Nurse Sean (dot) com

So, its been a fairly normal couple of days. Friday I worked until 2:00pm, and then headed out to buy a new pair of shoes for myself. It wasn’t too much of a crazy experience aside from dodging snobby buisness men. Shopping downtown is such an experience. At one point I walked into a fairly upscale store, and the salesman was so snobby and condescending when he said hello, that I basically just walked right back out. At the Roots store I found the perfect pair of shoes that I absolutely loved, in my size, for $120.00. Now, I don’t go and ask for help in retail stores, they should come to me. I stood by the pair of shoes for about ten minutes while a snobby guy folded ugly sweatshirts and tried to ignore me. So, I left. I went to payless shoes and bought some boots for $35.00.

Dan came over Friday night to spend the weekend. We ordered some Chinese food, and sat and chatted for awhile before I went to bed at 8:00pm.

Saturday was a normal weekend day at work. I opened and then Ross started at 8:00am. I must say that I really am enjoying working with Ross. Its nice to have someone to check out men with. Ross always loves to mention that our staff includes, two fags, two morman girls, and a pregnant catholic girl. An interesting mix, but somehow we all manage to get along and have fun.

love mormons, always have. I’m not quite sure why they’re the but of so many jokes. I find that they are absolutely no different than everyone else on the planet, they just happen to be much more strict with their religious beliefs. You wouldn’t really know they are mormon though unless they told you. I’ve even worked with a Jehova’s witness before, and found that he was a blast to work with. I wonder if Mormanism were the biggest sect of Christianity rather than Catholicism, or even protestantism, would everyone go around making jokes about every little beliefs that Catholics or Protestants have?

“Oh my GOD!!! Did you hear? Catholics burn INSENCE in their churches! GASP! They are SOOOO sick! And they speak LATIN sometimes! I just don’t get them….its such a cult!”

Oh well, I’m sick of this topic, and I’m sick of being the atheist defender of mormon beliefs. I’m sick of my roomate telling me that its a cult and that all mormons should be shot. (Don’t worry, he means it jokingly, but still, not all do).

I guess I just sympathize, because when I was heavy into paganism, as I still tend to be at times, it really hurt me when I heard a news report, or read somewhere, that my religion is evil, and that I worship the devil. I was tired of hearing people slash my religion as a cult, as ridiculous, as the stupidest, sorriest excuse for a religion ever! I suppose when I hear someone say these things about any religion, I just feel those hurt feelings being conjured up inside me and automaticaly feel the need to defend whichever religion it is.

Anyways, Saturday night we went out to the bar, but it was ridiculously boring. I spent a good majority of the evening doing absolutely nothing but sipping a beer and watching the world go by. I went with Dan, and Paul (who broke up), and Jason. They seemed to be having a good time, so I didn’t want to be the annoying bratty one who makes everybody go home, because I was bored. I refuse to be that person. Well, until everyone wanted to go for breakfast at 4:00am and I said no way! I had to be up at 10:00am!

Sunday was boring. I worked the closing shift for the first time in about a month. It actually felt good to be back in my old shoes as the closer. I made sure I did a better close than anyone else could do. And yes, I talked to the counters as usual,

“Are you doing ok, have the closers been taking good care of you, it looks like they’ve been missing this spot! Let me just wipe that off for you…coochy…coochy…cooooooo”

Ok, so I’m a little crazy, but that’s what tends to make me fairly adorable.

*note to self…change user pic, it makes you look like a cute little femmy twink….must be masculine!*

Sunday night Ross and I went to Boyztown to sit in our usual seats and make fun of the drag show. We had our usual few too many beers, but had a great time.

Dan was there (not the Dan from earlier in the post, but the one I was in love with that moved to Toronto then back, don’t bother trying to keep up with the Dan’s in my life….there’s just too many! Five or so at last count). For the first time since he got back, him and I really chatted. Not just casual “hello’s” to each other, or “Are you having a good time” or “Woah…you look happy”. We actually chatted.

I don’t mean it was about anything in particularily deep. Mostly about the trade show he’s working at in a couple weeks. Its a sex show. Aparantly there’ s going to be porn stars, and condom companies, lube sample, drag queens, dildo’s! I simply MUST go! He even gave me VIP passes!

