Nurse Sean (dot) com

To all my
Michael Curry’s and
your darkened
wisps of smoky hair.
No smile or kindness
just power and peace,
bubble baths in
pheromone ponds.
No lilly pads
to rest myself.
Just sinking down
sticky mud
inside, engulfed
in dreams of
you

Its amazing the emotions that fate can deal you. One minute you’re fine and in control, and the next minute you’re full of confusing emotions. What I mean is that it doesn’t just rain…it pours. It isn’t enough to just deal with one thing at a time, but it always seems as though there’s at least ten stressful issues to take care of at any one time. I just chug along hoping that one day, after a million games of “two steps forward one step back”, I hope I’ll catch up.

No, I’m not depressed or in a bad situation, although I keep trying to convince myself that I am. I’m just having man troubles. Not even so much physical problems with men in my life so much as problems with myself that involve other men. Let me describe four men…homo-erotic sensitive people probably won’t want to read this.

The first is a man from Australia that I met on the internet a couple days ago. I described him in my last journal, but he continues to have a strange power over me. It sounds crazy, but after seeing just a few pictures, I have a “thing” for him. No, I’m not in love or even infatuated. More of a lust. I find him so attractive that all I want to do is fly to Australia and jump him and have my way with him. I’ll spare you the details, but to me he represents pure sexual attraction.

Then there’s this other guy I met about a week ago. I’m a little bit infatuated with him. His big and masculine, but kind of geeky. I love that in a guy…rough yet smart. He’s a computer guy with a wicked sense of humour and a laugh that makes me warm inside. I’m quite aware that he has absolutely no interest in me, he likes young skinny raver/skate boarder types, but that’s not important to my unconscious mind. I simply continue to be infatuated with him. To me, he represents a big brother type of guy.

Then there’s yet another man. He’s warm and sensitive with a philosopher’s mind. His jovial and peaceful with a caring smile. We’ve know each other for years, and I’ve always had a little crush on him. He’s never been single, and has never really been interested with me. Last night he kept telling me how proud he was of me for going back to school. He told me how good I look, not in a sexual way, but in a friend way. He gave me the best hug of my life…I melted into him. To me, he’s the daddy figure that we all need to get through life.

One more guy. I met him many months ago when he worked with me. I always thought he was attractive, but I didn’t really think he noticed me. Last night he came up to me and confessed to me that he’s had a crush on me for a long time. He was a little drunk and didn’t remember working with me, so I took his comments with a grain of salt. He kept telling me how beautiful my eyes were and how good looking I was. He kissed me over and over and over again. He told me he wanted to take me home. I let him know that “I don’t do that. I want someone to date, not fuck. If you’re really interested, you’ll call me tomorrow.” and then I gave him my number. He called me a couple hours later when I was sleeping. He let me know how good looking he thought I was, how much he liked me and wanted to date me. To me though, he doesn’t seem like anything at all.

In fact, if any of the first three guys wanted me, I would run yelling and screaming in joy towards them. At least I always thought I would. I’m starting to wonder if I have major issues when it comes to romantic relationships. I find myself only attracted to the men I can’t have. Its an obvious pattern that has repeated itself numerous times. I have yet to pursue one single man found me attractive in return. I just go through life wondering why the hell everybody else has someone in their lives but not me. One reason is shyness…another is fear. Truly though, I have no clue what I could be afraid of. I’ve always been a very “to myself” kind of person. Perhaps I’m simply afraid that all those walls would really have to come down.

As well, I look at the kind of man I want, and what I see is not just one of those guys mentioned above, but a rolled-up combination of all four. I want someone that sexually attracts me so much that I can’t keep my eyes off of them. He tells me jokes and teaches me things about life. He gives me hugs and tells me I’m worthwhile as a human being. He tells me how beautiful I am, and feels the need to remind me of this all the time.

Am I being so completely unrealistic here? Is it possible to wait around for eternity and never find this man? I think what really happens is that you’ll meet many perfect men in your life, and except for once or twice, they won’t give a shit about you…

Love exhaustion
Unrequited
Buzzy stillness
Caffeinated

Without me

Every now and then I receive what feels like a jolt of metaphorical electricity, or more probable, a burst of neurochemicals that makes me fully aware just how alive I am. This happened today quite suddenly as I was sitting at my desk with Phantom of the Opera’s “Music of the Night” playing lightly and the chat room buzzing; my school books surrounding me as I studied for my midterms. A window (the computer kind) popped open and a gentleman was asking for a chat. Who am I to turn someone down? I threw away my school books and said “hello”

I then did the mandatory profile check to see what he looked like. Well…stop my heart dead I do believe I fell in love on the spot. Or like I said earlier, probably just a massive rush of some hormone or another. The dose that makes you shiver, and feel light and dizzy. Yes, it felt like love at first sight.

