Nurse Sean (dot) com

I painted a box. Its my new obbsession these days - painting pottery at one of these places that supplies the pottery and paint, and you just paint away. When I first began, I stared at the box with no idea of what I wanted to do with it.

Then, I had an inspiration. I would dedicate it to Glenn. Its purpose would be as an object to pour all my emotions for him into. I didn’t have a clue what I would paint, but I had a poem that I wrote a few years ago that I would write on the inside.

So, I began painting, on the top - the surface - was a beautiful landscape with mountains, and clouds and a setting sun. It was amazing.

I poured my soul, and all residual energies for Glenn into the bottom of the box. I was calm and meditative while painting. Whimsical strokes of energized paint.

Then the bottom failed. The paint cracked and I had to paint it all over again. Then I went to write the poem, the most important symbol of what this box meant to me. The writing failed. I had to scratch that off and redo the bottom - giving up on the poem. Depressed that I wouldn’t be able to include it in the box. I decided to sponge paint over it. It didn’t work. I had to paint over that. I was nearly in tears over the struggle to paint this box.

I realize that the box was beginning to reflect its own purpose. The energies I was putting into painting it were reflecting off the box itself. Complete failure. It was nothing like I had planned.

I thought, “No problem, its just telling me that things, including what you wanted with Glenn, never really turn out the way you want…deal with it.” I did, I let go of the box, and any hopes of it being what I wanted. I stopped caring about the outcome and just rejoicing in how fun it was to paint. Besides, the landscape on top looked perfect. Still, there was no poem - the main focul point of the piece.

I got the box back yesterday after it was glazed and fired. I fell in love with the finished product instantly. I couldn’t imagine the poem being there. I didn’t want it there. I liked it better than what I had originaly planned.

So, after all was said and done. The box served its purpose. It took in all my energies towards Glenn and spat back a message. Things never turn out as you plan, but maybe, just maybe, they’ll turn out even more beautiful. Just different.

me: I think I’m a mess…

myself: Why would you say that?

me: I’m not quite sure, I just feel that way every now and then. I feel that way right now.

myself: What is the biggest clue?

me: Just general confusion and a sense that I could cry at the drop of the hat.

myself: Its true, you feel this way a lot. So does everybody, what makes you so special?

me: I love to feel this way.

myself: That’s interesting…what makes you say that?

me: because, when I don’t feel this way, I search for reasons to feel this way.

myself: Give me an example…

me: I know I’m completely, over the top, in love with Glenn. I know that he will never feel this way about me. I know myself, and that I shouldn’t spend time with him. Its too hard for me, way too hard. Like in the movie theatre last night, and for a couple minutes my arm was touching him. The world was blurry, and choppy, and filled with desire. What I’m saying is that its like quitting smoking…its probably not a good idea to have a pack of smokes, a lighter and an ashtray sitting in front of you all the time.

myself: I understand. It doesn’t sound as though you’re confused though. In fact, it sounds as though you know yourself quite intensly. I’ll grant you sad, but not confused.

me: Confused may be the wrong way to describe it. It more like my life is being filtered through a prism. Every aspect is completly seperated and in the right place. Unfortunately, I’m colourblind and I can’t see the colours. I can’t see the beauty in the display of colours.

myself: So, you’re saying there’s beauty in your life.

me: Possibly, but I can’t find it.

myself: You know its there though?

me: no…

myself: So, you’re confused, because you can’t find the good in your life, and even more confused because it may be sitting in front of you and you wouldn’t know it.

me: I’m pretty sure its sitting in front of me. Every now and then I seem to brush against it, but its fleeting, and gone before I can recognize it.

myself: So, even if there is beauty, you don’t know how to recognize it.

me: Yes, like being colourblind, and trying to choose a favorite colour.

myself: I think I see! You could choose for yourself the perfect life, what would make you happy, but it would be a lie. You’re blind to what is and isn’t good. Is that just for you, or in general?

me: Just for me.

myself: Alright then…choose the perfect life for yourself…as thought you were colourblind and choosing a favorite colour.

me: I meet a man, a wonderful man…powerful. Not necessarily in strength, but in spirit. A real man. One that is interested in actual marriage. Perhaps even children someday. A forever kind of guy. Easy going. Intelligent. Stimulating. Fun. Attractive. We fall in love and eventually move in together. We do everything together. his friends love me, and I love his friends. We have a ceremony and get married, my mother gets to cry tears of joy. Then, we adopt a beautiful baby boy named David. I become a stay-at-home Dad. I spend my days making life perfect for my man.

myself: Really?

me: Really…

myself: I remeber a time when happiness to you was a good carreer, lots of money, and living in New York.