God that reminded me of old times. I always got VIP passes from him so that I could go visit him at his shows. I honestly think I’m still in love with the guy. I think I tucked away all feelings for him in some dark and dusty corner so that I wouldn’t have to deal with them. Now that he’s back those feelings seemed to have wondered back. I still resist dealing with him, drowning myself in hopes that he’s really really actually in love with me and that obviously we will be together.

Delusional? N’est Pas? Je suis un peu psycho? Non, Je suis juste un petit dans amore….Je pense. Pourquoi est-ce que je peu ecrivez dans francais maintnant?

Sorry about that, once I start, I can’t stop. And pardon the horrible french grammer. Its been a heck of a long time.

So, Monday I woke up with one heck of a hangover/lack of coffee. I dressed right away, ignoring the fact that I was hornier than fucking hell, and headed downtown to pick up my brand new glasses. So, there I was fighting the snobby buisness crowd again. I was in and out of there pretty darn quickly though. Although, I’ve been consitantly nauseous and have had a headache because of the new prescriptions, its great that I can see again! WOO HOO!

Last night Jason, Dan, and I went to Boyztown to see queer as folk. Definately a good episode. I was still horny as hell though. Dan and I almost went to the bathhouse to “relieve ourselves” with whomever came along. We decided that a Monday night would be rediculously slow, and went home instead.

Thats when I went to bed, and woke up in today.

Leo’s Rain

I’m so tired of these coffee withdrawl symptoms. Its mostly just a headache. I don’t feel cranky, or tired, but I just can’t handle these headaches. They are the slow rolling, gently throbbing, but excrutiating type. My eyes feel as though they will soon explode. Asprin doesn’t help. All I know is that if I don’t drink coffee it will be with me until the end of the day. I try to resist coffee, but I never succeed. Perhaps I should make a game of seeing how many hours it takes for me to give in. Probably at 4pm, when I go to work.

Today is inventory day, which is neither exciting or horrifying. More of a pain in the ass. I just sit there and count things one by one. Everything in the store. I have it mostly down to a science, and I am capable of finishing in under three hours sometimes. Today I’ll probably stretch it out and go slowly. I lost an eight hour shift to do this!

Yesterday was almost completely uneventful at work. I did the normal making coffee routine for six hours to the same customers as always, then went for lunch in the staff caffeteria. For the rest of the day I transfered orders and put them away - nicely because I have to count them today.

We do have one customer right now who’s staying in the hotes and is extremely good at sending shivers down my oh so receptive spine. He’s six foot something. He’s a big guy, but one of those big guys that are neither muscular, or fat. They seem just utterly perfect for their body. He’s someone who could wrap me in his arms and swallow me in a hug. He has an average face, but a beautiful accent comes out of his mouth. Southern states somewhere. I’m guessing Texas, but only because thats where most buisness travellers to Calgary come from. The quirky thing about him his the hat he wears. Its an Australian hat. He wears it all the time. I’ve decided that I have a weakness for Aussie hats. His name is Malcom, which I know from a simple peek at his Credit card.

Goodness I’m horny now! I just realized that I wrote enough detail about Malcom that anyone who knows him would be able to identify him. Oh well. Maybe he’ll see my journal and fall in love with me for ever! Well, dreams come true - just not this big, and not for me:)

Last night Dean’s ex roomate brought over two bags of clothes that Dean had left us when he went back to Ottawa. It was absolutely a blast. Jason and I each got a few extra oufits. We had a laugh of a time dressing up in some of the more exotic items Dean had. I found a neat sort of see through shirt that I love. I don’t know if I’ll ever get the guts to wear it. Mostly because I have a gut that prevents me from wearing it. And you can see my nipples in certain light. Jason said it looked quite sliming on me. Perhaps I’ll give it a try one day.

It seemed strange though when one of your best friends in the world is reduced down to only the clothes he wore. He never calls or emails us. All we know is that people we know in Ottawa have seen him out partying. I’m the type of person that has an easier time not talking anymore. I need to repress the sadness so that I won’t have to feel it. Is that healthy? I doubt it.

Argh! I spent two years repressing sadness that I felt towards Dan leaving. Just when I finaly had it perfectly repressed. Here he is, in my face. I have do deal with my emotions towards him again.

