It’s incredibly pitch black in here….

And I’m the only one in the house. That’s rare. Generally, I have an irrational fear of ghosts which necessitates turning on every light in the house. But darkness is my friend today. I have so much anxiety built up in myself that I can’t sleep…and I think “Why am I doing this again?”

I go through the list of men I’ve fallen for:

The asshole that just wanted sex
The drug dealer/addict that just wanted to be friends
The man that vanished over night
The man I took care of that was more interested in another
The man that took care of me…as a friend
The man I couldn’t be with
The man that was perfect but didn’t want a relationship
The man that was even more perfect but doesn’t want a relationship.

The last on the list is what I’m dealing with now. I’m smitten with someone and it has happened faster than ever. I can’t even blink my eyes without seeing his face. What happened to getting better at this as I grew older? What happened to learning to take things slow? What happened to finally getting over this school girl CRAP!

OK, I’ve dug myself a hole and I feel dark…Sarah Mclauchlan dark. I’ve fallen for a man and I can’t have him.

AAAAAAAAAAYH!

So, I sit in the dark and wonder why all these perfect men are attracted to me physically/mentally, but have no interest in a relationship.

I think I scare them off. Perhaps I’m too forward. Maybe I say the wrong things. Was that movie “How to lose a guy in ten days” about me?

*breath*

I’m seriously worked up, and panicked….my blood pressure is through the roof. I can’t handle more heart break. It’s like I’ve spent my entire life with a hangover, but I’ve never had the fun part that happens the night before. My heart keeps getting broken, but it never gets to feel happy. And I’m panicked because it’s happening again….

Some would say I do it on purpose for various psychological reasons….afraid of commitment *laugh.* I doubt it. Thrill of the chase? Perhaps.

All I know, is that there’s a 1% chance this may happen…and it’s a very fragile 1%, and I need to start backing off a bit before I scare him away. But I’ve gotten myself panicked that I’ve scared him away….ARG!

I can’t even write rationally….I’m just babbling

Here’s the deal…I just need to convince myself that I will be happy whatever happens….that I shouldn’t sweat the small stuff.

that I should learn to be happy single

that love will come…

Sometimes…a thought from nowhere crosses my mind….

it says “wait until you see the man we have for you…just be patient….you’re not ready yet”

ok…I really need to sleep.

Perhaps, if I’m rational tomorrow, I’ll tell the story about what has happened…so this all makes more sense.