Me: Yes, highschool…

myself: Would that still make you happy?

me: yes, but its not possible

myself: Is your new dream possible?

me: maybe, but the possibility seems to be fading.

myself: I’m beginning to see your blindness…

me: I crave the life of someone who knows exactly what they want in life.

myself: You do know what you want! You just want too much! You need to narrow it down. You can’t have everything you want.

me: But I’m blind remember…I can’t choose what I don’t know…

myself: Is there any colour you hate?

me: flourescent Pink

myself: How many colours are there in the world?

me: Millions

myself: Do you like them all except for flourescent pink?

me: Yes, and even flourescent pink isn’t that bad.

myself: Then follow life blindly. Don’t let it follow you. And know that all the possibilities have their beauty. Even if you can’t immediately see it. And know that if you get a flourescent pink life, it isn’t that bad.

me: I don’t think you get it…

myself: Then explain

me: A man who’s colourblind doesn’t know colour. He can’t even imagine colour. He just has to accept that his pants may not match his shirt. I have to except that I’ll never now goodness, or beauty in my life, because I can’t seem to see it.

myself: I know you well enough to know that you see beauty in everything from the piece of garbage on the street to the ugliest weed. Why can’t you accept that you’re a part of this world and that you’re beautiful whether you accept it or not.

me: Can a weed compare itself to roses and see how ugly it is in comparison. I can.

Myself: Can a colourblind man see that one colour is prettier than another.

me: point taken…

myself: but my point is that it seems strange that you find beauty in the ugliest people, but can’t see it in yourself. Imagine a rose that sees a weed as beautiful, but itself as ugly.

me: I think that’s human nature.

myself: So, if this inability to see beauty in oneself is human nature, then I repeat…what makes you so special?

me: Like I said, I love feeling this way.

myself: Why?

me: I love the image of being a “tortured soul”. Perhaps I think it will get me pitty. Or perhaps I’m attracted to people that feel the need to take care of a “tortured soul”. Nurse a depressed man to health.

myself: Like Glenn?

me: I think Glenn would be great at it. He’s very caring.

myself: So, you want someone that will take care of you.

me: I love being taken care of.

myself: Why Glenn

me: He has that fatherly quality. Protective, masculine.

myself: I won’t even try to scratch the surface of why you need a father figure in your life -

me: -but thats what I want

myself: I know…

me: I think Glenn is the thing thats confusing me the most right now. I know I want him, I know he will never want me, I know I’ll always have feelings for him, I know I need him as a friend. I’m confused, because I don’t know why I’m confused.

myself: maybe you’re confused, because you can’t figure out why he doesn’t feel the same way about you.

me: Dare I say its because I’m not beautiful? No, honestly, I know why. I’m not his type, physically. I’m okay with that. I think sexual attraction is key in a relationship in equal amounts with mental attraction.

myself: You feel like a victim because the guys you fall in love with are never attracted to you.

me: Sometimes…frequently…

myself: You’re silly! You know you love the “Tortured soul” image. If you actually fell for someone who wanted you back, you’d have to give up that image. So, by choosing men who have no interest in you and reject you, your image remains intact. You’ve gotten exactly what you wanted.

me: If thats the case, its very subconscious, but I certainly don’t count that theory out. It actually makes a lot of sense. I have yet to be attracted to any man that’s told me I’m attractive. I always thought it was just bad luck.

myself: I think Glenn is the perfect man for you.

me: So do I…

myself: You’ve found the perfect symbol of you tortured nature! Who better to make you look tortured, but the perfect man!

me: I’m going to take that back…I’ve managed to step back from the situation and realize that Glenn is very much not right for me. Its just extremely hard for me to admit this. Even to myself.