I understand what love at first sight feels like. Its happened to me two or three things in my life, and never have I actually talked to the men I fell for at first sight. Its just this amazing feeling as though the entire world has stopped, completely, except for the two of you. Then you get the same response you get with fear (another dose of hormones); the fight or flight response. You feel the need to either run and make him love you or simply run away, because rejection would be to much. I remember one such man this happened to me was a regular customer at Starbucks. There was no way I could ever serve him, in fact, most of the time I had to go on my break. I was useless when he was around. The same way you can be so scared you can’t move.

Anyway, this man chatted with me a little bit, but the just left. No goodbye, no “I think you suck…gotta go”, he just left. I emailed him a little bit later, but I’m pretty sure I’ll never hear from him again. When I look at his picture though, I get a little ping in my stomach, and a sigh in my mouth. Is the pathetic or just the way nature works?

It doesn’t matter much to me though, because I know I’ll be alright. Always constantly there’s this little voice in the back of my head telling me “Don’t worry, we have BIG plans for you…they’re just so big that you’re not ready for them yet…neither is he…just be patient…patient…” I also know that if I must be single forever, and honestly, sometimes it feels that way, then thats okay. It just means my life was meant for other purposes. I know it sounds cliche and over the top, but this is how it feels to me.

Any situation a man sees as real, will in result have real consequences.

Well, its been a strange week so far. I’ve been excruciatingly busy and have not been able to sleep more than a very small amount of hours every night. This isn’t from insomnia anymore, but simply from time restrictions. I’m discovering that if I want any time at all just to sit back and relax with a book or the television, I need to take that time out of my sleep.

So, due to exhaustion, I’ve been wondering around the last couple days in a senile state. Mumbling grumpy expletives at everyone and everything under my breath. Forgetting who I am, where I am, and what I’m doing. Therefore, I really don’t know what I’ve been doing up until today except for the above. What I do know is that I worked a couple times and I’m pretty sure I was at yoga.

Well, I got to bed at around one o’clock in the morning last night. When I asked my body to be tortured yet again with exhaustion as the alarm clock blared at five in the morning, it just refused. Yes, its true, I slept through yoga. Which is strange, because I think its the yoga that’s been giving me the energy to not sleep as much as usual. I suppose there simply is a limit to what your body can handle.

I felt amazing today though. I was alert and ready to go for my first lecture. I complain about this class constantly. I bitch and whine about how what we’re studying makes no sense, and I wish we could just move onto the next topic. Well, we did, and when my professor said “taking what we’ve learned…lets apply it to the next reading”, my mind almost exploded. It made perfect sense why we were learning what we were learning. It was as though I was experiencing an ecstatic state in which all of a sudden the world made sense. As though I took apart the fancy graphics of a computer and was looking at its programming; I understood everything. Well, then class ended. I am extremely impressed with the way my professor it teaching this class now. Its a far cry from the memorizing of definitions in my other classes. Except…my one class is still my favorite…hot prof…need I say more?

When I got home, I pretty much did nothing. I’m still doing nothing really. I watched “West Wing”. In fact, it was the first time I’ve managed to get through an entire episode without getting bored of the jingoistic American political fodder. I also watched “Big Brother”. It was the last episode, but I wasn’t too enthusiastic, because nobody I wanted to win was even left on the show. Then I watched “MD’s” and recorded some other doctor show. Yup, I love medical shows…love ‘em, love ‘em, love ‘em!

My biological clock has been ticking again lately. Not the one for children, but the relationship one. I think its the weather. Fall makes me a little bit needy in the romance department. It will all be gone by winter though…I promise.

Every second time I sat outside on my balcony smoking a cigarette - at least - I would think “One day I will go explore those woods”. They are about ten feet from my apartment, a HUGE, vast chunk of woods that contain deer and coyotes and numerous rabbits. I never have explored them yet in the more than a year I’ve lived here. And now that I never go out there to smoke - because I don’t smoke anymore - I never think of these trees.

