Nurse Sean (dot) com

Once again it has been forever since my last post. It seems as though I’m running out of things to say; however, I realize that I have too much to say. I have no idea how I could possibly organize every thought that seems to go through my head. So, instead, I’ ve put on a minty face-mask, grabbed a coca-cola classic, turned on my A-HA CD, pulled up a chair and no I’ll just start writing whatever feels as though it needs to be written.

Firstly, I must celebrate the wonder that is me! I submitted a rough draft of my Sociology paper to my professor on Friday. She had offered to edit rough drafts if we had them done early enough. This offer is rare, so I took advantage of it. When I went to her in order to clarify one of her comments, she praised my paper as “the best she has seen so far”, my topic was related to the issue of men in nursing, and she said, “I could tell you had a real passion for the subject matter”. If that wasn’t enough, she went on to say “I’d like to keep a copy so that I can shop people the ‘right’ way to write a paper”.

I gave her the strangest confused look. I explained that I never did good on papers. I mentioned that “I had worked harder than ever on this paper and that it was very rewarding to hear that from her”. Of course, this praise was from my “Nazi-professor”. I had her for two classes last semester, and no matter how much effort I put into her class, I just could NOT get a good mark. She is now my favorite prof! I’m so easily won over…all it takes is simple praise!

Okay, so I suppose everybody want to know about “internet guy”. Okay, I don’t really care if you want to know or not, I’m going to talk about him. Basically, we chat on the internet for hours on end every day. It’s to the point where talking to him for a couple hours a day has become part of my life. Unfortunately, he works at a newspaper, so with the war going on, he has no time to talk. I actually feel a void, and a lonliness when he’s not around as much. I really do look forward to our chats. He’s mentally stimulating for me…and I must admit that is one of my biggest turn-ons.

He’s much older than me, but honestly I don’t have a problem with that. I know other people do, so I hate talking about that aspect…almost as though I’m ashamed. I don’t worry about it though because I’ve always gotten along much better with older men…and women for that matter.

I think it comes from being so much younger than everyone in my family. I never had anyone near my age in my family, so as a result I never really learned how to socialize with people my own age. Plus I was, for the most part, completely anti-social during junior high and high school. I’ve only in the last three or four years started coming out of my shell. All my friends–and you know who you are–tend to act a heck of a lot older than their age would normally dictate. I think that is how I’m able to get along with them so well.

I’m off track though. My torrid afair with my newspaper guy goes on. Typing that made me giggle. I mean honestly, it’s not exactly a relationship we have going here. Just an internet friendship. However, I’d be lying if I didn’t say I had a big crush on him. Something about him simply “does it” for me. Plus, I can’t have him…that usually is a requirement for me to have a crush on someone.

So, as for the “big picture” when it comes to school. I’ve applied for nursing at Mount Royal, as well as nursing at University of Calgary, and I’ve received special permission to transfer into the Sociology faculty late if I don’t get into nursing at either school. It’s a long story, but it looked as though if I didn’t get into nursing, I was going to have to drop-out of school for a year before resuming with my sociology degree. I just wish I was in the faculty and I could stop worrying! It will certainly be an amazing moment when I receive the later saying “you’ve made it!”. I can honestly say that I’ve never put as much effort into anything in my life. I suppose it will be like finally winning the gold medal at the olympics.

Little Tommy the hamster is great! We hang out every day when I’m not too busy studying! If I don’t have time to play with him, he simply sleeps, or wonders around his cage trying to escape. I’m truly glad I got Little Tommy (aka sweety). So far he has given me infinite joy.

Thy dionysius party was a blast! Iearned that everybody on this planet is a better sleeper than I am! I did get a couple hous of sleep though, as well as six or seven more when I got home. I was the first voted of of Big Brother and I wasn’t impressed! I’m a good loser….except when it comes to reality tv game…I’m going to be pouting about that for awhile. I also got to try drunken archery. I think that’s an Irish game, but I’m not sure. BTW…I never did find my missing spinich dip! It simply vanished in the middle of the night. I also left my half eaten chocolate bunny there…I could use some chocolate right now. Anyways, I had a great time and I hope we do it again next year!

Okay…my “inner self” has run out of things it wants to say, so I’ll stop there. Now I just have to decide whether or not I want to do a spell/grammer check……NAH!

The pendulum is swinging; I can feel it in the air! I experienced a small period of depression. Symptoms included exhaustion brought on by too many thoughts in my head for sleeping, lack of desire to get out of bed…and cd after cd of Sarah McLauchlan. These are always my coping strategies: stay-in-bed, think, and of course…Sarah.

I can actually trace the moment I entered my mini-depression back to a few days ago when a women approached me at work. She recognized me from when we were kids. We both went to a babysitter with a bunch of children for lunch and after school because are parents all worked full time.

She told me that my friend Tommy had died from a brain tumor. He wasn’t exactly a friend. He was about five years younger than me and was my little buddy, or even brother. I remember changing his diapers, and protecting him from bullies. He was just adorably cute, and he loved me to death. I certainly felt the same way.

Now I was being told that my little Tommy, who I haven’t seen in twelve years, was dead. It hit me hard, and I really couldn’t figure out why it hit me so hard. Not that it shouldn’t “hit me”, but I’ve experienced tragedies such as this before and they never affected me in such a deep way.

I do believe that I was barely hanging onto balance in my life. I was teetering on the edge of happiness and depression. Nothing seemed to be going right and one more thing could drive me over the edge. This must have been that one thing.

As depression tends to do, it got worse before it got better…hitting rock bottom when I wrote my last journal entry. Then came the staying in bed…thinking…and Sarah Sarah Sarah.

However, I felt the pendulum swing today at one simple though. I spontaneously decided it was time to get myself another hamster. In fact, I became instantaneously delirious at the thought! What should I name it?

Tommy of course!

It seemed to be a fitting tribute…in a strange, roundabout way; Acknowledging what Tommy meant to me by giving his name away to a pet that I can love and adore.

I’m almost back to being myself. I can put away the Sarah, and bring out the Broadway musicals again!

I haven’t been writing lately. Not because I have nothing to write about, but because I’m not sure what to say about everything. I do know that I am feeling week and powerless and that all it would take is a quick flick of somebody’s finger to knock me off the cliff…

I’m not depressed, I’m simply lacking any energy, passion, or desire in anything I do. I can’t seem to conjure the ability to enjoy anything in life. I’m walking from place to place, just doing what I am supposed to be doing.

I’m mad and angry at the world because school isn’t going well this semester. After the high of acing my classes last semester, I thought my career choice - nursing - was a given. Now I’m doing so horribly that I don’t know if I will come anywhere close to the marks I need. Again, I’m going through the actions of studying, but the energy, passion, and desire to do well is gone. Everything I do in life seems to be done under what feels like the fog of just waking up.

Not to mention a complete decent into irrationality. I don’t need to emphasize details, but I’m completely falling for someone who lives 3000kms aways. We’ve never met in real life, and most likely we never will. Plus, I doubt he is anywhere near as irrational as I am, so there is very little chance he feels the same way. Why am I so eager to fall for men I can never have.

Work is just as numb as everything else…I’m still broke, but squeeking by. Sometimes I’m able to stop myself from buying things I don’t need, sometimes I’m not able to. All I know is that I’m a lot better at this financial stuff than I used to be….roomate…pisses me off.

Sorry to sound so down. Its been a horrible day. I’ll be better in a couple days. This is just a quick note to let everyone know I’m still alive. The shortness of this letter is definitely not a reflection of the numerous things that have happened to me.

But I’m numb…

And I’m tired…

I’m going to bed…