Nurse Sean (dot) com

I’ve put my patch firmly on. I’ve had a meditative bath with incense and candles. I’m wearing a cheap facemask and drinking expensive beer. two year old dance music is blaring on the computer. Yes, its once again for the pre bar ritual. The only decision to make now is what to wear. I’m so tired of my clothes. Perhaps its time to go shopping.

I have no plans or goals for tonight. I have no idea if I’ll even know anyone at the bar. However, what I am thinking is that tonight I’m going to try to be a little less shy than usual. Now, considering I’m on the farthest reaches of the shyness scale - a little less shy won’t make too much of a difference. I thought maybe I’d start by just saying “hello” to someone I don’t know, instead of waiting to be introduced. Wow! That would be a big step. Hopefully there will be no panick attacks involved.

So, the week is over. Thank goodness to heck! Time seems to be going slower and slower in my wait to go back to school. I’m just too excited for words. Scared to death, because my goal is to prove to myself that I can follow through with a goal. I guess that means I have two goals. More than anything, I just can’t wait to be back at school and back in the culture I left behind.

It almost feels as though two and a half years ago, I left myself at the university saying “just wait here, I need to go and grow up, I’ll be back when I’m done”. Its going to be different though, because…well…I’ve grown up. Perhaps the over the top student politics and radically exagerated causes just won’t seem as easy to meld with. I’m worried that I’ve become too different from the person I was when I left. See, I was this little party animal with no cares in the world, no responsibility - and no desire for any. I had begun an adventure to discover myself and my place in a new world.

Now, thanks to work, I’ve changed. In fact, I think the real reason I needed to quit my job and head back to school was that I didn’t like the person I was becoming. I no longer enjoyed having fun. Life was for work, and all the responsibilities my job thrust upon me. I was sinking in a giant sea of that I didn’t want to see…let alone touch. Before I could drown I learned to tread water…and I knew I wanted out!

But I’m jaded. I used to be so positive about life and optimistic. I was a dreamer with a million dreams. Now, I’ve seen these dreams become laughable jokes. A gag that everyone has to endure while growing up. Thats not me though. My dreamer is still there somewhere and its waiting to get out there and prove to the world that this big giant gag is serious truth. Somehow I believe that this dreamer is hanging out having beer at the university, waiting for my return.

Something else interesting. Reunions - they are happening to me over and over again in my life. It feels as though my entire life is being slowly paraded before me. Two weeks ago, a girl from highschool who I haven’t seen from or talked to since graduation day, six years ago, called me out of the blue at work and invited me to her BBQ with all my other highschool friends I haven’t seen. I couldn’t go unfortunately, but it seemed ackward to be talking to a former best friend from years ago. Also, periodically, over the last couple months, former friends from highschool, junior high, and today…elementary school…have been crossing my path in alarming quantities. I mean, I always laughed about the fact that I NEVER saw anyone from school EVER! and now *POOF*.

Its not just real life though, its in my dreams too. Strange reunion dreams. I’ve had two dreams where every member of SAPS is lined up and I’m walking down the line catching up with them. I’ve had a couple similar dreams where I’m meeting everyone from highschool I was friends with. Even, silly as it sounds, one dreams, where every pet I ever had is there in front of me, and I go down the row up pets saying “hello, I’ve missed you”. Oh yes, and the dream of visiting my old appartment to be reunited with my cousin I used to live with.

The erie thing about these dreams and the real life reunions is that they all seem to contain meaning, as though there were a reason that I’ve been meeting everyone from my past. Even worse is that the dreams all seem to have a somber feeling. My theories range from…perhaps I’m about to die…to….I’m saying goodbye to a large stage of my life, and now its time to move along and leave the past to rest.

Hopefully more clear answers to these dreams will come to me soon.

Oh! And in case you’re wondering…I don’t actually think I’m about to die;)

However, wouldn’t that be creepy if I did…and this was my last journal entry…okay…thats creepy just talking about it. I’m going to stop!