I think I’m going to watch a bit of Daytime television, eat lunch and create a new hairstyle for myself. Then its inventory time.

Leo

Today felt as though it were a dream - as a matter of fact it still does. I woke up feeling an incredible sense of doom. It was 7:00am and The darkness of the world seemd heavier than usual. I almost felt as though I were having a panic attack. I checked my clocks about a million times, because I almost felt as though I had woken up late. It was that type of adrenaline rush that I was feeling.

Of course, it could have been that I only had about three hours of sleep and I really wasn’t awake at the time, but I was sure I was still amidst a dream.

As I drove to work, the cars surrounding me almost looked like ghosts that were trying to attack me. I paid no attention, but the sense of dread was still there. I simply knew that when I got to work, something horrible would be wrong.

I got to work. Absolutely nothing was wrong. I don’t think, because although it was only a few hours ago, I barely remember anything about it. I know I was there, and I know I worked hard. Its seems so much like a blur. Much like my old party days when I’d go out with five different drugs in my system (ok, so I’m including aspirin, nicotine, caffein, ephedrine, alcohol and pot. Nothing to major, but trust me there was a buzz…and a deffinate fuzzyness to the evening.)

I got home and filled my bath tub with water and essential oils, burnt some incense, lit some candles and slipped in. Even that created anxiety. I couldn’t relax because I knew My roomate could be home any second and for some reason I felt too shy to be having a bath with him around. So, I gave up on that.

I tried comfort food. linguini and pesto sauce, cucumbers and salt, and cinnamon toast for dessert. Ok, so that worked. So did relaxing and reading my friend’s journals.

*waves to everyone*

This is definately the strangest normal day I’ve ever had!

On a lighter note, the mormons and I while working decided to start a busking group that does improv. Who knows if we’ll ever do it, but it sounds like fun, and I would do it in a second! We even practiced all day to the delight of some - well most - of our customers.

Queer as Folk was a blast to watch last night. It was Jason, Harvey, and two of Harvey’s work mates that watched it with me at the bar. The whole bar yelled at Brian when he was mean, and cheered for what’s her face when she asked Melanie to marry her in front of her homophobic family. We jumped for joy when Justin made is appearance. Good times.

Well, pretty simple couple of days, but definately not void of any value. If it wasn’t such a blurry, dreamlike day, I’m sure it would have been a blast. I think I was even productive.

Leo

Its been a quiet, easy, soothing couple of days. I’ve mostly just watched television and read my book. I’m reading Armand by Anne Rice. So far its good, but its been a hundred pages of gay sex. Not that this is a bad thing. I simply wish she would get on with it!

I was supposed to spend ample time writing my novel, painting, and reading - all that artsy stuff I sometimes feel the urge to do. I tried to write in my novel, but I’m starting to become self concsious and hate what I write. I tried painting, and hated what came out of my hands. And every time I tried to read, I would fall asleep.

I think its just too quiet around here. It always feels that way after a weekend of having numerous friends around. Always chatting, laughing - you know, friends stuff. I’m actually completely alone in my appartment, and I have no idea what to do with myself. I have absolutely no urge to do those things which usually keep me busy.

I suppose I could cruise the internet for casual sex, but that would involve gaining myself a sex - drive. As I’ve said, its all but gone. I watched some porn today. I got hard, but still no desire to have sex…or even masturbate. I was horny last night and was just about to masturbate when Jason came home. I just can’t do it with him in the room. The urge waned however, and in the end it didn’t matter, I just rolled over and went to sleep.

I actually left the house yesterday which surprised me. Usually I tend to stay in all the next day and then only shower and stuff when its time to go out again. I went for coffee with Alex, Jason, and one of Alex’s teacher friends. I can’t remember her name. We just sat and talked. Boring conversations in which they bordered on being intellectual. Stuff like “On my god…like…when a guy dates a guy…they’re like totally equal unlike man and women” and responses like “Yah, well, I knew two guys where one was like the women and one was like the man….in a straight relationship.”

I mean, we’re talking about an interesting phenomenon, but is it so hard to do more than scratch the surface. I’ve learned not to dig deeper myself. I’m ten years younger than all my friends, and they’ll just look at me with a “hello, did we say you could talk” look.

