Nurse Sean (dot) com

Life keeps trucking along…

Nothing new to report…but I wanted to reply to some comments I’ve had regarding the last post I made. Some people thought that V. was being a jerk/mean/insensitive/clueless….etc. But, it’s important for me to make sure you all know that he was being none of the above.

Some people thought he was mean for forcing me to spend a weekend, watching him and his boyfriend be happy. Some people thought he was oblivious to how I was feeling.

I want to say the following: In no way do either of us NOT know were we stood. We are very honest with each other and our feelings. Vince knew that spending the weekend with them was going to be very difficult and awkward for both of us. He respected those feelings. In fact, several times during the weekend, he asked me how I was doing with the whole situation.

You see, V. and I fell in love (I like to think), and we both recognized that. But in no way was he going to break off his commitment to his partner. So, we decided that we were going to try to be friends. As his friend, and in an attempt to make a fresh start, he asked if I would come out, and meet his partner, and try to solidify the new “friend” role that we created for each other.

He knew this was going to be hard and was worried that I wasn’t going to even show up. However, I knew that this was important to him, and when something’s important to your best friend, you do it…even if it’s hard.

Nobody twisted my arm, forced me to go, or lacked recognition for what I was feeling. It was hard, not just for me, but for me, V. and his partner…as all of us were involved in the situation. As I stated, it was hard, but I had a great time, and really enjoyed my time with V. and I became good friends with his partner.

I’m just worried that everyone was thinking that I was secretly pining away on the sidelines, while V. was flaunting his relationship to me….it wasn’t about that at all. He is too sweet and respects me too much to do that! Plus, if I felt that was the case, I’m an adult, and I would have simply not gone.

I think it needs to be realized that, while V. and I are still very close, what happened, happened two months ago, and it’s settled, done, and finished now. I still have feelings for him and those will never go away, but I’ve moved on with my life.

*phew* I know y’all weren’t purposely trying to put him down…just a matter of looking out for me. That’s why I wanted to clarify that in this situation, there’s nothing to be protected from. I hope that makes sense…and I hope you all have a better picture of the situation.

And you know…when the weekend was over, V. thanked me very sincerely for coming…

Trust me…he’s an amazing person.

Well, once again, it’s been ages since I’ve written an entry. If I just wrote more often, I could stop writing about how little I write. But it truly feels like my life, emotions, etc. are beyond words. I guess that makes me sounds like my life is oh so dramatic…but lately I guess it has been.

That’s not true, things have really settled down. Me and V. decided to go our separate ways, but it lasted only a few hours (hours that felt like an eternity). A month and a half later, things are back to calm, and to tell you the truth, I hate it. Him and his husband are thoroughly back in love with each other; swooning over each other like brand new lovers. And, everyday, it seems as though V. and I grow farther and farther apart (at least in a romantic way). .

I spent the weekend with him and his husband–BIG Elephant in that room–camping out at the gay rodeo. It was important for V. that I meet his husband and that we become great friends. In all honestly, his husband is, bar none, one of the sweetest men I’ve met in my life. Life would be so much easier if he were the world’s largest asshole…but alas…he’s the perfect man.

Worse, was that there felt like there were walls, barriers, and emotional blockades between V. and I. For two people that collided two months ago in what could only be described as a cosmic event, we truly seemed distant.

And Lord it was hard watching them be so happy together…..

And time marches on…and I’m back to square one…searching the internet, bars, time, and the universe, for the love of my life.

And one burning question flashes through my mind every day. Why is it that every time I see, think, talk, and dream of G., I feel like us getting back together is imminent. 99% of myself laughs at these thoughts–dismisses them instantly. But that extra 1% is so strong.

Oddly enough, even with all that has happening with V., my feelings for G. have never lessened. I need an emotional switch–something to turn it off. I want to be able to look back and fondly remember my feelings for G., but have no desire to revisit them, instead of marinating in them all day long….

All these emotions, losses, and the increasing stress of work has put me in a depression like I’ve never felt before. To the point that I’ve considered visiting the doctor for happy pills. I sleep ten hours a day, and I’m still exhausted…I have troubles finding the energy/emotions to get out of bed…I can’t stand the thought of socializing (even though, when I force myself to, I have a great time). The whole world seems numb. My body is creating that instinctual numbness to protect me from my own feelings.

I’m still waiting for my pendulum to swing the other way.