Today, I looked out the window at the deliciously still-green trees, and my heart sank. It finally hit me that we’ve been kicked out of our apartment. Not in the bad way…we may be messy at times, but we’re good tenants. The owner has decided to sell our condo (who’s this mysterious business man we’ve never met that lives in Asia), so *poof*, we have three months to leave.

I wasn’t stressed out about it at all yesterday. In fact, quite the contrary! I love looking for new apartments, and the excitement of living somewhere new. Starting fresh…meaning no dust behind the stove. Jason on the other hand seemed nearly suicidal about the prospect. He’s completely opposite from me in that he hates change. He hates looking for a new apartment. He never leaves his apartments unless he HAS to! The last one he was in, he was in for eight years! I can’t even FATHOM having to live somewhere that long.

So, when I appeared from my desk with a MASSIVE list of potential apartments - with the look of a puppy dog who remembered to poop outside - he seemed devastated. I was jumping up and down screaming “BUT!!!! This one has a fireplace!!!”. He didn’t like any of them. There was something wrong with ALL of them. Mostly, they just weren’t in communities he wanted. They were nice communities though. I found a nice one in Huntington Hills, I thought it would be neat to live aging in the community I grew up in…but nope…not good enough.

The real issue, and I’m on the same level as him with this one, is that we will never find a place this good for the price we’re getting. Its just an incredible deal that’s rare to find anywhere else. I found lots of three bedroom apartments with 1.5 bathrooms for the same price, but none had a beautiful view of a beautiful mysterious forest out back…none would have my bedroom so perfectly situated that on every full moon around midnight, my room is completely illuminated by moonlight. None could be as peaceful.

I would love to live with Jason still. However, if we can’t agree on a place, we’ll simply have to go separate ways. I, for one, would like a place where the bedrooms are far, far, far, away from any computer (i.e. a two story townhouse or something…which I found…it was perfect…wrong community he says).

My dream home…some creepy old haunted type house in Kensington that oozes more character than this apartment ever could! Way too expensive and rare though. Perhaps I’ll check Marda loop. Or, a big new house in the suburbs with five rooms and more roommates. I got lots of friends…we should try communal living! LOL…I have troubles enough with one roommate. I’m too independent.

Anyway…During this whole ordeal….I’m sure I’ll be the rock…the calm one. Jason will panic. It will be easy for me to move. All I have fits into my bedroom…Jason has more knickknacks, more Christmas decorations, more furniture, more CRAP than a Saturday full of garage sales combined. I like my simple life *giggle* Mind, body, spirit….its all I need:)

And a walk in that forest!

I see how easy it can be to miss an opportunity if you procrastinate!

Sleep

To find my sleep
I need no map,
just things left done
that should be free…
like smokey thoughts
and layered dreams.

Its been a great day, but not for any particular rea son. I think I could describe it as just feeling completely comfortable…like a favorite sweater on Christmas day, surrounded by family. First of all, I got eight hours of sleep, uninterrupted. Sinc e its been two weeks since that last happened I fel t pretty darn good when I woke up.

Jason, Jeremy and I went for breakfast at Denny’s before heading out to school. We had a wonderful window seat and through it I could see the mixture of leaves. Brown and yellow and green. The dreary coolness of fall I love so much. We just sat, relaxed, and chatted and gossiped. It just felt comfortable.

Then it was off to the atrium at the university. Part of the reason I feel better, and perhaps why I’m sleepi ng now, is that I’m caught up in my readings a nd I’ve become accustomed to the work load. I know my schedule of how much I need to work, and I’ve adjusted my mind set in accordance to this. Now, the reading and learning just seems to flow into me without the stress of not knowing if this is possibl e. And now I’ve started reading ahead…I’m not just caught up…I’m ahead. A beautiful state to be in. Thirteen days until my first two exams.

Sandy showed up with her friend Kathy, who seems amazingly cool. So, Jason, me and them hung out and gig gled and gabbed until it was time for Jason’s class. Then Sandy and Kathy left. I remained and tried to figure out post modern theory…as always, I couldn’t understand it…where’s Jason when I need him (di fferent Jason - long story, but he’s a post m oder n genius who by now must have his PhD…pretty much influenced me A LOT!)?

