Nurse Sean (dot) com

Do you know what sounds like fun, but really isn’t?

Taking all the hundreds of cds you own, and uploading them into
iTunes…all this in preparation for downloading to my new (crosses
fingers and chants *please let it happen*) iPod. My regular cd
player doesn’t seem to be working anymore, so I’m stuck using my older
one….and it’s taking FOREVER for each cd.

Oh well…it’s giving me an excuse not to study. And it’s easy to do while watching The View and Days of Our Lives.

The funny thing is: I’m sipping my last cup of coffee in the
house, wondering if I can afford to buy more. I had my last
granola bar a few minutes ago, and wonder how I’m going to eat
today…no food, no money. I’m worried about getting an interview
for a unit clerk or nursing assistant position because I’m lacking nice
clothes to wear.

But I’m buying an iPod. I know…sounds strange. But tax
returns are a magical thing. I’m getting more than I’m used to,
and decided that although most will go to food and new clothes, I
wanted something special for myself. I even started a debate at
work over which MP3 player is best.

In other news…I’ve begun craving an iMac. I had one for about
six years. When it just became too old to handle modern life I
had to look for a new computer. I dreamed of having an iMac
again, but I didn’t have $3000 to spend on one of those fancy ones with
the adjustable screens. So, I bought a cheap PC. I love my
PC, but there’s just something magical about having a Mac. As
though you’re part of a special club.

Still missing R. I miss his arms, and the way his clothes smell
of snuggy. I miss the way he takes care of me.

Am I a nursing geek? I bought “Gray’s Anatomy” for
fun. I am enjoying exploring the drawings and the
descriptions of human anatomy. That reminds me, I need to order
those books on blood gasses and fluid balance from amazon.

The clock is ticking until my RN examinations…eight hours of
joy….and I need to start the process of knowing all there is to know.

Pyrsos

Another day gone.

I hate that life seems to be on fastforward. I am also grateful
for that fact. I can’t wait to be done school, but it feels as
though my mid-twenties have been stolen from me.

I have started dreaming about my future. I see ads for cars and I
know that in a couple years, I can afford one. I see ads for
condos…and I start to see myself living there.

….in a couple years.

When it comes to focusing, I usually fail right about where the light
at the end of the tunnel begins to appear. So, I need to hold
onto those future dreams–keep them bottled up until I’m done school.

TWO MORE YEARS until I’m done! One more year until I can start
working as a nurse. Ack…that’s kind of scary. I don’t
exactly feel ready to start working.

I miss R. today. When you spend three days attached at the hip,
it becomes an issue when you suddenly find yourself alone.
It doesn’t help when you spend the morning studying
co-dependency…leads to self-diagnosis!

I have decided to buy an iPod. A completely useless purchase with
no real purpose in my life….other than pure prestige…and the joy of
owning a new electronic device. It was also the only way I could
talk myself out of buying a cockatiel. I made myself choose
between the two, and the iPod won. Both cost the same amount…

Anyway, I’m off to read my book and fall asleep. I’m reading “No
Crystal Stair: A Novel” Brilliant book, but very difficult
to get into. I’m glad I read it, but I’m not sure I would
recommend it. I know, I can be so full of contradictions.

I have been beaten up by my own life. School, work, relationship,
waning amounts of time; all combined with brutal levels of
exhaustions. Nothing like some cuddling, good reading, and
playing with my new road trip iMix to get me feeling better.

It’s actually been a wonderful couple days spent with R. We drove
around town shopping for nothing in particular. Everything from
books to cars. The next day, we somehow ended up buying
food from the Wal Mart in Okatoks….

Anyway, I’ve been to busy with life to think. Lets just say…I am pretty darn wonderful right now.

Trying to erase the word pessimism from my vocabulary.

SO!

Nothing new and exciting to report. However, I did go to the
Calgary drop-in centre today. What a scary, sketchy place.
I absolutely advise everyone to NEVER be homeless. We were there
as part of our psychiatric nursing practicum. You can certainly
see the mental issues these folks have in vivid technicolour.

It is a five story building, the roughest floor being one, and the
nicest being the fifth floor. The first floor is literally a
drunk tank. At 9:00 pm they open the doors to drunk and high
peoples. They herd them into a large room, close the doors…and
watch the sparks fly. Violence and craziness abound!
Apparently it’s the most stressful and dangerous place in the centre.

