Nurse Sean (dot) com

I haven’t written much lately, but I’m in a bad mood, so I need rant. First of all, I hate the stupid sun! I have no blinds in my room, so its shining directly on me right now, and I’m sweating from the heat and I can barely see my computer screen.

That wouldn’t be so bad, except I’m trapped in my room. Jason decided that his entire group for one of his classes (and I mean about twenty people) could come over here and watch movies for a project of his. This is all fine and good, except he didn’t really ask me, he just told me. Plus I had completely forgotten about it, so when I walked in the door of my appartment ready to give a sigh of relief and watch all the shows I taped last night while napping on the couch, I was greeted with twenty barely pubescent, loud, nineteen or so year olds. I’m a very shy person, so I ran to my room and I will literally be stuck here until they are gone. Who knows how many hours that will be. I’m just pissed off about it, even though there’s no really good reason to be pissed off about it.

So, confined to my room with the painful sun blaring down on me, making me sweat, I checked my mark from one of my midterms. The one where he gave us EXACTLY what was on the test, and I knew everything and I thought I got a good mark. Well, I did shitty!

On the plus side, I got 47 out of 50 on one exam today in one of my classes. Only five people did better than I did, and only three did as well as I did. However, if I get an A in one class, it certainly doesn’t give me the 3.3 GPA I need to get into nursing.

Speaking of needing 3.3GPA to get in! I’m starting to think that this is totally unreasonable. Especially when most of my classes are requiring 95% to get an A…or 85% to get the 3.3GPA. Perhaps I’m just a whiner, but it just seems way too high! I’ve known people who got higher GPAs than that all the time…how the hell did they ever manage?!?!?!?!

Okay, it doesn’t help when I had four midterms in six days. It makes it extremely hard to concentrate and learn a subject for a test, because in reality, you’re learning four subject all at one time. I think I could get an A in any of these courses if I just had one course, but when taking several courses it seems impossible.

Okay…I’m just stressed because it seems as though I put myself out on a huge line and the world is against me and I’m about to fall off some sort of cliff. And maybe…just maybe…I could get over this shitty feeling if I wasn’t trapped sitting in the hot sun that refuses to just GO AWAY!!!

How long till the shortest day?

Okay….thats two whiny, bad mood posts in a row. I promise not to post again until I have something nice to say.

I feel as though I’m a computer, and my user keeps opening large programs, one after another, trying to use them all at one time until finaly everything just grinds to a halt and freezes. I feel as though I’ve come to a point where there’s nothing I can do with my brain. When I talk to someone everything comes out in bits and pieces from here and there as though my brain, as I said above, is desperately trying to perfom too many functions. Instead of coherant thoughts, random tidbits of each probram gets thrown to the from.

As for whether more stuff can fit in my brain, I’m not quite sure. Right now its filled with Social Psychology and a few lyrics from that song that I’m trying to memorize…darnit…what was its name?

I have a list of everything I need to know for my midterm tomorrow. I can look down the list and as I get to each item I mentally double click on it and wait patiently for about ten seconds as my brain loads the information. I keep getting an error when I get to phrases like “retrospective-prospective sense of occurance”. No wait…my brain just found it, somewhere in the trash can, it certainly wasn’t supposed to be put there.

In case you’re wondering, I have gone completely insane. Maybe its like in the army where they “break you”. They yell and scream at you and make you do push ups…you cry and plead for your mommy…then one day your mental structure breaks down into a thousand fragments. Now, all thats left to do is to put them back together. the fun is that I get to put them together however I’d like.

We may have found a house to move into…yes a HOUSE! That makes me very excited. However, its expensive, so we need to get ourselves a third roomate. Otherwise, all I know is that is has a whasher/dryer (which makes me want to pee my pants with joy) and a garage (no more windo scraping). Its in Brentwood, walking distance from the university and c-train station. No more obscene parking fees at university…and I hope I can take the c-train to work. I’m not sure its running that early though. We’re going to go check it out tomorrow afternoon.

Here’s what else has been going on. I went to drumheller, my car broke down, my car got fixed, I got identical marks on two exams…one of which I thought I failed and one I thought I aced…both were 80% which is a B…which has me in panic mode because I need a B+ average to get into nursing, my key got stuck in the ignition of my car and we still haven’t been able to get it out, singing lessons was fun but I wish I was a perfect singer…I’m way to much of a perfectionist, They scheduled me for three shifts next week along with staff meetings and I get to do a four hour training session, I have another midterm on Wednesday, I can’t wait for CCOP on Saturday cause I’m sure it’ll get my mind off of school, I feel as though I will explode with pressure because I just don’t think I’m good enough to get a 3.25 GPA…its not for lack of effort…I spend every waking moment studying…as an extra added bonus I feel like I’m wasting all this time……

I really just want everything to stop….even for a few minutes….but I know it won’t. I also know that if it did, I would feel uncomfortable and desperately find a way to turn it back on. Its a lovely trait given to me by my mother.

we…always…must…be…spread…too…thin

Amongst the cloudy skies, cool air, and quickly dying leaves, something seems “off” today. Like the past is melting into the present and swirling around me; a dream-like liquid substance. I’m craving memories today whether they are bad or good, continually finding myself digging in old places I used to haunt, Spying on myself for proof of my own existence.