Perhaps I’m alone in the way these cravings happen to me, perhaps I’m not. What I’m talking about is that every so often I crave love. I don’t mean love in general, such as friends, or a favorite cat, or dinners with family. I mean downright, hard core, in your face romantic love.

I’m a very single person, and its taken a long time for me to be alright with that, but I’ll have a couple days here and there where I feel such an emptiness in me that its nearly painful. Generaly I just ignore it and chalk it up to horomones, however, sometimes the feeling is more like a missed path. It feels as though I came to a crossroads and chose my path and my body feels the loss of the alternative paths…even though I know that in the end I chose the right one.

Okay, I know, the last thing anyone wants to hear is me whining about my singlehood. Lord knows I’ve spent enough of my life doing this. Fortunately its not a whine at all. More like a factual statement of an emotional state I’m feeling. It neither depresses me or makes me want to turn back and switch directions. Its just hard to look back on the chances I’ve missed. Not to mention the chances I continue to miss.

Perhaps its more like a biological clock. Some women, and even myself have claimed this deep primal urge to have children at some point in their life. I think sometimes these feelings are a similar primal urge. Almost as though I’m too old to be single. I mean honestly, how many people at my age have never once in their life dated anyone for any length of time. And I’m not counted that girl I went out with for less than 24 hours when I was twelve.

Anyways, other than this crap, its been a pretty average day. I woke up at 4:00am to go to work, which was actually struggle. When you wake up at that time everyday for a year, its really no challenge, but its been about a month since my alarm clock blared at that time. Off to work I went. Ross, as usual was an asshole to me and everyone else. I’m normaly an extremely passive aggressive person, so I marvel at the way I get stronger every day in my ability to stand up to him and his attitude. I just wish everyone else at work would do the same thing. I keep telling them to just stand up for themselves, because I’ve done all I can do. I spend most of my time defending myself against him. I truly wish we weren’t so short staffed and I could get rid of him. His attitude towards, me - his boss, customers, coworkers, and managers is really getting boring.

I’ve had such a destructive energy about me lately. It seems as though everything I touch breaks. My belt spontaneously snapped in half. My watch spontaneously broke in half, and my copper bracelet did the same thing. I’m almost afraid to wear anything with metal in it, because I seem to have this new magical power that allows me to snap metal in half at will…or at least spontaneously without warning. We’ve been having fun joking with it at work. Everytime I get mad at something I pretend to wave my hands at something metallic and break it in half. Sandy cried “You must be a witch with all that power!”

*chuckle*

Another story from work. At one point this morning I cried “GOD FOR SHAME”. Apparantely I’m the only one to think its funny…I just don’t get it…its hilarious! Ross didn’t think so, he said, in a very rude manner “You need to drop that saying, its pissing me off!”.

My response… “Since you love to give me so much attitude about it, I think I’ll say it twice as much.”. Wow did it piss him off. Of course it pissed him off more when an hour later after yet another rude comment of his, I said “You can ask me nicely, or at least talk professionally, I don’t want anymore of your fucking attitude!”. Okay, I shouldn’t have sworn, but trust me…for me to say something like that is a big step in a good direction.

How the hell did I get back to the topic of Ross?!?!?! For someone I hate, I sure do talk about him a lot. Perhaps I just love to hate him…yes, I most certainly do! Because of him, I’ve gained a lot of self confidence and strength. Mwahahahaha….

Its late at night and I should be in bed. My alarm will be going off at 4:00am and I hate being tired. I love this time of the night though and its always sad to have to go to sleep and say goodbye to it. Its not the specific hour of the day I love, its just the routine I have before going to bed. I check my email and livejournal, then I do a couple crossword puzzles, then its a bit of reading. After all that I spend at least an hour in bed thinking deeply before I finaly drift off to sleep.

Its the stillness of it all. The fact that even though the world may still be buzzing wildly outside, its all silence in my little messy room. I create a mental nest for myself that protects me from everything bad that goes on outside. I feel truly warm and fuzzy and ready for the next day.