I know my friends are smarter than I make them sound. I hate dumb people, so they wouldn’t be my friends unless they were fairly brilliant. They just come accross as shallow people who assume they know everything. Occassionaly Jason and I will have fairly deep conversations. we’ll just sit on the couch with no tv or music or computers and just philosophize about everything. Alex however, talks only of boys. Everything has to do with either gay gossip, or who is or isn’t sexy. Now, I know Alex is a brilliant man, but you have to dig deep to find it in him.

Well, I’m not sure where I’m going with this rant about the conversations of my friends, or how it started. That’s what happen’s when you decide to write a post with no subject matter prepared.

I’m going to the bar later. I know this sounds like a strange thing to do on a Monday night, but its the premier of Queer as Folk tonight and in our old tradition, we’re going to watch it on the big screen with a beer in one hand and a basket of popcorn in the other. I’ve been waiting forever to find out what’s going to happen to all the characters, especially the annoying Justin. Will he live? Of course, but how will the incident of him getting beat up with a bat play out…hmmm….

Ok, so I’ve run out of things to write about, and now I have to figure out what the heck I’m going to do now. I have no urge to watch television. Perhaps I’ll read, but I really don’t feel like falling asleep. I think I’ll see who’s in the gay.com chatrooms.

I think I shall burn some incense.

Leo’s Rain

So, last night at the bar was pleasant. I had four beers and had a good time. Dan said I looked drunk…for Dan who’s always high on hash and mostly drunk…I just didn’t know what do think about that.

Actually he said “You look like you’re having a good time”, but he said it in the way that implies drunken debauchery.

Why am I dwelling on Dan again? I promised - no warned myself - not to become involved with him on any level. Its just hard when at one time you felt so deeply in love with someone, who left you mid-love. No closure. No gentle “Its not you its me”. He just left. And now he’s back. And it feels like we should be exactly where he left me. I keep having to remind myself that I’m dilusional, and that I’m not in love with him anymore.

Sure, I have feeling there for him. Just not love. We have a history, a friendship that hurt too much to go on - for myself anyways. One day I just stopped calling him, because it hurt too much, and I wasn’t interested in the hot eighteen year old that bought him roses.

Too touch him though, is simply strange. When I hug him, its as though there is a warmth and a coldness all at once. A hunger for our friendship, but a desperate need to release him all at once.

I just want to hold him and rub my fingers in his hair. Stroke his moustache. I need to prove to myself that someone I thought I would never see again is standing right in front of me.

Its like losing your favorite object, and then as soon as it was mourned, forgotten and replaced…there it is amongst a drawer. You doubt you’re seeing what you’re seeing. You searched every inch of your house. You prayed it would come backe to you. You cried because it meant so much to you. But after time, you were alright. And then there it is. But its broken now. Its not the same object you once cherished. Once again you mourn for what it once was. A time comes though when that broken treasure simply becomes garbage. The memory lives on I’m sure.

So, yes Dan was out last night, and I felt more emotionaly attatched to him than usual. I must let him go though and treasure my memory of our time.

The family is out for brunch, except for Billy who found his way home with a little hottie from Halifax. I sit and shake off the fogginess of the night before, and nurse my headach with Starbucks coffee - Verona. Smoky, Sweet, Bold. I’ll probably head out for coffee with them later if the urge hits me. I’d like to relax, read, work on my novel, perhaps paint a little. I’ll probably go for coffee though.

Today is Ross’s first day working without me. I hope he’s doing ok. He should just be getting off right around now. He must like working there, because he didn’t show up for his bouncer shift at boyztown lastnight. He’s working with Lucy though, and I hope she’s not too grumpy to him, because he’ll be even grumpier back.

I need to get laid. I just can’t find my sex drive anymore. No, really, its gone! I just can’t feel any desire for sex. Is that strange? Does it happen to other people? People keep making fun of me, because I’m not a promiscuous slut who sleeps around with ever second man to fulfill my self esteem issues. I’m I the strange one for being a wee bit picky about who I sleep with? However, I mean I have no sex drive AT ALL the last few months except for the random day here and there. Not that I’m innocent. I’ve had my moments of depsperate need.