Mostly, I left several messages for ancient friends asking simply “How have you been?”. Surprise emails to let them know I’m still around and that every now and then I still think of them. I hope these people know I still think about them. I hope its okay that I still think about them

I always love getting little notes from people I never see anymore. Little proofs that you didn’t invent them. Sometimes it seems as though after not seeing someone for extended periods of time, they become pure memory. What I mean by this is that you stop remembering that you ever knew them as a physical being. You forget that they are real instead of something similar to your favorite character from a novel. All they have become is pure thought, nearly imagination, placed on a higher pedestal. That which you forget, gets replaced by creative insertions of fiction that fill in the gaping holes of reality.

There’s no rain, and that’s really what it is. The darkened fall clouds seem like living memories, rolling around the sky like thoughts in my head. A little bit dooming, but always gentle. When the rain comes, it is purifying. It is the cloudy memories dripping away back into the recesses of thought. It is the nourishment so that new memories may grow.

I’m so unbelievably tired these days. I’ve had barely any sleep, I haven’t had a moment of free time, and all I seem to do is study, study, study. I have never studied this hard before in school. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever put this much commitment into anything in my life.

The sad thing is that although I’m putting in more time than ever before, I still bombed a test on monday! It was a rough moment when I looked through the short answer questions worth fourty five out of ninety marks and I only new a couple answers. The amusing thing is not that I struggled for an hour trying to fill in the spaces with possible answers, but that after writing the test, I realized that I just threw in bits and pieces of every other class I’m taking right now. The sad thing is that I studied so hard that I’m positive I got one hundred percent on the multiple choice, and probably only a couple marks on the written portion. That means that I’ll get just over fifty percent.

At least I know exactly how much effort I’ll need to put into my next exam. In fact after writing that test in the morning, knowing I had a test in the afternoon from the same professor and the same format, I knew exactly what to study and I did absolutely amazing on my afternoon exam!

However, I decided that the effort I was putting in now still wasn’t enough and that its time to kick it up a notch. The problem is that I’ve spread myself thin with so many extra curricular activities, plus work, that this means even less sleep. So, I’m walking a fine line right now between enough sleep to survive and still function…and being to tired to even absorb the simplest concepts. The fortunate thing is that the extra curricular activities are keeping me sane. Yoga relaxes and energizes me, singing gives me a creative outlet for my tension, and work allows me to focus on something that I can do with my eyes closed and extremely well…even if its only for a few hours.

So, I’m slowly starting to look less and less healthy. However, this isn’t about health, its about pushing every limit I ever had so that I will no longer feel like a failure for dropping out of school. Thats only one thing! Its good to push limits and set the bar higher than you ever thought possible. Although I feel like shit honest to goodness, emotionaly I’m feeling better than ever because I feel more challenged than I ever have been in life.

To all you people out there that go through school getting A’s with barely any effort…I’m completely jealous of you. However, I think you missed the real lessons that school has to offer.

I’m so unbelievably tired these days. I’ve had barely any sleep, I haven’t had a moment of free time, and all I seem to do is study, study, study. I have never studied this hard before in school. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever put this much commitment into anything in my life.

The sad thing is that although I’m putting in more time than ever before, I still bombed a test on monday! It was a rough moment when I looked through the short answer questions worth fourty five out of ninety marks and I only new a couple answers. The amusing thing is not that I struggled for an hour trying to fill in the spaces with possible answers, but that after writing the test, I realized that I just threw in bits and pieces of every other class I’m taking right now. The sad thing is that I studied so hard that I’m positive I got one hundred percent on the multiple choice, and probably only a couple marks on the written portion. That means that I’ll get just over fifety percent.

At least I know exactly how much effort I’ll need to put into my next exam. In fact after writing that test in the morning, knowing I had a test in the afternoon from the same professor and the same format, I knew exactly what to study and I did absolutely amazing on my afternoon exam!

However, I decided that the effort I was putting in now still wasn’t enough and that its time to kick it up a notch. The problem is that I’ve spread myself thin with so many extra curricular activities, plus work, that this means even less sleep. So, I’m walking a fine line right now between enough sleep to survive and still function…and being to tired to even absorb the simplest concepts. The fortunate thing is that the extra curricular activities are keeping me sane. Yoga relaxes and energizes me, gives a creative outlet for my tension, and work allows me to focus on something that I can do with my eyes closed and extremely well…even if its only for a few hours.

So, I’m slowly starting to look less and less health. However, this isn’t about health, its about pushing every limit I ever had so that I will no longer feel like a failure for dropping out of school. Thats only one thing! Its good to push limits and set the bar higher than you ever thought possible. Although I feel like shit honest to goodness, emotionaly I’m feeling better than ever because I feel more challenged than I ever have been in life.

To all you people out there that go through school getting A’s with barely any effort…I’m completely jealous of you. However, I think you missed the real lessons that school has to offer.