myself: I understand…the blindfold of love.

me: the blindfold of life…

myself: You know your special don’t you…

me: Well…

myself: Come on! What did Savannah say to you today?

me: She said I stick out in the gay community, because I have a specialness about me. She said I’m very honest and true to myself. I’m genuine. I’m an easy person to love.

myself: What did Don say to you a few months ago?

me: He said I was the most amazingly genuine person he’s ever men. That I was special compared with most people…

myself: And Glenn? What did he say?

me: That there’s something about me that makes me an amazing person. I’m not afraid to be myself. That I rise above the croud and stick out as a “better” person. That I have an amazing ability to absorb the world around me with a sense of humour.

myself: See! You’re an amazing person!

me: Would it be to egotistical to say that maybe I scare people away because I’m so different, Meaning that I’m not afraid to just be myself. Perhaps they see me stick out of a crowd and since they are so worried about blending in with the crowd…in fact they spend their entire life trying to fit in, that the thought of sticking out with me scares them away.

myself: Now you’re on a roll! Who do you choose as your best friends.

me: Unique people that stick out in a crowd.

myself: Congratulations! You’re one of the elite!

me: I would hardly go that far.

myself: Why is it that you could be thinking to yourself how smart you are compared to people…then one of them could walk up and tell you how smart you are, and you would deny it. Not just deny it, but truthfully deny it. You only believe what you tell yourself.

me: What are you getting at?

myself: I know you! You stand watching a crowd and you look around and you recognize how special you are compared to them….and you mean it in an amazing way. You look at everything as though it was beautiful…and you feed of this beauty…you suck it into yourself and project it! So, you can easily tell yourself you’re a special, beautiful person. However, when someone tells you that you’re beautiful, you simply deny it, because you know what they are seeing is just a reflection of the world around you. Perhaps if you projected yourself at times, and allowed people to see it, you would feel beautiful.

me: Thats just it…I don’t feel beautiful on the inside. I’m a mess.

myself: There’s beauty in everything…even messes.

me: So, if I can find the beauty withing the mess that is my tortured soul, and project that out towards people, something will change.

myself: Its only a theory. And if you ask me, its bullshit. My own theory is bullshit. I just created it to make you see…

me: See what?

myself: That you have beauty within you. You just have to find it. The friends you choose…you choose them because they can see the real you. They see past all that fucking bullshit you spout off about. When all is said and done, they still like what they see.

me: I have two good friends now. My roomate and Glenn.

myself: Thats because you’re special. It takes a lot for you to make somebody your close personal friend. And don’t you dare count Glenn. He has all the qualifications, but until you can get past your feelings for him, he can never be your friend.

me: I know…

myself: You’re not very good at having friends.

me: I know…

myself: What did you decide earlier this year?

me: I decided that I needed to learn to love people as friends. As family. Then and only then can I learn to love someone romantically.

myself: Exacly! This all comes down to your inability to love.

me: Or recognize it. Perhaps I’m not blind to beauty, but to love. I don’t recognize it when I see it.

myself: Do you love yourself?

me: Absolutely!

myself: Then step one is completed, go find yourself some friends to love. And then we’ll talk about romance.

A little more than three weeks of silence, but here I am again. I tried writing so often, but words just wouldn’t flow. Emotions wouldn’t come unstuck from behind their wall. A self created numbness flowed through me and to every cell of my body. I built a wall to keep my feelings burried deep, and I’m sure they’re still there somewhere, but I can’t find them. Don’t worry, they’ll spill out eventually.

The life of a passive - aggressive…

I feel as though I’ve been drowning on a beach, covered by a cold, salty, prickly, unexpected tide. Breathing in the water deeply with every breath, painfuly suduced by the weightlessness of drowning. Little prickly sea creatured bit, poked, and proded me. Starving sharks gashed wounds and snacked on my insides. The pokes and wounds are gone now, and the high tide is slowly receiding. I keep grasping at the waves though in a desperate attempt to pull them over me like a blanket and continue drowning.