Then, it was off back home to watch some television and study yoga. Its the new season now, the most exciting time of the year fo r me and I’m in “pee my pants with exciteme nt” m ode right now. I watched “8 simple rules for dating my daughter”, “Bonnie…ahh…something or other” and “Push, Nevada” (which wants to be Twin Peaks but is missing the eerie landscape, the beautiful but c reepy music, and the subtly that made Twin Peak s amazing). As for yoga, I feel like I’m way behind the class, because its a multi-level class, so I got out my books and refreshed myself on the philosophy of yoga etc. I practiced some of the poses we did and made sure I knew them well. Now I’m ready for tomorrow…my mat is cleaned and sticky like its supposed to be, I’m comfortable with the philosophy and poses, and my muscles (still sore and in pain from Monday) are ready for more!

Now, I’m just going to read “The Vampire Lestat” (yes…f or the millionth time) and then hopefully drift off to sleep….

I really should remember one of these days to write about what happened with Ross the asshole last Friday. Nah, who cares…he’s not worth the internet space…..lets just say he doesn’t have a job anymore!!!

Stranger Than You Dreamt It

Stranger
than you dreamt it -
can you even
dare to look
or bear to
think of me:
this loathsome
gargoyle, who
burns in hell, but secretly
yearns for heaven,
secretly . . .
secretly . . .

Fear can
Turn to love - you’ll
learn to see, to
find the man
behind the
monster: this . . .
repulsive
carcass, who
seems a beast, but secretly
dreams of beauty,
secretly . . .
secretly . . .

-The Phantom of the Opera

Although I have n’t heard the music of Phantom of the Opera for years, I often get this song firmly stuck in my head. However, all I could ever remember of it was the very first line. “Stranger than you dreamt it…”. I would always have to hum the rest. Frequently I’ll start singing this when something strange happens, or the verisimilitude of a situation is shattered. Nobody ever gets it, but I’m always content in my love of this short little tune that the Phantom sings right after his mask is ripped off by Christ ine revealing the horror of his disfiguration. I finally looked up the lyrics and found them to be quite profound.

Today started off a little crazy. I woke up late, so I had to drive to school instead of taking the bus. That’s another four dollars not saved. I arrived on time for my yoga class though, which started at seven in the morning. I sat and waited for Sandy…waited…waited. When class started, she still wasn’t there. I’m so freakin’ shy that I was peeing my pants with fear…having to s tart a yoga class by myself!

It turned out fairly good. It was more advanced than I’d like it to be. I’d feel much more comfortable in an absolute beginner’s class. However, there was barely a word of correction from the teacher when he examined our p oses. I am a little sore though, a yoga session really can feel like a full work out. In fact the rest of the day I felt tired, as though I had run a marathon. Of course this could be lack of sleep.

Speaking of sleep! I managed to get five hours of s leep last night. Writing out my frustrations in my journal really helped me release them. Sleep came quickly and quietly to me…

I digress…I met Sandy right after yoga class. She had slept in until after the class had started. She felt so horrible, and disappointed. I made fun of her and told her the teacher was scary and was going to yell at her for being late. I now have the job of calling her on Wednesday to make sure she’s awake.

Classes today seemed to drag on forever! It was definitely a mistake taking all four courses in one single day. Its simply too much for the brain to process and too much time sitting still. They finished though and now I’m enjoying a night in which I’m completely caught up in my readings and I don’t have to worry about everything….

And yes…I’m listening to Phantom of the Opera…which I forgot was so scary!!!!

The drone of endless clicking of a keyboard is all I can hear…

And honestly I don’t have the heart to tell my roomate that the reason for my inability to sleep for the last year starts simply with his enless typing.

His keyboard is in the room next to mine and at night until around four in the morning. Even when he has to be up at six am…he types and types and types. Talking to friends, cruising for sex. Sometimes bursting into laughter. Often having people from the internet phone him…the phone rings often as I lay awake.

I’m a quirky person and one of my quirks is that sleep is almost impossible for me unless I am the last to go to bed….it doesn’t matter a blaring ambulance is sitting outside my window…as long as I’m the last to go to bed, I will fall asleep.

So for the last week, since my anxiety, and stress and workload from school is high, sleep is even harder to come. I fall asleep from pure exhausting, and not sleeping for three days in a row…only to be awoken five minutes later by the clicking of more fucking keys on a keyboard.

