Nurse Sean (dot) com

Has anyone else noticed that as time goes by, my journal entries become more and more superficial…

I think it’s a general reflection of how my life has been going. I went from someone who just wondered through life, reflecting on everything I was seeing…to someone with goals, ambitions, and plans. Apparently, I don’t seem to be able to be both of these people at the same time.

It was a strange transition. I remember telling my mother, “I don’t want to be someone who has every detail of his life planned out until my death. I don’t want to know what I’ll be doing at 30…at 60. I want even tomorrow to be a mystery!” She just laughed uncomfortably…worried.

Now, I’m at the exact opposite of that spectrum. I know exactly where I want to be at all moments of my life. Down to the very detail. ACK! At least my mother seems happier these days…

oh well…I suppose I have to allow myself to change as much as I allow my life to change.

It’s just that this time of the years sparks the creative, poetic, introspective side of me…but for some reason, the thoughts don’t seem to flow as much as they used to. I look at the fog, and I see fog. I used to see a black and white photograph, a symphony, a memory. Now…it’s just neat.

It’s hard to think metaphorically when the only thing you do all day is either stick your nose in books describing diseases and drugs and anatomy, or sit on the telephone taking complaints from horribly nast people.

No complaints though from me though…honestly! In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever felt more comfortable in my own skin. Except for the fact that I can’t stop gaining weight. UGH! But…I jog when I can, and try to eat relatively healthy. What else can I do?

I think the next three years will feel like a long period of transition…between who I was, and who I want to become. I think it will be interesting to see if my goals, plans, and ambitions change at all during that time.

Let’s be honest…I feel TOO comfortable right now…something has to give sooner or later. Comfortable just isn’t in my blood.

Anyways…I’ve been on hold with internet technical support for almost half an hour. I have to call and “fight a battle” with them over how they treated a customer. I’m sure they’ll answer soon…so I should get going. YAY ! I get to work through my break.

*sigh*

So, I’m hanging out at work, “working my ass off”

I’m so exhausted that I’m having troubles giving work my fullest effort. School is so time consuming and energy consuming that by the time I get to work, it feels nearly impossible just to log into my computer. Although…work is starting to become second nature…you know…where you can walk in, sit down, do your job with barely a second thought. It’s perfect for a student. My brain is so full of drug names, and body parts that there’s no room to perform critical thinking at work.

In fact, I was starting to really enjoy work. Particularly the people that I work with. We work in teams…Groups of 10-15 people that are in the same area and help each other out. When you spend that much time with people you really start getting close to them.

So, of course, today I was informed that I had been “traded” to another team. They hired a new manager and had to draft people from different teams for her. So, off I go to try and fit in with new people. Plus, I’ll have a whole new manager (honestly…the new manager thing is a bonus). I’ll just miss the routine I had gotten used to…plus, I’m used to the “rhythm” of how things work on this team. But I’ve never been one to back down from change. It’s certainly annoying, and sometimes sad…but never scary!

As for school. What can I say? All I do is work my ass off! There’s just so much to learn…and sometimes I feel I’ll never be able to cram it in. however, I do…and I get good marks. I feel very impressed with myself lately…Even though my GPA is a little lower than last year. That’s to be expected though…nursing is 1000x harder.

I went for the greatest walk today. I found a place in the park near my house with the most incredibly eerie group of trees. I can’t believe I had never seen them before! I’m going to go again and take pictures; however, it won’t be the same I’m sure…not without the amazing fog we had today. It was very atmospheric. Definitely a place I’m excited to visit again.

Well…as you can see…nothing too exciting. Another busy week coming up. I have to write a spell assignment (fortunately it’s almost completely planned out in my head), write the body for the samhain ritual…and try and catch up on readings for school. Oh! And don’t forget work…

At least the weather is to my liking! I LOVE FALL!

So…I’m on a cleaning strike. Jason’s barely done anything for the past month, so after I cleaned the toilet and did the dishes…I declared myself done! Funny…because I was planning to clean up the house because Dean is arriving today (A friend of ours that Jason invited to stay with us) and I wanted the place to be clean. But I realized that I’ve been doing ALL the cleaning for the last few weeks (including two weeks ago when Dean stayed with us for the first time) I should go on strike!

When I got home from work, the two full garbage bags were still there…the house smelled like cat piss, there was puke on the kitchen floor. I’m so embarassed…*sigh*…I just don’t think he sees it as dirty. This is even worse than last time when he was supposed to clean, but decided to search the internet for men to fuck…and fucked them all day long.

One day…I will get out of here…

It’s not that I’m overly clean. But I’m trying as hard as I can considering my time limitations. I need him to do his share, or the house just goes to shit!

