Nurse Sean (dot) com

I have nothing better to do, so I figured I would post. It’s been
an intensly boring week. I really haven’t done much. I
haven’t seen R. since Monday, but it feels like a freakin’
eternity! Thank goodness I’m with him from tonight until Monday.

It seems that every time I go home (I spend weekends with him) it’s
harder to say goodbye. I think we need to talk this weekend and
solidify a timeline for moving in together. I’m very
excited. What a huge step.

I’m hoping he wants to move to a new a new appartment. He keeps
talking about just staying where he is, but I’m really no fan of his
place. It’s a basement suite, on a busy road. It’s loud,
and dark, and small, and smells like mildew since the flooding.
There’s so many beautiful communities to move to, it’s just a matter of
convincing him that we should do so.

As much as I’m completely in love with him, I still have that “pulled
in two directions” feel that men tend to get. Should I settle, or
should I go back to the adrenaline filled life of bachelorhood. I
know I want to, and need to, and WILL settle into a wonderful life with
R. However, I believe all men always have that little voice in
the back of their head that says “spread your seed.”

I like to think I’m civilized, so I can resist the little voices.

Work has been silly this week. I haven’t really worked at
all. I’ve sat in my desk and read poetry, and written a bit as
well. While it not be all that impressive, I adore my
stuff. It is my art, and I’m proud of myself for creating it.

Music was always my specialty, not words. But I crave words as
strongly as I crave music. Both reading, analyzing, and
writing. Perhaps one day, I will take the plunge and write a
novel. Or should that just go on the “things I always wanted to
do, but never did” list?

So, life is…well…same old…same old.

I am, in general, happy.

I won’t graduate for another year and a half, but I’m already mourning
the loss of education. I find myself dreaming of which courses,
certificates, degrees, and careers I will study for when I
finish. The world is my oyster…I could do a Master’s degree,
then PhD….or perhaps Med school Me? A Doctor?

One idea, a little more fun, would be to study natural medicing
(homeopathic, naturopathic, herbology, Chinese, etc.) and then work on
a Master’s degree and PhD in Nursing, with my research focusing on
integrating these into nursing.

But more and more, my brain keeps going back to books, and poetry, and
drama. I never would have imagined ten years ago, but I am
thinking about spending time working on an English degree.
Perhaps by correspondence.

Anyway, I should really work on getting my degree in nursing, and then
getting comfortable in my career before moving on. I just hate
the idea of not learning. That’s one of the reasons I chose
nursing. When you become a nurse, you sign up for a lifetime of
learning, and relearning.

As an aside to this, I have been watching the third season of ER…and
more and more, I am craving the adrenaline and excitment of emergency
nursing.

******

In all other news, time marches on….

Time marches on…is my favorite phrase. It represents two things
for me. First, it says that no matter what is happening in your
life, time will advance. Not even the greatest tragedy can stop
time. Not even the end of the universe. I’m no physics
expert, but I believe…that time, even after the end of it all, will
still be marching on.

It also represents a lull in my life. If life is a series of
meaninful events, than the phrase “Time Marches on” represents the time
between these events. It is my way of glossing over the mundane.

And right now, time is definitely marching on…

That’s not to say life is boring or dull…it’s just that nothing is
happening. I wake up, I go to work, I come home, I watch tv, I
spend weekends with R.

Soon, I will be moving in with R.; something I am extremely excited
about because I was convinced I would never be loved by anyone, so it
seems odd that it has come this far. Self-Esteem issues?
Nah, there was just too many romantic tragedies, so I was convinced the
world was against me in that department.

I also figured I’d be galavanting around the globe, using my nursing
skills in many countries and situations…I figured I wouldn’t have
time in my life for settling down. But let me tell you, the idea
is working for me!

I did almost quit my job last week, but my boss (who is, by far, the
most amazing, impressive boss I have had to date) talked me out of it,
and we decided to cut back my hours so that I could look for another
job. He was very supportive of my new desire to seek out a career
in my field.