I spent the day dealing with university stuff. I always said that planning to go to school was much harder than being in school. I performed the final steps of what seemed like an endless process trying to get my student loans finalized. There’s contracts to sign, then mail. Two hour line-ups to stand in for a simple signature. I had to dig for tax returns, SIN cards. I had to research numbers that were on my highschool transcripts from long ago. Today, I walked in and handed the papers to the government and washed my hands of it all…so I thought. There’s a typo on my contract, and if I don’t fix it my loan will be void. So, I phoned one person who made me phone another. All in all…I’ve spoken to five people, and I still don’t know how to fix it. Even though all of them have sworn that all I have to do is call such and such a number and it will simply be fixed. I remember how much of this crap went into applying for university six years ago. I can’t imagine doing both at the same time.

Now, I love rollarcoasters, so when I say the horrible cliche “my life is like a rollarcoaster” - and it is - I don’t mean that in a negative way. The dips and turns and dives and screams and laughter are what truly makes me feel my place on this planet. Right now I feel as though I’m on a new rollarcoaster, and I’m slowly creeping up the first clackity hill….waiting…breathlessly…for the new, wild ride that I’m about to experience. However, I’m so excited about this new ride, that this first hill seems as though its taking too long. I can’t endure waiting for the rush of adrenaline that awaits me on the other side.

This hill is fairly comfortable - my life is comfortable. There’s no fear in going up hill at one mile per hour. You just look outside your car to the scenery below and wonder at how beautiful everything looks from this perch. You almost seem as though you could stay at this vantage point forever. Everything is so clear from up here - it all makes sense. But just as there’s excitement from the impending fall into fun…there’s the fear of loss. Its certainly less comfortable to be falling at fifty miles per hour.

So, for now I’ll endure the dullness of endless paperwork, and the comfort of new friends. I’ll cling to the stability of my job for two more weeks. I’ll pretend that my view will never change, even though I know I want it to…although I can’t wait to take the dive. Hopefully my new friends like rollarcoasters as much as I do and will join me for a ride…

I was thinking about a man I met a couple of months ago. Actually, It seems wierd calling him a man since he was the same age as me, perhaps even younger. It seems like men are only those who are older than me. I’m the eternal boy. However, I digress. He was new in the community, which basically means he becomes “adopted” by a few people, who show him the ropes and resocialize him to fit into the great borg-like mass we call the “gay community”.

My roomate met him on the internet, and being the unofficial “welcome wagon” of the community, they instantly began chatting. Then hanging out. Then dating - or at least that’s what he thought. To my roomate he was just some guy he wanted to fuck. In fact it seems like a lot of these guys my roomate “welcomes” to the community are simply potential “fucks”. Okay, thats not true, perhaps it just seems to me sometimes that everyone in this world has alterior motives and must have some dark end to justify their means. Again though, I digress…

He was actually a very sweet guy, and I felt an instant attraction to him. He was about my hight with hair as black as mine…about the same build. His personality reminded me of my own if I were to peel back the layers of sometimes false confidence and comfort in my own body. He was real and honest and shy and kind. Like I said, he was just an all round sweet guy. Unfortunately, he was involved with my roomate, so my hardcore personal morals and sworn rules of conduct stated “hands off”! Which was hard, because he was genuinely perfect for me. I had no clue if he would ever feel the same way about me, because he was so wrapped up in the idea that he was going to spend the rest of his life with my roomate.

So, we took him to bars and hung out with him and introduced him to new people. We hung out at the gay coffee shop and watched drag shows while explaining why people do would ever want to do drag. My roomate became inpatient because there was no sex involved and he wasn’t willing to wait any longer. When this sweet young man told him he was pagan, my roomate dumped him, calling him a psycho.

*sigh*

I never heard from him again, and in fact I think he was planning to move back to Ontario after the summer ended. There’s no trace of him left anywhere in this city. He has simply vanished into the land of people I once knew. I wonder what would have happened if I had simply persued him instead of taking the moral high road. After all…aren’t some things worth fighting for?