Anyways…

Yesterday, I had to do a health assessment on a senior. I get to her house, sit down…and she informs me that she used to teach nursing at the U of C!!! I was nervous already, but that made me PEE my pants. I got over it pretty quick. It was odd though…here was a complete stranger, telling me every intimate detail of every medical problem she had. That’s going to take time to get used to.

I’m looking forward to Saturday! Foothills ER, here I come!!! I’m SO excited, but also intimidated by the thought of working there for a day. I’m imagining a scene from er the tv show….one of the ones where it’s the doctor’s first day out of med schoo…and everything that can go wrong, does go wrong.

I watch too much tv.

Well, I think I’ve run out of stuff to say…so I’m out of here!

A fallen leaf and dozens more
show my path between the trees.
And although moonlight shines upon me,
clouds creep through and over and under.

Halfway there I turn and run,
the darkness just too thick and thorny.
Out of breath and in the light,
I sigh in anger…failed again.

Hello everyone!!! I’m back! Which is nothing special, because I really didn’t go anywhere. I’ve been around, and thriving, but I haven’t been spewing out endless livejournals.

It’s been a fairly boring couple of months. All I’ve been doing is massive amounts of studying. This whole university is starting to get so old…I’m really ready to graduate! I really just want to be in the real world. I’ve been in the real world before, just not with a career, goals and plans.

Otherwise, school is going gosh darn good! I passed my vital signs with flying colours, so if you want your blood pressure taken, you know who to ask! I also wrote my anatomy midterm, but I’m not so sure how well I did on that. It was definitely a doozy! I’m looking forward to the health assessment interview I do on Tuesday, and the shift I’m working at the Foothills emergency room on Saturday! I can’t believe how fast this is all happening! And I can’t believe how fast I’m learning everything…even though it all seems like a blur and nothing is sticking.

As for work…well…work is work. Quite stressful actually. If you think it’s tough being a telus customer…you should try being an employee. Let me tell you, it’s a thousand times more frustrating. However, it’s rare that people sympathize with me. In fact I’ve stopped telling people where I work. I’m tired of getting rant after rant after rant. It’s ok if your my friend and we’re discussing work…but when you’re a complete stranger…holy crap! Save it for someone else! Jesus Christ! We aren’t GODS! we have limitations! And somehow we manage to work within them. I better stop before I go on for hours about telus/customer relations. It’s a sore spot. I just wish telus would just smooth out the wrinkles…and that customers would give us a break occassionally.

Oh! And don’t worry, I really don’t mind the rants THAT much. In fact, some have been quite amusing…and they’re usually from different departments than mine. I’ve even been able to fix people’s problems for them. They rant and rant and finally I say “give me your freakin’ phone numer already! It’ll be done tomorrow!” Then I feel powerful:)

Things with Paul are odd. I really started to back away from him. I was truly having difficulies and confusion in my feelings towards him. I started feeling as though I needed to just call him up and call the whole thing off. I felt as though I was in a cage. That he was somehow holding me back from life. It really climaxed when I hinted that I would love to see him again around Christmas, and he hinted that he didn’t want to see me again until summer.

It was hard…here I was, desperate to do anything I could to see him again. Willing to spend MASSIVE amounts of money to see him again ASAP and he just wants to arrange to meet in Boston again next summer…or maybe Toronto.

First of all, it rubbed my emotions the wrong way when I realized I would do anything to see him as soon as possible, and he seemed very non-chalant about it. Second of all…he hints quite frequently that he doesn’t want me to visit him at his home and stay with him. Something about that just makes me shy away. I wish I was the kind of person that could just say outloud “I want to visit you at home in December” and then hear his exact reaction…but I could never invite myself. Neither of us are very good at communicating I suppose, instead we just “hint” as I said.

UGH….just reading the paragraph above makes me more confuse about my feelings. Something about the situation seems so serious and truthful. Something else just makes it seem so silly and fake. For so long, it just seemed as though things were “clicking along” and “falling into place”, but now it just seems so clumsy.

I’ve spent a LOT of time in deep thought about this. I realized that things feel different, because things ARE different. We met and fell madly in love. However, we also had to separate. And once separated, our rythym was disrupted. Simply typing our thoughts on the screen, and talking about our day on the phone wasn’t enough suddenly. We created a certain amount of closeness between us and now it was gone….and my fingers couldn’t grasp onto it anymore.

I expected that as soon as I got home, we would start making plans to see each other, and that they would be for the near future. However, when he didn’t really seem interested in that…it threw me for a loop and left me confused. I feel trapped because I’m putting my “love life” on hold for him, but there’s no definitely timeline…no expectations…nothing to look forward too. *Sigh* I’m still confused. And like I say, it caused me to back off a little to examine the situation. And that’s where I’m at right now.

Well, I need to go. Paul just came online and we chould really chat. I really have been ignoring him too much lately. And although I’m confused…something I realized is that I seriously care about him.

*sigh*