Anyway, like I say, time marches on, and hopefully I have something
happy happen to me soon. So that just for a moment, time will
feel like it stops, just for me.

Pyrsos

Tegan and Sara are on my iPod. It makes for good, late-night,
winding down music. A little bit rock and roll, but still gentle,
with lyrics to sooth. I just downloaded their most recent latest
CD from iTunes. Interestingly, Tegan and Sara went to the same
high school as I did. I was in grade twelve when they were in
grade ten if I remember correctly. It was a school of about three
thousand though, so I certainly can’t claim to have known of their
existence.

I had a great day today. I slept like a baby last night. I
was exhausted from my long day of jogging, dieting, birthday parties,
and working. So, last night, it felt incredible to fall asleep in
R’s big bearish arms. I slept for ten hours straight and woke up
in his big bearish arms. We immediately hit Tim Horton’s for
coffee…

I can’t believe I have been going to Tim Horton’s. I feel like
such a Starbucks traitor. But R despises Starbucks, and I’m
always the accomidating, comprimising one, so we go to his favoritei
place — Tim Horton’s. I suppose it’s not that bad. They’re
easier to find, and I’m positive they put a secret ingredient in the
sugar…that stuff is better, and more addictive, than crack-cocaine.

We headed to Crossroads flee market. Nothing overly exciting
there. We had perogies and cabbage rolls for lunch. They
were made by an old Ukranian woman. They were incredibly
declicious. After that, we spent a couple hours browsing the
junk. Really, it wasn’t much better than your average garage
sale.
Then, it was off to Chapters. I picked up a book on Jogging that
is meant for beginners. I think it will be good for me…it gives
a thirteen week plan for getting into jogging. The plan starts
you off gently, and works you up to an hour jog. We’ll see how I
do. I’m not exactly known for my will power and level of
commitment. I also got “Wicked: The Life and Times of the
Wicked Witch of the West.”I have been listening to the music
from the broadway musical “Wicked” which is based on that book, but I
can’t quite piece together the story line (I hate that they cut out
dialogue on Broadway soundtracks…it isn’t like there’s a lot of
it!). Anyway, I can’t wait to read it.

After that….it was off to Cochrane for some ice cream. The ice cream store there makes the BEST chocolate ice cream.

Then…a lonely night of studying, Desperate House Wives, Grey’s Anatomy, and Tegan and Sara.

Just your average, gentle, rainy Sunday…

Pyrsos

SO!!!

I have my iPod! And I must admit that I’m absolutely as
obsessed with it as I expected I would be. I bought the 30G iPod
photo. I’ve spent the last few days uploading the last of my CD’s
into iTunes and then downloading them onto my iPod. I have just
over 3000 songs on my iPod with about 20 CDs left to upload.

*phew*

I’ve also had fun dowloading pictures onto it…as well as taking more
with my digital camera. People get a kick out of my “old fashion”
camera which is only about six years old, but people give it looks as
though it was something my great grandmother owned.

“It’s SO big! Does it take good pictures?” LOL. I
spent so much money on it, that even now, years later, it takes better
pictures than most digital cameras. Even though it is big.

I took some pictures of my co-workers, and more of my research group
making our poster, and then some of R and myself. All safely on
my iPod.

iMac fever is destroying me lately. I MUST have an iMac. I
won’t do it though I can’t afford it. I guess since I don’t
have the money, I have nothing to worry about. I’m just worried
I’ll do something stupid like finance it, or put it on my credit
card. I just need to keep chanting “You have a good computer that
you love and cherish…..don’t do it….don’t do it…don’t do
it!”

I spent three days with R. over the weekend. Something
happened…I’m not sure what, but sometimes you can just physically
feel yourself falling for someone just a little bit more. We have
a pretty darn good time hanging out together.

Tomorrow we present our poster…I hope it goes over well….I’m not too worried though.

*Must not buy an iMac*

Do you know what sounds like fun, but really isn’t?