Of course I mean love, and the pain the exists with it. My feelings for Glenn slowly ebb away and leave me covered in the filth of wet sand. I miss drowning in the “myth of us”. My bubble has been burst, by myself, and here I am alone again.

Why is it that I can spend a year in complete happiness all alone, single, but the moment one man that I’m attracted to comes along, I’m completely back to where I started a couple years ago; a shy little boy, desperate for someone simply to love him unconditionaly?

Then, last Saturday, Brent shows up at the bar. A man I dated last summer for a few weeks, who then disapeared. I had no idea where he lived or what he was doing. I swear to God I repressed him, because I never even remember him. Jason sometimes has to remind me who he is when we talk about past loves…seriously! My God was I thrown for a loop when I saw him. I was in love with him all over again. Glenn wasn’t even in the picture anymore. My mind wanted Brent and only Brent.

Those feeling Ebbed as well, but the aftershock still hasn’t worn off. Its just that I barely remember Brent, let alone had any inkling that I felt anything for him. It was simply very surreal! I had accepted, long ago, that I would never see Brent ever again, and there he was.

Work isn’t so good right now. In one week, we lose two employees, and a week ago, they fired one. We will be down to three people that work in Starbucks….twenty-eight shifts….you do the math!

I cleaned the appartment today, so it feels nice and cozy. I think I’ll retreat to a corner, listen to the Pet Shop Boys, and read some philosophy before going out to party.

I’m back to my lonely life. Maybe thats a good thing….

My cravings won’t go away. They simply cling to me like a painful humidity. My mind won’t let go of Glenn. I know my heart won’t for a long time, but usually I can trick my mind into giving up on the game.

He’s in San Fransisco right now partying at one of the most famous bars in the world, and planning a wild weekend of promiscuity. I’m okay with this, I really am. I couldn’t care less. Its the helplessness that I feel that’s really bothering me. I mean, if he was in Calgary, I could call him to see how he’s doing, or ask him to go for dinner, or a movie, or drinks. He’s far away now though, and there’s nothing I can do, but wait for him to return and tell me all his stories. Tell me as though they don’t effect me emotionaly.

I think I’m okay. I watched the movie “Billy’s first Hollywood screen kiss” and the theme hit home with me. I’m talking right to the core of my soul. I almost burst into tears when one character tells Billy that he was completely in love with him, but knew there was nothing he could do about it, so he eventually just learned to love him in a different way.

That’s what my mind is all about right now. I need to wrap my head around the idea that I completely adore and love Glenn….as a friend. I do already, but these feelings are wrapped up in ribbons of lust, and untangling these two concepts will take what seems like an eternity.

Even worse is Ross. It seems as though every day the tension between us thickens. We know each others feeling towards Glenn, and it hurts Ross. I really, truly think it does. Every day we walk a tightrope of emotions, continually going forward and backing off the topic, trying to keep a balance. I feel as though things are about to explode between us.

Especially when Adrian has told me I have two days to decide whether to keep or fire Ross. Always fun to do such a thing to your best friend.

Isn’t Glenn my best friend now though. Well, maybe not to him, but definately to me. I can open up to him. Be myself. Feel comfortable. Have a blast! Isn’t that what friends do? Isn’t that what lovers do?

I wish I could get onto another topic, but this is all there is for me these days. Ask me what happened at work today, and I won’t even be able to tell you. I’m not mentally there, and all I can do is my job and then go home to think of Glenn more.

I simply can’t wait for Glenn to get back from San Fransico. I’m interested in what he did and saw. I can’t wait to see pictures. I can’t wait to be with him again. I think I’m maturing though, because I can honestly say that I mean all this as a friend.

Of course, there’s always that irrational voice and probe in the back of my head. The probe is always searching for miniscule coincidental information to prove he has feelings for me, and the voice is talking like a football coach, “Don’t give up, he’s all yours for the taking! You just have to want it BAD enough!!!”

Thank God for my rational voice that always laughs at my irrational voice/probe.

What hurts the most, is that I’m sick of one sided love. Even if its just for a couple weeks, I simply want someone to be mutually attracted to me. It could be Glenn or anyone, I’m just sick of being lonely!

Don’t worry, I won’t claim to be the only one!