Today, I was talking online to a man named Brent. We met just over a year ago and basically started “dating” - which is an extreme overstatement. I won’t retell the entire story, because its somewhere amongst my hundreds of journal entries. Brent, like this other guy was perfect for me, but things just didn’t turn out. I was completely in love with him…I mean twelve year old school girl for a backstreet boy in love!…but he had to move to Vancouver on one days notice.

I was talking to him about a month ago and a friend of his asked us if we ever dated. Knowing that I didn’t really have an answer that the English language could accomidate for, I just stood there with a confused look on my face. He spoke up though saying, “I think I just wanted more than he did, so it didn’t really go anywhere.”

shock….gasp…punch in the stomache…jolt to the system.

How is it possible that HE wanted more than I did, when I always thought it was the other way around. I always thought he wasn’t interested in dating me or having any type of relationship. He basically stopped calling me and then disapeared. I only found out he moved to Vancouver long after the fact. I thought he stopped calling because he didn’t care. What was I doing wrong. And before you start thinking I should have called him…I did…all the time, then he said he would call me next time he’d be available to go out and do something, and then never did.

So, a simple thought ran through my mind as I was talking to Brent online today.

“Is it all my fault? Should I take more control of my own fate? Or should I just let the wheel spin?”

Smoking is a demon of habits. It invades the darkness and curling reaches of mundane ritual. You notice a thousand-fold the power of your own routine when you put down your last cigarette. You realize how almost every moment of your day is centred around when you’re going to smoke next. You wake up and have fifteen minutes of extra time because thats when you used to smoke. So, you pace back and forth and try to avoid the thoughts of smoking. Half hour breaks from work are devistating, because you have no clue what “normal” people do for that half an hour. You constantly figit at the bar with beer in your hand, because you don’t know what your free hand should be doing.

Sure I’m wearing the patch, and trust me it works wonders. I really have no cravings for cigarettes. I simply keep forgetting that I no longer smoke. And thats the crux of the situation; wrapping your head around the fact that you DON’T smoke. Smells start getting stronger and things start tasting completely different. Everywhere you go you stare loningly at people who are smoking, because you miss the smell and taste and power of a simple tube of plant matter.

I equate quitting smoking to deciding not to eat ever again. You’re alright for the first couple hours. Heck, you could probably make it for a good twelve hours. However, there is this growing feeling of emptiness within your body. You become weak and nauseous…you have troubles standing or staying awake. Your stomache physically hurts. Say you even make it a couple weeks without eating. Your body kicks in with natural, automatic instincts that basically force you to eat. Resisting is nearly impossible, nor is it possible to function in life.

However, with the patch, its like deciding not to eat ever again, but still taking pills that give your body every nourishment it needs to survive and function. Even though its possible, you still have that dark, painful, empty feeling in your stomache as it cries out for something to fill it. Your brain starts craving the taste of certain foods.

Now, it may seem wierd that I’m going on and on about these feelings (and just so you know I’ve made it this far without slipping, and I’m still going strong), but when I went out with a group of friends tonight to the coffee shop, I had these same strange feelings of being empty dark down inside me. Don’t get me wrong, I care about these people, but sometimes they seem as though they too are just a patch that I’ve placed over my life for something I truley crave.

I feel so much of an outsider now to most of my gay friends, when in the past I was the wild, crazy, party animal leader. I was the one in the middle of fifteen people hogging all the attention and demanding everyone loves me. Now, fastforwarding to three years later, I’m the one sitting at the bench watching traffic go by and wondering what exactly changed in myself. I rarely find myself interested in the hypersexual talk and banter and gawking my friends do. I can’t relate to their stories of threesomes and drug induced evenings. I just stare far away and lose myself to a blank mind.

