Nurse Sean (dot) com

I’m not good at leaving. I never have been. I’m not joking when I say that I nearly cried when I changed cell phone companies. They said, “You’ve been such a good, loyal customer for so long…what could we have possibly done to make you leave”. I got all choked up…

I never had problems with this when I was younger. I left all my friends behind because I wanted to go to French immersion junior high school. Then I left all those friends behind because I didn’t want to go to French immersion high school. I couldn’t have cared less…

I think the first time I ever left something behind that really cut deeply into my emotions was when I quit my job at Boston Pizza. I know it sounds silly, but I had been working there for five years…since I was sixteen. The only people I knew were at Boston Pizza. I had no friends, or activities outside the realm of Boston Pizza. I loved every minute of it!!! However, I knew there was a world out there that I was missing, and that somehow, Boston Pizza was holding me back. So, one night…I quit. Just like that, I destroyed my life. I didn’t stop there though. I quit school, and moved back in with my parents. I was erasing my slate…making it blank.

However, there’s a a strange oddity in this story. To this day, and this is NOT an exaggeration, I would estimate that I dream about Boston Pizza in one form or another about once every night. Just last night I had a dream that all the staff were sitting at a table in the restaurant, sharing stories from our lives. Usually, the dream is of me working at Boston Pizza again…with the feeling of being “exactly where I’m supposed to be”. There’s almost an underlying theme of “going out in the world, and then finally coming home again.” I’ve examined these dreams in every type of detail you could imagine, but every day I wake up and the message seems a little bit different.

I finally came to the conclusion that somehow my subconscious frequently tries to give me messages, and for some reason, It uses My old job serving tables as a canvass…and then writes the message as a story with many metaphors to unravel. Lately, the emotion I wake up with is that I made a mistake…That back when I decided to quit Boston Pizza, I made a mistake. Something is telling me that I missed something that was supposed to happen to me while working there…something vital…but I up and left before it could happen.

Ok…enough of my own personal weirdness…

Today was my last day at Starbucks. Half of me said “good FUCKING bye!” but the other half of me was seeing the end of an era. I literally helped build that place…and made it was it was…it lived and breathed my personality. I literally put endless amounts of blood sweat and tears into that place. So, while it was an endless source of emotional/mental/physical/spiritual torture…it was difficult to say goodbye.

I have never dreamed about Starbucks though…not once!!! Sometimes I wonder why Boston Pizza, a simple waitering job, has breached my subconscious so permanently. I’m up in that part of the city though right now, house sitting for my parents. I think I’ll have to make a trip to my old Boston Pizza for lunch.

Interestingly enough…the actual Boston Pizza I worked at doesn’t exist…they built a new location….oh wait…I’m not sure why that’s interesting. I guess it is just that my dreams take place there, and are filled with so much emotion, but the place doesn’t exist anymore.

Maybe I’ll haunt it when I die!!! WOO HOO!

Anyways…that’s enough babbling! I’m off to bed.

okay

okay

So, its been forever since the last time I wrote. I don’t have a good reason, I simply just didn’t feel like it!

Nothing has really changed at all since my last entry. I’m still going to Boston on August 2nd, I still have a hopeless school girl crush on Paul, and I’m still working at both Telus and Starbucks. The only difference is that I’m done my Telus training and have spent a full month on the floor making/taking customer service calls. I made about $1000 in comission, and I’m on track to make about twice that much for July. It feels nice not to have to worry about money for a change. Although, I’m still catching up from my HUGE period of being broke….so the money isn’t flowing all that freely. I’m much more comfortable though.

I do have one issue in my life right now. IF you’ve ever seen the musical “Cabaret” you might understand my dilema. Near the end of the second act, Sally Bowles discovers that she is pregnant and that her life of booze, drugs, and partying is about to end. That’s when she sings the theme song “Cabaret” with lines like “What use is sitting alone in a room, come here the music play, life is a cabaret old chum, life is a cabaret.” and “start by admiting from cradle till tomb, ain’t very long a stay, life is a cabaret…..” Basically, the song is about her deciding whether or not she wants to keep the baby, marry the father, move to America, and settle into a normal house wife life…..or if she would rather abort the baby and resume her fun, wild, crazy life that she’s come to love.

Here’s the thing. I don’t know what Paul thinks, but I feel very serious about “us”. Almost to the point that if we hit it off when we meet, I can see this leading to a settled down life…one in which I work, then come home to him and eventually spend my entire life falling in love with him more every day.

There’s the other side to me though. I’ve always had plans for my life that certainly don’t involve settling down. When I graduated, I wanted to live in big cities all over the world…a new one every couple of years. New York, Chicago, Sydney, Hong Kong, Moscow, Paris. I want to roam the globe, meeting new people, learning new languages and customs. I wanted to be the person with a million stories about all the wonderful places I’ve been…..

But everyday I feel that dream slipping away. And now, it seems, I would do anything to grasp onto that dream and pull it back. But at the same time…I have another dream…to settle down forever with the one I love…

you know….

the old cliche…

we’d grow old together!

I suppose I will just let fate take over and let me know exactly what I’m supposed to do. However, from what fate has already told me…I know exactly what I’m supposed to do!