I need love. Its just not coming though, and I’m convinced its because I don’t try. I can’t be bothered to hurt myself again. If I need sex, I know where to get it. If I need love, I have my family and my “family”. My experiment to see if men will come to me is a HUGE failure.

Perhaps its time for this lion to go on the hunt again!

As I stood on the balcony and looked in I saw my friends. Billy watched tv as he decided what to wear to the cowboy dance. Jason and Jeremy did dishes while Alex put things away. I smoked my smoke and felt deliciously happy.

I felt as though I were a father who’s family had come together for a special occassion. Although I don’t feel any need or desire to spend ample amounts of time with actual family, desperately miss these guys when they’re gone. Alex lives in Red Deer, Jason in Edmonton. I wish they could be here always.

I asked in circle to finaly feel love this year. I think I do, tremendously. I have what I asked for. Of course I was entirely wishing for more intimate love, but I’ve done some exploring on the spiritual level and realized that I need to learn love before I can practice it proffessionaly - so to say.

I don’t often talk of my spiritual side, because these days I’m so unsure of it. I don’t know whether it exists at all let alone how it manifests itself. I’ll just continue on my path, I don’t seem to need more than it gives me.

So, the boys are safely on their way to the party, and I sit at home listening to Kalie Manogue “Can’t get you out of my head”. Am I the only one who finds this song hypnoticaly erotic to dance to at the bar. I will always have the image of Harvey’s twisted, lusty face as we danced to this song stuck in my head. I’ll be heading out to boyztown later on to party on down and see how the gay world has been doing without me.

Perhaps Dan will be there, and I can stare at him in depression. Carefully not letting him know I’m lusting still. Planning my visits to his spot on the steps so that he doesn’t think I’m desperate to be with him.

I am

I just want things to be as they were two years ago. But different…better…now.

Ok, so I want things to be totally different. But, I want them to be totally different WITH Dan. God, if people only knew how pathetic I am sometimes. Its been two years…why can’t I get over Dan.

However, he is a main character in the novel I’ve been writing. I’ve been writing our story in brief and all my feeling then and when he left for Toronto. I’m finding it very theraputic.

*sigh*

Over all…I’m utterly happy. Completely. Mostly. I’m as happy as I could ever possibly be given my current stations in life - work, love, friends, etc. What more could I ask for than the solidifying of my feelings towards my friends as family.

Although…Jason’s been acting wierd lately (roomate Jason). I almost feel like he’s mad at me all the time, but trying to hide it. Oh well, it wouldn’t be me without paranoia creeping in at every possible crack.

On another note, this one ethical. Billy, who was here having dinner, has a livejournal. He doesn’t know I have one (as far as I know), but I’ve been reading his lately. Now, I’m not sure if I should be reading his. I mean, it really is personal, and I feel that livejournals aren’t meant for people you know, but for you and any stranger that feels like experiencing your life. So, should I forget his journal exists. Not likely…I’m a curious person. I could tell him about my livejournal and put him on my friends list. That wouldn’t be fair to either of us. We have all the same friends, and I’d always have to be walking on eggshells, constantly careful of what I’m saying. He’d probably feel the same way. What the hell should I do? Maybe I’ll just continue on as a spy. It makes me feel so dirty though….

dirty can be fun though;)

I’m very tired, but I should feel better soon. I just took a nap and now I’m fighting the urge to go back to sleep. I was up for work at 4:00am, so a nap was necessary.

Work was fairly good. I was working with Ross today on a day that I would normaly be working by myself. Thank goodness he was there, because it was darn busy! It was still a good day though and we got lots done.

I’m going out to the bar tonight. Its the gay rodeo dance tonight, but I’ve decided not to go and check out cowboys. Besides, they’ll all be at the bar later anyways. I really just don’t like the dances. All the cowboys tend to get snobby and people you are friends with won’t talk to you anymore. Its crowded and you can’t move around. And! They serve beer in cans! EEEEWWWW!

So, not much is happening in my life these days, I’ve simply been working to much again to have a life. Alex, Jeremy, Billy and Jason will be here for supper, so I believe it will be a good evening. If I can wake up.