I know I’ve become a completely different person in the last few years. However, for some reason, I can’t seem to put a finger on exactly what is different about me. I can’t figure out who exactly I’ve become. I can’t discribe my personality, where as I used to be able to list it like memorized song lyrics. I’m no longer lost, and inbetween events, or at the bottom of the pendulum. Instead, I’m just beginning to reach a new part of a journey, and I haven’t had much time to explore my surroundings yet.

As for my friends, I’m sick of blaming myself. I used to say that I was afraid to get close to people. I used to claim that I couldn’t be close friends with someone who I didn’t want to fall in love with - intertwining the two like ribbon. Now, I say its my friends. Not that they’re bad to me, but I chose them and perhaps they just aren’t the right people for me. I care for them on the inside, but on the outside I couldn’t care less. I love them spiritualy, but not on the levels of mundane existence and routine.

I am completely, utterly bored out of my mind! Why do I always look forward to days off of work when I end up wishing I was at work? I actually want to do laundry today, but I have no loonies at all. I’m starving and want to cook, but I can’t seem to find the desire to put a few food items together.

So, this is my first day on the patch! Actually…its my first hour on the patch and holy shit am I HIGH! So far I have no desire to smoke, because my mind is buzzing to much to even think about it! Actually, its kind of fun. However, wish me luck on quiting this time…

Its been probably the most boring week - in terms of things to write about - EVER! The only thing I did besides work, eat and sleep was have a BBQ at my appartment Wednesday with Jason, Jason’s mom, Dan and Alex. Even that was fairly mundane.

I’ve been having troubles sleeping all week and I finally cought up last night. I slept from 7:00pm until 4:00am, and then from 6:00am to 11:00am. So, I’m feeling completely strange from over sleeping. I was actually excited about going out to the bar last night, but I suppose I need to just admit my body needed sleep more than I needed to go out partying. Besides I never have fun anyways. Then I was excited to be up so early in the morning. I had so many plans of being productive. Now I feel like just hanging around the house being lazy…but hyper and unable to stand still. Perhaps I’ll go for a walk somewhere with lots of nature.

Wow! I am REALLY high from this patch! I started on step 2 because I don’t smoke that much and I’m glad I did! I can’t imagine how high the stronger step 1 would make me!

I used a lot of exclamation marks today…I guess thats just how I’m thinking!

Okay…I’m going to write again when I don’t feel so strange.

Its been a wonderful long weekends, but it is slowly coming to a close. Friday as I said, I went to the bar, which was probably the low point of the weekend considering how I felt. I simply wasn’t in a party mood at all. I should have just snuggled under a blanket at home and watched a movie. Confort food in one hand and blanket in the other.

Saturday was the complete opposite. The only thing I did during the day was run out to buy some food before my party. I stuffed my face with what seemed like endless amounts of fattening KFC. Then, while watching the most beautiful thunderstorm, I was picked up for my party by Adrea. I had the most amazing time. I got a little bit drunk…probably a lot more drunk than anybody could tell (you have to feed me tequila if you want to be able to “tell”). I couldn’t believe it! They had balloons and presents and cake! I was quite literally in shock! oh yes…and Ice cream from McDonalds. The night was just one big fun conversation intermingled with seriousness and spiced with alcohol. Pure joy! Bryan gave me a ride home and I just layed back and fell asleep, pleasantly content with life.

Sunday I headed over to my parents house. They were back from their Alaskan cruise and I simply couldn’t wait to see their pictures. They were absolutely incredible! I couldn’t believe that so much beauty could be contained in such a small portion of the world. I practically gasped as each new picture flashed up on the computer screen. Then my mother and I went grocery shopping. She had asked me what I wanted for my birthday and I said I wanted “groceries”….how things change from when you’re a kid! We had a blast! We went around the store with me asking “how do you make such and such that you always make?” and her grabbing things saying “you just need this and this and this.” So, I lugged all the groceries home along with a new Starbucks mug from Skagway Alaska and massive nursing textbooks my grandmother gave me. Surrounded by all these groceries I truly feel nested. I love the feeling of having “real food” in the house. I’m so used to having just ichiban and kraft macaronni and cheese. Wow…I must be maturing now that I’m in my mid-twenties.