On the second floor is a common area with a giant kitchen that feeds
1000 people per meal. There were people yelling to something
invisible, people fighting, people throwing up, and people shouting
profanities.

On the third floor, row upon row upon row of mattresses. This is
where people go if they aren’t to violent or high or drunk. Going
up from there, the floors get nicer, and become more
transitional….with the purpose of getting people back into the
“contributing member of society” mode.

Anyway, I expected it to be a lot nicer than what I imagined. I
expected the people to be calmer than I imagined. I expected that
my imagination all these years had run away with me and that it wasn’t
as bad as I thought….

It was much worse….

A definite horror…

I credit Their Eyes Were Watching God
by Zora Neale Hurston for solidifying my love of literature. It
sits on my shelf, like a trophy, and is pulled down every few years for
another read. I remember reading it clearly for the first
time. My English professor at the time wanted to introduce us to
feminist literature. So, we spent the semester reading books
written by women, and about women.

This particular novel was odd because it was written in southern black
dialect. By the end of the book, I loved the way the words rolled
of my tongue, flowing from my mouth, making me feel as though I were
there. I immersed myself in a culture I knew nothing about. But by the end of the book, I felt I carried a piece
of that culture in my soul.

I also took away just a little piece of every women’s soul. I’m
sure that professor…whatever her name was…would be proud.

Tonight, I watched the movie version starring Halle Barre. I will
just say, the movie did the book justice…but read the book…it’s
more fun to read aloud the words.

I finished reading Volkwagen Blues.
I still haven’t figured out what I think of it. It’s what I call
an “Onion book.” Upon first read it’s just the sweet adventure of
a man and a women. They drive from Quebec City to San
Fransisco. But, I think I need to dive into the book a couple
more times at least. Peel of the surface layers, and discover
what’s underneath. I love “Onion Books.”

As for life, It’s been busy. Friday night, I went to R’s
house. He fed me Chinese food and tea. His hugs were like
therapy. I couldn’t sleep that night though (no..not for the
reason’s you’re thinking), so while he snored gently in the background,
I stayed up reading. I only got one hour of sleep, so I called in
sick.

We spent the day driving to Bragg creak and Cochrane…me in the passenger’s seat…half asleep and dreamy.

That night was ritual…short, sweet, powerful as always.

Today I worked at the psych unit. Nothing new to report…no
interesting stories to tell. All the weirdness is becoming “same
old…same old”

I hate when I wake up with a pounding headache.Although, I always know what my head is asking for. Coffee!

So, here I sit gulping (not sipping) Arabia Mocha Java Starbucks
coffee from my favorite mug that has a picture of Boston on it. I
love it because I was actually in Boston when I bought it.

I still miss Boston, and think about it almost every single day.
It’s amazing how one city can grab a hold of your heartstrings and
never really let you go. I still have dreams of living
there. Something that is actually possible once I graduate
because nurses can work anywhere in the world…no worries about
immigration etc.

Boston just has this unique atmosphere to it. A place that can’t
decide if it’s rugged or sophisticated. You walk down the street,
and you don’t know whether you should read some literature, or eat a
hot dog and watch baseball. Both are equally intoxicating
there. Academia and Baseball….both so much like religion to
those folks. So much passion.

I’m reading a new book called “Volkswagen Blues” by Jaques
Poulin. An odd book so far, and I really don’t know where it’s
going. It has a dreamy quality to its writing. If you’ve
ever seen the movie “Lost in Translation” with it’s odd, slow moving,
dreamy atmosphere….well, that’s what I feel when I read this
book. The characters themselves have so much mystery to
them. You’re only given enough information about them
so that you can follow the story. I’m interested in seeing where
this book goes.

Some may notice that I’m reading a very specific selection of books. I love to read as many of the books from Canada Reads
as possible. For one thing, it is important to me to support
Canadian authors, and for another, I trust the selection
immensely. Selections range from classics to cutting edge…new
and old.

In other news…

I’ve decided that belly buttons are my favorite body part. I love
the way they look and feel. I love to poke my finger into them,
squeeze them, tickle them, and especially to slap them gently with my
hand to make interesting percussive sounds. There’s also such a
vulnerable aspect to them. Even the most rugged and tough
man/women has a belly button…proof that they were once delicate, and
dependant on their mother.

Well, it’s back to work today after almost two weeks vacation.
Not much of a vacation. I had numerous papers to write, and tests
to study for.

Ugh…back to that horrible women we call boss.

