Nurse Sean (dot) com

Okay, I’m back to normal. Well, as normal as I ever get inside my head. It really is amazing how little of my mind reaches the surface. Whenever someone mentions how strange I can be, I have to tell them that there’s an entire iceberg below what they can see. A giant clump of uniqueness that leads with winding complex mazes of thoughts to what people see on the surface.

My thoughts have been more rationale the last day or so. I’ve successfully repressed all things that were stressing me out and have completely stopped thinking about them. They’re still there though and I can feel them contantly bubbling below the surface waiting to spew.

I panicked today about choosing nursing as a profession. I’m going to do it, don’t get me wrong, but I’m panicking just like I always do when I finaly decide to go ahead with nursing. I was reading a websight and it said that all nurses had a defining moment in their life that called them to nursing.

Wow did it ever take a lot to think of my defining moment. I almost had to force them out. I simply just know that I’ve wanted to be a nurse for a long long long time. Firstly I always knew that I wouldn’t be a good doctor. I may or may not be smart enough, but I honestly don’t think I’d be good at it. However, I’ve always wanted to work in a hospital in some capacity. This began, and this is one of my defining moments, when I found a nursing textbook at my Grandmother’s house (She was a nurse). I stayed up until the wee hours of the morning fascinated by what I was reading. I remember that book very clearly and that I would secretly read it every time I was staying at her house. I was convinced it had to be secretive, because there were pictures of naked people in the book.

The second defining moment had to be when my roomates grandmother was dying. When the entire family was there, I seemed to jump into this strange automatic mode in which I rushed around making coffee, cleaning, making beds, and mostly just making them comfortable as possible, while at the same time feeling the need to be at the hospital making sure his Grandmother was comfortable as well. This was all pretty subconsious, and when Jason’s mother came up to me and said “Thank you for everything, you’ve really helped us out and made things better for us while we wait for my mother to die.” This is when it clicked in my mind of what came natural to me.

Still, there’s a lot of “sucking it up” to get used to. I’ve heard lots of stories of all the gross things they’ve done while in nursing school. I’ll get over it. It used to make me nauseous to clean up vomit until I had to work in a restaurant as a dishwasher with that as a side duty (there was a trashy lounge attached to the restaurant). After awhile it didn’t phase me, so I know that anything after awhile won’t phase me.

Well, thats all I’ll say about that. I still haven’t gotten into nursing. I still have to do a year of school with at the VERY least a B+ average. For me, thats not that easy since I become so lazy after the first couple of months at school.

By the way, I’m thinking of doing a double major in Nursing/sociology. Because I have almost half a degree, I’ll only be taking 3 or 4 courses maximum per semester. I may have time to do both. YAH for work loads!

I’ve seen a vision and a plan for me the last couple of days. I’ve always said I would never live in a house…that I was definately a condo kind of guy. However, I kept seeing myself buying a house, and not a condo. Even the thought of living in a condo seemed all wrong. I saw RRSP’s and Mutual funds…financial security and responsibility. Perhaps that is in the future hanging off the the horizion a few years from now when I finish my degree.

Did you know nurses in the states make about twice as much as in Canada…I think. I plan to do more research, but no wonder there’s such a shortage in Canada from new graduates going to the states! I’d rather be in Canada, but honestly, twice as much money is even more than I can resist!

Or I can do another dream of mine, travel the world with volunteer organizations that bring doctors and nurses to third world countries. However, volunteering doesn’t pay the student loans.

I know, I wasn’t going to talk about nursing anymore, but that’s what’s bubbling just beneath the surface of my mind.

I’m excited about the possibilities…..

Another dream awoke me with a start. Details aren’t important, but the feeling it gave me all day was. It was the feeling of love and new biginings. The feelings of an over flowing cup of chilled Ice tea on a hot summer day. Of warmth and softness amidst the cold clangy city steel. Simply of blossoming love.

I was giddy all day long and finally Sandy, half way through making a latte, stopped and asked what was wrong with me. Without a hesitation, I simply replied “I’m in love”. She seemed completely happy for me until I explained that I was in love with a man I’ve seen at the bar and coffee shop a million times, a man I’ve never talked to. A man that has always seemed to be the perfect man, causing me to carry a slight tortch for over the years.