And now today, on my last day of my weekend, I’ve done absolutely nothing but drink tea and do crossword puzzles. I’ve barely moved at all. I’m starting to get hungry, but thats no big deal…I made beef stroganof last night and had lots of left overs. Plus I can add bread and vegetables and a glass of soy milk. Gosh…I feel so grown up.

And now…back to work…my delights shall diminish

I’ve been so happy lately! Its as though there is true happiness inside me, guarded by a giant combination, and lately I’ve been hearing the loud “clicks” of this combination being completed correctly. Little bit by little bit. I decided to go back to school, and a loud “click” echoed like thunder. I decided to quit my job and yet another “click”. Then after joining CCOP, it was as though another piece of the puzzle settled in place. I have no idea what happens when the combination is complete. I don’t know what the next numbers are, or when they’ll happen. What I do know is that each time I feel this thundering sensation its as though the universe is saying “YES! This is where you’re supposed to be, what you’re supposed to be doing…its finaly your time to settle into the fate set out for you.”

In fact I’m practicaly in extacy with the world around me. Literally as though I’ve woken up from a night of perfect sex. The Earth is glowing with passion and hope. My future is layed out like a train track, visible and beautiful, meant for me in every way. My cup of joy is flowing over and I can’t stop smiling. I’m so excited about school, and my new career path, and my new friends. I just bask in the glory of my own happiness, knowing that there is knowhere else I’m supposed to be. There’s simply that little “click” of intuition bubbling inside me, telling me not to change a thing. Proceed…the light is now green.

This feeling has been years in the making. I spent many years feeling so unsure about myself and everything around me. I spent so long living for today, because I just didn’t know what I would want tomorrow. I refused to plan, because I assumed the universe was against me and would break down the towers of everything I wanted. These were my towers of learning though, I built so many that had to be torn down. I had other towers to build…other lessons to learn.

And now…with these giant, booming “clicks” I feel a true foundation has been built. I used the cement of every lesson learned to make a base that was true to myself and what I wanted. Now, its time to start building, because I’ve been told that this tower will not be thrust away. It is way too pretty to even scar…to strong to even scratch. Over the years, level by level, my life will reach to the sky, perhaps even the stars. In many years I will stand on the very top level and shout to the world “I made it! I finally made a tower that won’t fall. And I love every inch of it.”

It was hard looking forward though, and I think that’s why my birthday was so hard. Subconsciously I knew that it was time to turn away from the past and focus on what was to come. With bad memories are good, intertwined and unseperable. To throw away one, is to throw away another. But its not so much that I’m forgetting my memories, but forgiving them. They will always be there, but will no longer be able to affect my decisions or my future. The are simply the decorations that hold up my future…only there like art work.

So, as I turn towards the future and say goodbye to my past, I wonder what the next great key to my puzzle will be. I wonder when the next great “click” will happen. They seem to be happening almost monthly lately…like dominoes set in motion. Each time brings more exctacy and joy and completion to my life. Or could the combination be complete? Perhaps pandora’s box is already open, and my world is already beginning to form.

Happy birthday to me…

This year for the first time it really hit me that I’m getting older. Generally it was fun to be a new age…A little bit older, a little bit more mature in the eyes of social constructs. Now I just feel older. It scares me that at twenty-four years old I haven’t done anything with my life overly important, except learn through failure.