Although, I’m the first to admit that if she wasn’t my boss, I’d probably love her to death. She could be so much fun.

Ok…back to my coffee and book.

“Everyone has their own way of coping….” He says.

“I walk in circles and chirp like a chickadee,” I tease. Laughing at the absurdity.

But I love the way that sounds in my mouth. Chirp like a
chickadee. It flows. I need to find some way to use
it. Perhaps wrap a poem around it. And hell, Chickadees are
one of my favorite birds with their incredibly song, “Chickadee dee dee
dee”

It reminds me of that nature magazine I read as a child. It was
meant for little kids around five years old or so. When you aged
a little bit, you read a magazine entitled “Owl.” Same thing, but
more mature content. Kind of like scouts in magazine form.
There was even a television show named “Owl TV.”

Anyway, just doing some rambling on for no particular reason.

This feels freeing. My friends aren’t reading this. I don’t
feel like people are judging my writing style, or life, or
thoughts. I can write whatever I want, and have nobody to answer
to.

Brilliant

He’s holding that ball in his court. He taunts me by pretending
he’s about to throw it back to me. He makes the entire motion,
but just at the moment he should release the ball…..he tightens his
grip.

…and you can see the small grin on his face, and the twinkle in his eye.

He knows I want the ball. No…actually….I want him to put the
ball down. Afterall, both the games of love and tennis are
exhuasting. There must be a time to just call it a beautiful tie.

Put down the ball!

I wote a midterm in psychiatric nursing today. Much more
difficult than it was supposed to be. It was “multiple multiple
choice” as my instructor described it. Vague…that’s the word I
prefer. Subjective perhaps. Open to interpretation?

Afternoon was spent reading the end of Oryx and Crake. Orwell,
move over…I may have a new favorite speculative fiction author.
I just might.

I feel lonely though without my book to turn to. It was keeping
me company between the hours of 11pm and whenever I fell asleep.
I should be reading text books anyway.

I have a ritual on Saturday. I’m drawing down Dionysius.
I’m dreading it, but that’s what I signed up for when I decided to be a
leader in our grove. It is one of my duties…but only for four
months of the year. The problem is that I just don’t have time to
prepare…

Not that Dionysius would ever appreciate preparation….

Well…from chaos to pure logic…I need to go study nursing research for an exam tomorrow.

I want to mention the man I’m dating (Yes…I’m a homo-flaming-gay-o-sexual).

He is a big bear of a man. 6′1″ 275#…typical aries…

Sweet, caring, protective, cuddly, mostly humorous. And I’m
completely falling for him. Mostly, I think, because his laundry
smells so wonderful. I call him snuggly bear because he smells
like fabric softener.

We love to cuddle while we watch tv. We like to eat food that he force feeds me like an Italian mother.

He’s older…40 years old to my 26…but I don’t let that stop
me. In fact, I tend to like the big brother feel I get when I’m
around him. Really, that big brother energy is what I find most
attractive in a man.

He says things like, “I don’t want to hurt you” and “I still don’t know
where this is going, so don’t get your hopes up.”And when he
does, it rips through my soul, mingling with the current scar
tissue. This is when I know I’m in emotional trouble.

But hey…it’s been two weeks….longest relationship so far….that’s something to be happy about.

Anyway, I need to find a glass of water…and try and convince myself it’s half full.

I am starting this page because I wish to be anonymous.

I have
another blog out there on the WWW, but I have found my frequency of
posting slowing down considerably. For awhile, I thought perhaps my
life just wasn’t as depressing as it was needed to write long, soulful
posts. However, I have a new theory. I think, because all my friends
now have access to my blog, I am no longer able to be completely honest
with myself.

I censor myself. I write on the surface. I am
afraid of hurting someone by what I say. So, I need to dive back into
anonymity. This is where I started from years ago when I started, and
from which, I made beautiful, revealing, powerful posts. I hope to
discover this once more.

I will start with two current
obsessions. The first obsession is with the new Tori Amos CD “The
Beekeeper. What an incredibly beautiful CD. It hasn’t received the best
of critical review. But fuck the reviewers! Absolute beauty and power
in her words and sounds. And I listen to her as I speak.

My
second obsession is the latest Margaret Atwood book, “Oryx and Crake.”
An Orwellian masterpiece!!! I’m about three quarters of the way
through, and I’m intrigued by the quiet way the book unfolds itself,
revealing pockets of information. Read it!!!

I wonder how long it will take for my friends to find me….and interesting game I am playing…