I burst into tears almost every night this week because I was so tired it was becoming physically painful and all I could hear was the pounding of his keyboard at three in the morning…waiting for him to go to bed…falling asleep instantly as soon as he does. Doesn’t help though when you need to be up at four in the morning to work.

Nothing is stressing me out tonight though, my readings are done and I’m content. There’s barely a spot of stress or tension on me. But I had three hours of sleep last night and I worked, and I cooked and cleaned when I got home. I collapsed half an hour ago in a happy sleep…only to wake up five minutes later to the slamming of fingers on keys…covered in a hot sweat.

Almost in tears again….how can anybody spend ten hours in a row typing….five more hours until he goes to bed and I can fall asleep. Then its up at four thirty for yoga class…maybe I’ll get used to this.

there’s nothing I can do…its not his fault…its mine….

frustration

I’m a complete mess. I’m going through a very serious bout of insomnia. I can’t think straight and must body is buzzing with the pain of exhaustion. I’m not sure if its stress, too mush coffee, or the complete shock to my system from starting school. Not to mention the fear and panic that has come with it this year.

So, this morning, after getting about two hours of sleep I awoke for my first day of school. I felt like shit, but the adrenaline seemed to be keeping me awake. I’ve decided to take the bus this year to save on parking fees. What I forgot was how hellish riding the bus can be! I am a person who needs a lot of personal space, so being crammed in by strangers is my idea of a horrifying experience. I sucked it up though and told my self that if I was able to do this for years and years until I turned 16 (On my first try…just to make a certain person jealous;) I could do it again.

It felt strange arriving downtown and then immediately leaving. As much as I hate downtown office worker type of people, everything in me said “this is where you’re supposed to be! Why are you getting on the c-train?” I still managed to get on that train though.

However, when I got off the c-train and began walking towards the university along with hundreds of other students I had what I could only describe as my first panic attack. I literally had to stop in my tracks and with all my might, try and stop myself from breaking down in tears…running home…and calling the whole thing off.

I don’t get it though! The university is my stomping grounds. I’ve been going there off and on since 1996! During my first year of university, this year’s first year students would have been twelve years old! Wow, what a scary thought! I’ve experienced pretty much every ounce of crap that a university can throw at you and sometimes survived…sometimes drowned. I’ve worked at the university…I’ve gotten drunk there…I’ve gotten laid there.

But something was different. Something has changed about my experience that has absolutely terrorized me at various points during the day.

I made it to my classes though. One after another. They all seem amazing, and I already have a wicked crush on one of my professors. I will definately be making it to every single one of his classes!

I couldn’t believe the line ups at the universtiy today! There was a line up to get a locker, a line up to sign a medical form for my yoga class. There were lines that seemed twice as long as they used to be for food, there was a line up in the middle of a field at ond point that led to a small table. Your guess is as good as mine. The crowds were even worse than the line ups. I have never in my life experienced such crowds at the university. I’m absolutely positive that a hell of a lot more people are in the university now than when I first started.

The energy was infectuous though. There’s nothing like the pure fear and pure exileration of the first day of university!

The power of loneliness…when new students realize for the first time…that they are absolutely alone now…and all there is to do is stand in line ups…

I apologize if I sound stupid, wrong, or don’t make sense at all…more so if my spelling or grammar is bad. whith amazingly small amouts of sleep in me…I simply can’t do my best.

Not that I ever have good grammar or spelling…

Its been an off day right from the beginning. I think it just might be the weather. Don’t get me wrong, this is my kind of weather! The misty wetness and aromic freshness of the grass and air. It makes everything feel more comfortable - Rather than the stickyness of summer with the painful sun burning my eyes, or the stinging winter stabbing me with chill and drowning me in darkness. Its just that having a November day smooshed in the middle of summer seems to turn everything upside down.

Everybody at work today was moody. Joey has decided to quit instead of taking over from me. Ross was mad at Julie because she was late. Ken was quite and bitchy instead of quirky. Julie was miserable from the guilt of being late. And I was fine until Ross pissed me off for some forgoten reason and I absolutely raged! I turned red and screamed and wrote him a horrifyingly nasty letter that would probably have gotten me fired if I hadn’t ripped it out later. It culmunated with me yelling the word “MASTURBATE” in front of quite a few customers…yes…anger only makes you look like a fool.