Then I realize that I’ve spent the last six years trying to figure out simply what I want to do with my life. This involved many failed attempts at university…I’ve majored in pretty much every thing once, and dropped out of pretty much everything once. Then I dropped out of school completely, telling myself “I will never go back to university ever again”. After a couple years out of school, and numerous soul searching sessions, I’ve finally decided what to do and I’m going back to university. I’m proud of me for the ambission I’m feeling for the first time since first year university. So, its not that I’ve not accomplished anything I suppse. Its just that it took me a long time to figure out what I want to accomplish

It really has been a strange six years for me since I magically transformed into an adult at the age of eighteen. Moving in and out of my parents place, finding friends, losing friends, new jobs, different levels of poverty and wealth, and a steady growth in spirituality. Yet, I haven’t learned a thing. I feel often as though I’m still four years old, waiting for my mother to do everything for me. Waiting for supper to be served.

She’s far away though and I’m all alone. In fact, I’m twenty-four years old and I have never had a relationship. Not even a small, insignificant one. I guess you could say that the one thing in life I’ve learned to deal with so far is loneliness. I’m perfectly happy alone in Relationships and friendships. Well, its more as though I repress my natural desires for loved ones. Perhaps I’m a complete failure when it comes to relationships too, or perhaps I haven’t figured out what I want to accomplish!

Last night at the bar I was pretty darn depressed, with all these thoughts running through my head as I watched the skinny little twinks dance and try on each other’s glitter. I’ve never been one for glitter myself. My friends bought me some beer and gave me birthday hugs, but something just didn’t feel right. I couldn’t shake the feeling of non accomplishment in my life. I basically just sat by the fish pond all night and watched the fish and the world go by. I left the bar fairly early and really didn’t have any fun at all. Of course, that was completely my fault for putting myself in such a shitty mood.

I’m pretty darn happy today though. I’m just sitting at home relaxing and listening to Tori Amos. I do believe I’ll be heading off to watch Lord of the Rings for the millionth time, and make myself some lunch. I have six hours of relaxation time before I get picked up for my party. Maybe I’ll treat myself to some serious junk food today, like buckets upon buckets of popcorn chicken, or handfuls of whoppers. OOPS….can’t afford it. Its ichiban soup for me!

Well, I’m back in my appartment, and although I love being home, its not as cozy as I remember. My bathrooms dirty, there’s dishes to be done, laundry to do, fish tanks to change, plants to water. Its back to the grind for me, back to my free time being filled with menial tasks. I wish I had a weekly maid like my parents to do it for me. Of course there’s always that glowing warmth of accomplishment when you’ve spent hours house keeping and everything is fresh, clean and yours.

Work has been fun the last couple of days. I’ve been working night shifts with Joey. I haven’t worked the closing shift for months and I had forgotten how much I enjoyed them. More cleaning, but less customers and less busy. Much more relaxing and you get to sleep in much later. Unfortunately its back to mornings for me tomorrow. I do get to sleep in until 5:30am. How strange is it that 5:30am is sleeping in!?

My birthday is on Saturday, and I’m excited. CCOP is giving me a little birthday bash, which actually embarrases me a little. I love throwing parties for people, but it always seems strange and unusual when people do it for me. Not so much a lack of self esteem, but a genetic disposition to stubborness when people go out of their way to do something for me. I’m not as bad as my grandmother though who wouldn’t let me mow her lawn when her arm was broken!

I had forgotten how much drama spun around me until I got back home. Immediately Jason had a half hour long story about Jeremy and Jeff. Its a long story, but basically Jeff is from Ontario and is staying with Jeremy. They had a fight and Jeremy kicked him to the curb. Jason and Jeremy are fighting because Jason let Jeff stay here. Also, Dan and Alex are fighting because Dan always makes negative comments about people who aren’t muscle studs (which none of us are…even Dan, though he thinks he is) and makes fun of the men that Alex finds attractive. Its true Dan does this all the time, but its much more fun to shoot him down with nasty comments than to actually fight with him. Maybe thats why Dan and I aren’t the greatest friends…he makes fun of my weight (indirectly) and I make fun of his gym bunny life style (more or less directly).

Well, its off to bed for me. Another wonderful day of work awaits me in the morning. I can’t wait till this job is only a twice a week event. And when it is, I’ll be so busy with school, and things I like doing better that I won’t have time to think about how much it sucks!