Nurse Sean (dot) com

I have nothing better to do, so I figured I would post. It’s been
an intensly boring week. I really haven’t done much. I
haven’t seen R. since Monday, but it feels like a freakin’
eternity! Thank goodness I’m with him from tonight until Monday.

It seems that every time I go home (I spend weekends with him) it’s
harder to say goodbye. I think we need to talk this weekend and
solidify a timeline for moving in together. I’m very
excited. What a huge step.

I’m hoping he wants to move to a new a new appartment. He keeps
talking about just staying where he is, but I’m really no fan of his
place. It’s a basement suite, on a busy road. It’s loud,
and dark, and small, and smells like mildew since the flooding.
There’s so many beautiful communities to move to, it’s just a matter of
convincing him that we should do so.

As much as I’m completely in love with him, I still have that “pulled
in two directions” feel that men tend to get. Should I settle, or
should I go back to the adrenaline filled life of bachelorhood. I
know I want to, and need to, and WILL settle into a wonderful life with
R. However, I believe all men always have that little voice in
the back of their head that says “spread your seed.”

I like to think I’m civilized, so I can resist the little voices.

Work has been silly this week. I haven’t really worked at
all. I’ve sat in my desk and read poetry, and written a bit as
well. While it not be all that impressive, I adore my
stuff. It is my art, and I’m proud of myself for creating it.

Music was always my specialty, not words. But I crave words as
strongly as I crave music. Both reading, analyzing, and
writing. Perhaps one day, I will take the plunge and write a
novel. Or should that just go on the “things I always wanted to
do, but never did” list?

So, life is…well…same old…same old.

I am, in general, happy.

You Were the First Women I Saw Die
I remember adjusting your
old fake
dirty teeth,
after cleaning them (of course).
Just like I promised that women.
your daughter?
She was very demanding, but
you should have seen the way she wept,
and told you you’d be home soon.

I’ve never heard a wail like that
and the way she begged,
“There must be something you can do”

Then sand through sifter…
You were gone.
beauty
peace
evolved throughout your room,
folding on itself like smoke,
so beautiful when pierced by light.

later,
I sat outside, weeping.
For you or your daughter?
The buzzing orange light above,
the only interruption
in the white snow’s perfect muffled silence.

You were my first, did you know that?
To see you die became my passage
all of us must take.

Two Rivers

I watch from far above,
Through windows warped with summer’s rain.
It hits with steamy fast staccato–
Harpsichords,
or flippant bugs on road trip windshields.
Little lives that end in tragic form,
their stuff like art obstructs the view.
Yes, this is what I see…

I see two swollen restless rivers,
as the past and then the future.
Vicious waves churn rocky soil,
swallow logs from unknown sources,
both so filled with human fears/excitement.

And parallel they forward march,
like time and war, Avoiding peace.
I pray their well-meant chaos never meet.

And placed between by gentler hands,
is greenish grass, like black to white.
The river’s rush is left behind for
candy cotton home-made dreams.
A place to lay my tired head,
to sink below, and dream.
Mothers, husbands, children;
so much happy–I suppose.

And I am left to choose,
Which river or
the island.

I won’t graduate for another year and a half, but I’m already mourning
the loss of education. I find myself dreaming of which courses,
certificates, degrees, and careers I will study for when I
finish. The world is my oyster…I could do a Master’s degree,
then PhD….or perhaps Med school Me? A Doctor?

One idea, a little more fun, would be to study natural medicing
(homeopathic, naturopathic, herbology, Chinese, etc.) and then work on
a Master’s degree and PhD in Nursing, with my research focusing on
integrating these into nursing.

But more and more, my brain keeps going back to books, and poetry, and
drama. I never would have imagined ten years ago, but I am
thinking about spending time working on an English degree.
Perhaps by correspondence.

Anyway, I should really work on getting my degree in nursing, and then
getting comfortable in my career before moving on. I just hate
the idea of not learning. That’s one of the reasons I chose
nursing. When you become a nurse, you sign up for a lifetime of
learning, and relearning.

As an aside to this, I have been watching the third season of ER…and
more and more, I am craving the adrenaline and excitment of emergency
nursing.

******

In all other news, time marches on….

Time marches on…is my favorite phrase. It represents two things
for me. First, it says that no matter what is happening in your
life, time will advance. Not even the greatest tragedy can stop
time. Not even the end of the universe. I’m no physics
expert, but I believe…that time, even after the end of it all, will
still be marching on.

It also represents a lull in my life. If life is a series of
meaninful events, than the phrase “Time Marches on” represents the time
between these events. It is my way of glossing over the mundane.

And right now, time is definitely marching on…

That’s not to say life is boring or dull…it’s just that nothing is
happening. I wake up, I go to work, I come home, I watch tv, I
spend weekends with R.

Soon, I will be moving in with R.; something I am extremely excited
about because I was convinced I would never be loved by anyone, so it
seems odd that it has come this far. Self-Esteem issues?
Nah, there was just too many romantic tragedies, so I was convinced the
world was against me in that department.

I also figured I’d be galavanting around the globe, using my nursing
skills in many countries and situations…I figured I wouldn’t have
time in my life for settling down. But let me tell you, the idea
is working for me!

I did almost quit my job last week, but my boss (who is, by far, the
most amazing, impressive boss I have had to date) talked me out of it,
and we decided to cut back my hours so that I could look for another
job. He was very supportive of my new desire to seek out a career
in my field.

Anyway, like I say, time marches on, and hopefully I have something
happy happen to me soon. So that just for a moment, time will
feel like it stops, just for me.

Pyrsos

I am reading Goldie Hawn’s book. It doesn’t so much read as a
biography, or a memoir. Instead, it’s flashes of memories–short
and quick–that let us in on vague moments in her life and what she’s
learned from those moments. To be honest, it’s quite an
interesting read.

I spent my day (one of a rare free days to myself) doing an utmost
fascinating task. I took all the pictures and documents from my
old iMac, and transfered them to my PC. Sounds easy, but I just
couldn’t get my memory stick to work on my mac (although, it should
have), so instead, I slowly uploaded hundreds of pictures from my iMac
into Gmail and sent them to myself. It took hours. I also
recovered many poems and first chapters that I’ve written. It is
so much fun to go back and see my moments of brilliant writing as well
as the absolute crap.

Several pictures (mostly of my sister’s wedding), didn’t make the trip
very well. However, I now have about 75% of them available.
Soon they will be organized into albums, and downloaded onto my iPod. I
have finaly done this! I’ve been thinking about it for a year and
a half *phew!*

One thing I noticed, was how GREAT I looked when I was younger. I
have pics going back to when I was 19 years old. Man, the years
and the pounds really sneak up on you. Oh well, age happens…get
over it. I am on the South Beach diet, and I’ve lost eight
pounds. I’m now at 210 pounds. When those pics were taken,
I was around 160-180. Big difference. However, I was on my
feet all day back then, working as a waiter, running my ass off.
Perhaps when I graduate and become an RN, I will start dropping some
pounds.

Durning the evening was a Spira ritual. I had a bit of a
leadership role. I didn’t do so well…forgetting parts
etc. But for the most part, things stayed together, and no huge
problems.

I know you all hate rain…but man…I am loving this not stop downpoor. I dread the day it becomes hot and sunny again.

Lastly, I’m waiting to hear back if I got a job in Loyalty and
Retention. Everyone cross your fingers for me. If I get the
job, I’ll explain it a little further.

Anyway, that’s a glimpse into my last few days.

Pyrsos