Taking all the hundreds of cds you own, and uploading them into
iTunes…all this in preparation for downloading to my new (crosses
fingers and chants *please let it happen*) iPod. My regular cd
player doesn’t seem to be working anymore, so I’m stuck using my older
one….and it’s taking FOREVER for each cd.

Oh well…it’s giving me an excuse not to study. And it’s easy to do while watching The View and Days of Our Lives.

The funny thing is: I’m sipping my last cup of coffee in the
house, wondering if I can afford to buy more. I had my last
granola bar a few minutes ago, and wonder how I’m going to eat
today…no food, no money. I’m worried about getting an interview
for a unit clerk or nursing assistant position because I’m lacking nice
clothes to wear.

But I’m buying an iPod. I know…sounds strange. But tax
returns are a magical thing. I’m getting more than I’m used to,
and decided that although most will go to food and new clothes, I
wanted something special for myself. I even started a debate at
work over which MP3 player is best.

In other news…I’ve begun craving an iMac. I had one for about
six years. When it just became too old to handle modern life I
had to look for a new computer. I dreamed of having an iMac
again, but I didn’t have $3000 to spend on one of those fancy ones with
the adjustable screens. So, I bought a cheap PC. I love my
PC, but there’s just something magical about having a Mac. As
though you’re part of a special club.

Still missing R. I miss his arms, and the way his clothes smell
of snuggy. I miss the way he takes care of me.

Am I a nursing geek? I bought “Gray’s Anatomy” for
fun. I am enjoying exploring the drawings and the
descriptions of human anatomy. That reminds me, I need to order
those books on blood gasses and fluid balance from amazon.

The clock is ticking until my RN examinations…eight hours of
joy….and I need to start the process of knowing all there is to know.

Pyrsos

Another day gone.

I hate that life seems to be on fastforward. I am also grateful
for that fact. I can’t wait to be done school, but it feels as
though my mid-twenties have been stolen from me.

I have started dreaming about my future. I see ads for cars and I
know that in a couple years, I can afford one. I see ads for
condos…and I start to see myself living there.

….in a couple years.

When it comes to focusing, I usually fail right about where the light
at the end of the tunnel begins to appear. So, I need to hold
onto those future dreams–keep them bottled up until I’m done school.

TWO MORE YEARS until I’m done! One more year until I can start
working as a nurse. Ack…that’s kind of scary. I don’t
exactly feel ready to start working.

I miss R. today. When you spend three days attached at the hip,
it becomes an issue when you suddenly find yourself alone.
It doesn’t help when you spend the morning studying
co-dependency…leads to self-diagnosis!

I have decided to buy an iPod. A completely useless purchase with
no real purpose in my life….other than pure prestige…and the joy of
owning a new electronic device. It was also the only way I could
talk myself out of buying a cockatiel. I made myself choose
between the two, and the iPod won. Both cost the same amount…

Anyway, I’m off to read my book and fall asleep. I’m reading “No
Crystal Stair: A Novel” Brilliant book, but very difficult
to get into. I’m glad I read it, but I’m not sure I would
recommend it. I know, I can be so full of contradictions.

I want to mention the man I’m dating (Yes…I’m a homo-flaming-gay-o-sexual).

He is a big bear of a man. 6′1″ 275#…typical aries…

Sweet, caring, protective, cuddly, mostly humorous. And I’m
completely falling for him. Mostly, I think, because his laundry
smells so wonderful. I call him snuggly bear because he smells
like fabric softener.

We love to cuddle while we watch tv. We like to eat food that he force feeds me like an Italian mother.

He’s older…40 years old to my 26…but I don’t let that stop
me. In fact, I tend to like the big brother feel I get when I’m
around him. Really, that big brother energy is what I find most
attractive in a man.

He says things like, “I don’t want to hurt you” and “I still don’t know
where this is going, so don’t get your hopes up.”And when he
does, it rips through my soul, mingling with the current scar
tissue. This is when I know I’m in emotional trouble.

But hey…it’s been two weeks….longest relationship so far….that’s something to be happy about.

Anyway, I need to find a glass of water…and try and convince myself it’s half full.