Even reading everybody’s journals today…we all seem pensive and decidedly not our happiest. People that usualy write everyday, sometimes frequently, have barely made a peep. Perhaps I’m completely wrong, but it seems to be this way withing the cross-section of journals that I read.

Speaking of these journals that I read; I can’t believe the amazing emotions I get from browsing entries. I’ve learned during the time that I’ve been addicted to spying on other peoples lives, that when you REALLY listen to what somebody has to say, you REALLY tend to learn something about your own life. Especially in journals that you read every day. You get to know someone so deeply that you begin to see the connection between their experience and your own. You see your own life reflected in a new spectrum…and you see the experience of life become universal and transcendant. We all share in our journies, and sometimes its so comforting to know that there’s others walking this path with you.

I’ve notice this spill over into real life as well though. Every now and then I will meet a person and no matter how insignificant our encounter seemed, I often feeling an overwelming emotion of power in the moment. As though we’ve connected on a level that I never woud have noticed before. The difference is that I have finaly started to LISTEN to people…rather than wondering what’s in it for myself. I really find myself growing as a person every single day…I do I do!

Back to the mundane…the bus ride home made me nauseous, because I tried to do crossword puzzles while we were driving. I was sick for nearly an hour because of it. Not even the fresh air during the walk home could help me. I’m taking the bus to work to save the eleven dollars a day it costs to park. I completely forgot about the intense side effects the bus has on me. I just need to remember to not read, and to sit at the front of the bus…always with a straight ahead view of the road. I have my intense ease for getting motion sick…

Other than the crappy upside-down moods of everbody I’ve talked to today, and the nausea of taking the bus…this really hasn’t been an overly exciting day. Except that it finaly hit home that tomorrow is my last day of manager at work. It his home for me, because it hit home for everybody else…realizing that there’s nobody to replace me and do the things that I do. I guess I’ll be doing them every Thursday…yes…I’ll have to squeeze a two full time person job into eight hours…plus the normal day of work I’ll be doing on top of that.

*Sigh*

I need a new job that pays as well…unfortunately…that means serving tables…I wonder if I’ve ever mentioned my feelings on serving tables. Strange that I haven’t. I did it for five years. I must have repressed all those horrifying feelings!

“Ah, the twentieth century. Ah, the turn of the great wheel.
It had outdistanced my wildest dreams of it, this future. It had made fools of grim prophets of ages past.
I did a lot of thinking about this sinless secular morality, this optimism. This brilliantly lighted world where the value of human life was greater than it had ever been before.”
-The Vampire Lestat

I love this quote. It almost seems wrong, but completely right at the same time. As though, perhaps, the grim prophets were right…but their settings and emotions were completely wrong. It speaks to me almost as a lie that refuses to be seen. Since when is the world optimistic? And when did we start caring about human life so much? We just keep telling ourselve that we are…that we do…I think we’re wrong.

I love the phrase “Sinless secular morality”. To me it stands for something absolutely great! It tells me that the world doesn’t need somebody to tell them to be good, or how to do it. Instead we just “know” that to be good is the proper way to do things. What a great step for humanity! Throwing away the crutches of dogma! However, this mentality is the source of everything but good, because it also gives us permission to be “bad”. The more people realize that nobody’s telling them how to behave, and what steps need to be taken, the more they begin to behave however they desire…including “badly”. What is “good” or “bad” becomes blurred and confused to the point where all you need is a rational excuse to justify your action. There are more definitions of morality than there are people on this planet! For example, what’s worse…killing thousands of people in a New York building with airplanes? Or killing thousands in Japan with a nuclear bomb? Neither…because both offenders justified to themselves that what they did was “good”.

To me, this new world we live in should be represented not by “sinless secular morality” or “optimism and care for humanity”, but by the simple word, “paradox”. It is represented by both these phrases, and their complete opposite. No, Perhaps “chaos” is a better term, because it contains everything inbetween as well…mixed up so much that nobody knows what is what.

All I know so far is that to make it in this world, you must love yourself and as many people as possible…simply for their humanity…regardless of their failures.

I think this quote touched me so much because it really does seem to reflect what a person might see if they woke up in this day and age after sleeping for a hundred years. But just because that’s what they see, doesn’t mean that it is real!