I feel like sleep is becoming part of my time table…

“Yes Mr. Sleep…I can fit you in for three o’clock, but only for two hours, no more no less…however…I can also fit you in from nine o’clock until ten o’clock. Does that work for you Mr. Sleep?”

Oh well. I can do without sleep. Its just that the bar is a lot less fun when you’re sitting in a corner with a beer in one hand trying desperately to stay away, because you’ve promised yourself you would have a good time.

Hopefully Dan will be there. I love partying with him. So far I haven’t been too distraught emotionaly about seeing him all the time again. Its just that when he lived in Toronto it was so much easier to forget about him.

His eyes are still beautiful though.

*sigh*

So, I’ve always prided myself on my ability to love everyone. People have compared me to Jesus in my ability to find the good in everyone. There is nobody who I wouldn’t be friends with. Spend some time having beer with.

I remember when a friend told me he was going to jail.

“Why???” Was my obvious response.

He always seemed like a good guy. One of those ravers types, but still bareable to hang out with. I even had a crush on him for awhile. He was darn cute and cuddly.

“I had sex with a five year old”

Yah…so…how do you respond to that!

“Then I’m glad you’re going to jail!” I thought it was a most appropriate reaction.

“Me too…I have a problem…I’m sick! I need help!

“You sure as hell do!”

“You’re uncomfortable with this aren’t you?” He was high on a heck of a lot of stuff, so it almost seemed absurd how casual he was about all of this.

“Well yah! You just told me that you’re a pedophile who preys on innocent children!”

“You hate me”

“no, I just want you to get help. I’ll stick by you as much as I can as your friend.”

He hugged me.

Now, every person in this city abandoned him. There were even “witch hunts” of people trying to find him and all but kill him. People he didn’t know.

I embraced him.

Why though, do I hate Amanda at work. Utterly. I mentioned this to my roomate and he was shocked! He wondered if I was feeling ok. Me, not liking someone! More so hating them!

I just hate her. I have reason. Most of the incidents my fault. I just cringe at the sight of her, wanting to grab a sharp object and thrashing it into her thousands of times (not literally! In case you’re a cop).

She’s the sweetest girl though. Innocent, friendly, fun….I used to love her to death!

What happened.

Why did hate choose to rear its ugly head and face towards her?

Why can’t I love her like I do the crack-head murderer on the street corner.

Of course I mean love in the sense that every living thing, and person should be embraced and taken care of. The poor should be fed, the sick healed. The lonely befriended.

I have the feeling that this athiest is starting to sound like a Christian.

Its been ages.

Since Christmas eve I believe.

I’ve never been so busy in my entire life, however things are quieting down.

A few highlights:

Christmas Day was horribly boring. I just sat around and watched episodes of Sopranos that I got on DVD for Chritmas. My Dad read, and my mom cooked. Nothing special at all.

That begun the week of socializing. At one point we were up to six people staying in our appartment. We cooked and cleaned for them. Went out partying with them. Loving every minute.

Jason is a married man now. His boyfriend is Jason, and I adore him to death.

Dan married now too. Paul is his name.

Going to the bar on New Year’s Eve was horribly depressing when all my friends had someone to kiss and love, and I was alone. I just swung my noise maker and faked a smile.

I have a new car. A firefly instead of a truck, which is strange. I went from big to small. I absolutely adore my new vehicle though.

I’m back on day shifts permanantly at work now. No more night shifts and drunken nights at the bar the night before working. Thats impossible now with having to be up at 4:00am.

I nearly got fired on Jan. 14. Long story, but due to a technicality from almost a year ago, I’m still hanging onto my job by a single, thin thread.

I have begun writing the novel that will make me famous.

At least in my mind.

Its twenty pages long, and so far I’m fairly happy with it What an amazing amount of work it has proven to be. I’m determined to complete it though!

Then I will share it with the world. Or at least my friends.

There has been nothing overly emotional with my life, appart from the stress of fighting for my job. I’ve just been divulging myself in mundane tasks.

When my novel reaches the supernatural and scary, I’ll begin to explore once again the vast darknesses in life. I can’t wait.

I can’t wait to write more, and that’s why my journal has suffered. All my writing strength has been given to my novel.

Oh well.

I’ll try and share:)

Leo