But I fell for him completely within the contexts of my dreams so powefully, it flowed every forward into my waking life. So much so that I have to stop and remind myself that we’ve never met. If you aked me what his name was, I’d have to throw my head back and laugh, because I have no clue at all.

So, I’m walking through life right now with a shadow friend that I met in a dream. A shadow personality to pal around with my own real life personality. It must be a shadow of my own personality, I created it didn’t I? I invented a personality for this man that contained everything I don’t like about myself and immediately fell in love with it. Strength, courage, wisdon, charisma, charm.

Instant man…

And then a voice from the past. A voice from another dream about another man, “Why bother, you’ll just end up with me anyways”

NO! I refuse!

I watched my new “love” all last night from a perch safely hidden so that he wouldn’t discover my creapy lusting for him. I sat there and reinacted the dream which took place in that very place. He was sitting where he sat in my dream, and I sat where I was sitting.

I waited…

I waited for him to march over and tell me that he knows I’ve been watching him. To feel my face redden with embarrasement and walk away…only for him to come up to me again later and ask me out to coffee.

Of course he just sits there and chats with his friends for hours on end. I eventually am doing the same, frequently checking back to see if he’s still there. Of course he is, engrossed in a hilarious conversation with his masculine arms waving around, with lively power of charm. A smile that melted me. Every time I see him I start to swoon and feel myself going off a deep end. I need to look away and walk away, to regain myself.

Finally, I take a look again around 3am and he’s gone. The bars nearly empty and he finally left. Wasn’t this where he was supposed to hoist the sick lady over his shoulders like a hero and save her life. yes, I think this is when that part of the dream takes place.

Oh right…real life.

So I go home and sit down. A set of my sister’s keys that I need are gone. Not a big problem, but certainly the straw that broke a camel’s back.

I’ve been very delicately balance lately, ready for something to his me and take me away to dark depression. As I stared at the keys and listened to “Ok computer” by Radiohead I cried.

I hate my work, I want it to go away, but I’m attatched to it with a loyalty I will never understand. I did help build the place. I want the G8 to go away, I’m tired of meetings and precautions, and rumours, and new knowledge that our particular Starbucks is on a hit list somewhere. I registered for school, I’m going to do it, become a nurse. But everytime I think about it, I have a panic attack, even writing this. I’m nervous, because this is my dream and I’m tired of failing at every dream I ever have. I’m broke…ALL the time, I’m hungry and can’t afford to feed myself, I miss my cat, my toe hurts, I’m in love with a man who never loved me that I’ve been trying to get over, and now I’m in love with a man I’ve never met.

And now…I lost an important pair of keys, and I have to endure through my phone phobia and call my sister. Yes, my phobia is so bad I can’t call my own sister.

I did find the keys, someone found them in our parking lot and set them on a table in the lobbey. However, once a camel’s back is broken…its broken for awhile.

I need some stress relief…anything. No escape though. Work will be busy, like I said, G8 conference is coming up and all the leaders of the world and all the protesters of the world are converging on our city and we’re at ground ZERO. No time to hesitate in any decisions becaue of stress. Then Stampede, then new promotions, then telling my boss finaly that I’m quitting and our understaffed coffee shop won’t have a manager, and there’s nobody to replace me. Lots of work.

too much writing…if you made it this far…I need cyber hugs…and thanks for listening…

I reached a moment at work today that I’ve only reached once before at this particular job. I was standing there working and decided that I couldn’t do this anymore. I wanted to put down my apron and walk away, not looking back, not caring about the consequenses.

My job has changed. I don’t like the new people, I don’t like the customers, I don’t like my shifts. I don’t like anything. Thats not new though, I’ve been through this before and I always felt the optimism that everything would get better. Then everything WOULD get betther.

This time something is different. There’s a blurry drunkeness about my job. As though the reality of it is spinning around me while I desperately try focusing it before I throw up. There’s no rock to hold onto. There’s nothing to say “Thank God, today is over because tomorrow will be better”.

I feel as though I’m sketching a picture and someone has yanked away the paper so fast that I haven’t even noticed its gone. I just keep on drawing and drawing, lost in automation.

I have the next two days off, perhaps I’ll start feeling better. The problem is I’m sure it won’t make me start caring. And that’s the crux of the situation. That is what has only happened once before and has happened again. The first time I took two classes at university. It gave me something to concentrate on so that I wasn’t permanently focused on work. It was a source of air in my slow drowning. I survived.

