off to Cochrane for some ice cream. The ice cream store there makes the BEST chocolate ice cream.

Then…a lonely night of studying, Desperate House Wives, Grey’s Anatomy, and Tegan and Sara.

Just your average, gentle, rainy Sunday…

Pyrsos

Do you know what sounds like fun, but really isn’t?

Taking all the hundreds of cds you own, and uploading them into
iTunes…all this in preparation for downloading to my new (crosses
fingers and chants *please let it happen*) iPod. My regular cd
player doesn’t seem to be working anymore, so I’m stuck using my older
one….and it’s taking FOREVER for each cd.

Oh well…it’s giving me an excuse not to study. And it’s easy to do while watching The View and Days of Our Lives.

The funny thing is: I’m sipping my last cup of coffee in the
house, wondering if I can afford to buy more. I had my last
granola bar a few minutes ago, and wonder how I’m going to eat
today…no food, no money. I’m worried about getting an interview
for a unit clerk or nursing assistant position because I’m lacking nice
clothes to wear.

But I’m buying an iPod. I know…sounds strange. But tax
returns are a magical thing. I’m getting more than I’m used to,
and decided that although most will go to food and new clothes, I
wanted something special for myself. I even started a debate at
work over which MP3 player is best.

In other news…I’ve begun craving an iMac. I had one for about
six years. When it just became too old to handle modern life I
had to look for a new computer. I dreamed of having an iMac
again, but I didn’t have $3000 to spend on one of those fancy ones with
the adjustable screens. So, I bought a cheap PC. I love my
PC, but there’s just something magical about having a Mac. As
though you’re part of a special club.

Still missing R. I miss his arms, and the way his clothes smell
of snuggy. I miss the way he takes care of me.

Am I a nursing geek? I bought “Gray’s Anatomy” for
fun. I am enjoying exploring the drawings and the
descriptions of human anatomy. That reminds me, I need to order
those books on blood gasses and fluid balance from amazon.

The clock is ticking until my RN examinations…eight hours of
joy….and I need to start the process of knowing all there is to know.

Pyrsos

I am starting this page because I wish to be anonymous.

I have
another blog out there on the WWW, but I have found my frequency of
posting slowing down considerably. For awhile, I thought perhaps my
life just wasn’t as depressing as it was needed to write long, soulful
posts. However, I have a new theory. I think, because all my friends
now have access to my blog, I am no longer able to be completely honest
with myself.

I censor myself. I write on the surface. I am
afraid of hurting someone by what I say. So, I need to dive back into
anonymity. This is where I started from years ago when I started, and
from which, I made beautiful, revealing, powerful posts. I hope to
discover this once more.

I will start with two current
obsessions. The first obsession is with the new Tori Amos CD “The
Beekeeper. What an incredibly beautiful CD. It hasn’t received the best
of critical review. But fuck the reviewers! Absolute beauty and power
in her words and sounds. And I listen to her as I speak.

My
second obsession is the latest Margaret Atwood book, “Oryx and Crake.”
An Orwellian masterpiece!!! I’m about three quarters of the way
through, and I’m intrigued by the quiet way the book unfolds itself,
revealing pockets of information. Read it!!!

I wonder how long it will take for my friends to find me….and interesting game I am playing…

My alarm woke me at 4am. I went back to sleep until 4:30am. Against my bodies every desire, I decided to wake up and face a day of work.

I wasn’t completely sure what would happen upon arriving at work. I was well aware that Ryan (A Jehovah’s witness that sends my gaydar off the scale-he for some reason doesn’t know he’s gay though) decided to stop showing up for work last week. I was ready to face a day of working alone.

Sandy saved the day! She decided to skip school, just so I wouldn’t have to struggle all day working alone. She rocks!

After the crowds had dispersed and Sandy had left, I put on my favorite “starbucks official manditory cd” of my choice. During lunch time it plays some amazing classical music. Beethoven’s “Sanata pathetique” came on and as usual entranced my imagination. I looked around. I saw depressed buisness men eating alone in the lounge. Employees fighting with bosses, people working harder than possible. I saw the world struggle and suffer. I turned up the song and listened as the sweet desperate note rose and fall, urging the listener onward. A sense of need being created with beautiful music. As the music drowned out the sounds of a busy hotel lobby, the world made sense. For those few moments that Beethoven gave me, I figured it all out. In a flash, and then it was gone. Gone as the echos on the walls when the conductor stops the orchestra. Everything was back to normal. My moment was gone.

For the millions of musicians, and authors and artists that have given me moments like these. How can I ever thank you.

beautiful.