What will help me this time? I think a vacation would. A long two week vacation that takes place far away from Calgary and far away from work. I wouldn’t take my phone, or I’d end up endlessly staring at the call display waiting for the word “Marriott” to go away.

Someone to love. That would do it for sure. I could sit at work and be happy knowing that no matter what happens, there’s someone at home who loves me.

Children…darn my biological clock! Its ticking, and seeing Lucy’s day old child didn’t help. The sense of loss I felt when it left her womb…don’t ask me why…I don’t know.

Going back to school on my mind right now. I want to go back. I want to go back full time now! but I made a bed I must lie in…there’s a long proccess ahead before I can get into nursing which every day seems to call to me louder.

Actually, listening to Nirvana is helping. When I was living my tortured youth years, I would come home and turn on Nirvana as loud as possible and let the angst and anger slowly drain out.

*SIGH*

Remember that craze a few years back? When everybody went right out and bought a cd full of gregorian chants? At least thats why I think I went out and bought a two cd set of the haunting chants. Actually, I think the main reason was so I would have something to read while I read my Anne Rice books. I always seemed to end up listening to Erasure instead. Strange how bubbly synth-pop can be just as eerie and spine-tingling as a gregorian chant.

But as I listen to the music a voice floats into my mind from a lost dream. A voice that carried itself from my subconscious straight into my conscious though. It won’t go away, it haunts me wherever I go.

“Why even bother, you know you’ll end up with me anyways.”

A simple statement said so casually, but carrying so much weight with it. So much that it feels like a piece of lead dropped into a fishtank, slowly corroding and killing all life around it. Its frying my synapses and overloading my intuition.

I woke up with a start, sitting up straight. I said to myself outloud. “No, I will not end up with you. No No NO NO NO!!!”

It was Dan who spoke those words to me in my dream. He sat on a couch with his feet up and a remote control in one hand. He didn’t even look at me when he said it. He just spoke the words out of the side of his pouty lips, the wind of his voice russling not a single hair in his greying moustache.

“Why even bother, you’ll end up with me anyways”

Why would my subconscious tell me this? Why would any premanition tell me such a lie? And why is it that whenever my heart is broken, I feel better knowing that my love wasn’t as strong as it still is for Dan, two long years later.

But like a bad nightmare, odd things keep happening. Every time I go out to the bar, I catch Dan looking at me. Perhaps I’m imagining it, but it looks like more than a simple friendly look. Several times, someone has pointed out Dan and said, there’s something about him that makes me just “know” he’s your type. They tell me I should go talk to him. I let out the loudest laugh…if they only knew. They seem bewildered when I pat them on the shoulder and with a smile walk away. Last night Eddie told me that he was watching me dance, and that I should go ask him to dance. Ed wasn’t sure why, but he felt that he wanted to dance with me.

It is true, Dan and I spent hours, and I mean HOURS dancing away together on the dance floor to the loud beat. My eyes would be closed as I sang along to every word. He’d be clapping his hands and staring at the nearest young angelic boy.

naivity!

I heard our song today. Well, my song for Dan, “Misery” by the Moffats. It was mere moments, perhaps less than a second after I woke up from another dream about Dan. I woke up, cursed myself for dreaming about being with Dan, turned on the radio to hear the song begin at that exact moment.

What are these signals. Perhaps they’re messages coaxing me to try with Dan again. Or, perhaps they are my subconscious telling me I can’t move on because deep down somewhere I’ve repressed all my feelings for Dan and now its time to deal with them. Coincidence?

FUCK!

If I can’t stop this crap after two years, perhaps it will be with me forever!

Things just haven’t seemed right lately though. Off kilter. As though my soul is walking beside my body instead of within. As though its tired of me and needs to live a different life. Go back in time and explore its proper dimensional shift.

Everything is just fuzzy and blurred. I feel like I’ve lost my glasses and I can’t see whats coming up for me, but I see shapes and hints and my brain is trying to put the pieces together slowly to create a clear image of what I’m looking at.

As though someones has hit fastforward on a tedious portion of life but I can’t keep up. I simply see small, puzzling glimpses of what is in the future.

But I’ve done the worst possible thing. I’ve stopped caring, because a beautiful voice has reached me through my dreams to tell me to stop this nonsense and pain. “Why bother, you’ll end up with me anyways”.

If not now….then when?