Nurse Sean (dot) com

I was coaching my friend on the art of game playing, in reference to his two week old relationship. Just like everyone, he hates when people plays games on him. I stated, “When it comes to playing games, it is automatic. To the player, its just the reality of doing what he has to do. To the playee, he needs to decide whether to take it or let it go. If he’s worth it. Take the game, and make your move.”

Of course, he’s above the game, and would never play games. Instead he decided to ignore the guy for a couple days and see if he calls him back. Let him make up his mind. See if he misses me. Of course I pointed out that he was playing the game of love himself.

“No I’m not” he replied, “I’m just giving him time”

“I told you, to the one playing the game, its not a game. Its dead serious!” I say, assuming I’m the smartest person ever.

“oh, I guess”, He grunts. See, I AM the smartest person ever. Well, at least let me think so.

Speaking of games of love. My roomate had his fuckbuddy/friend/guy he’s “seeing”, call him his boyfriend today. Of course, this gave him quite a shock, because he’s been slutting around lately without a second thought towards how seriously this guy felt about their relationship. Of course, Jason’s right. They’ve only known each other for two weeks. How could they possibly be in love, or even think about being officially boyfriends. Honestly, I think Jason his almost head-over-heals for the guy but is afraid to reject his single, swinging life for some guy who happens to live a two hour drive away. Jason, SEX ISN’T EVERYTHING! Sometimes I worry about you and your need for it. Is that where your self esteem comes from? Settle down, and fall in love.

Savannah from work has fallen into the deepest, most innocent puppy love. Yes, my two favorite mormons are gone with the wind towards the land of happy ever after. Savannah shines with a light I’ve never known. Like the angels on that tv show that light up with a glow that comes from nowhere when they reveal their true nature as angels. She is one of those people that I made an instant, immediate connection with. She will be one of those people that touches my life and leaves to touch anothers life. Disappearing, again, like an angel. She told me today that after two weeks of dating, her and her love are planning to get married. I believe her. There is a glow in the air around them I’ve never known before. I know they are meant to be together even more than they do. They are beautiful, they are one. Just witnessing this love made me joyful. There’s something about these two. Perhaps angels do exist. Shoot, I thought I was an atheist!

Let me tell you, if an angel showed up and found me a man, not a perfect man, but one that will make me glow like Savannah, with that look in her eyes, I will eat a bible and digest its every word into memory!

Isn’t it amazing what can happen in two weeks. I wonder what I’ll be doing in two weeks. Will I be in love? Will I be confused? Will I be scared to be called a boyfriend? All of the above?

Why question it. Just stand back from life and enjoy the connections, and puzzles that continualy fall into place, and the order that scatters into a million puzzles. Laugh at the absurdity of chaos….preach to yourself.

Leo

I sit at my desk again with the snow covering the city. My curtains are closed to block out the sun this time. I sit here in the hazy glow of a hangover. The faint throbing headache, and the heavy eyes. I want to sleep for hours with faint music in the background. Tori Amos, or Catie Curtis. I don’t have time though, I need to start planning my day. I have cigarettes to buy, Harry Potter to see, Lord of the Rings to read, and hours and hours of schoolwork that I can’t stop neglecting.

I know I’ll buy smokes, maybe see the movie, but I’m sure I won’t get to schoolwork. As long as I relax. I’m in the home-stretch of this semester of school, and I can’t give up. I’m exhausted though. My tarot cards keep pushing me ahead though, exposing my strength to go on and letting me know that this isn’t rock bottom. It feels like it though. I never have energy.

The bar was great last night. I went with Dean and met at the backlot for crantinis. That was a mistake, because ever since getting absolutely drunk on many many crantinis I have troubles drinking them without getting nauseous. I had two, and of course became nauseous. Two amazing looking men were there though, and one of them, the better looking of the two, even smiled and said hello. What did I do? I quickly proclaimed “We better get going to the bar”. I ran away from a man again. The more the are attracted to me the more scared I get. I should have stopped and talked to him.

At boyztown, I had a beer to relieve the nausea from the crantinis, and watched the drag show, and a hot man. Dean said I should talk to him. I laughed and mentioned that “he should know me better than that by now”. I’m the shy one! I swear! Most people, to know me, would never accuse me of shyness.

So, we just sat around and chatted. Dean is moving to Ottawa in two weeks, and I almost broke down in tears at the thought of loosing another friend. Its seems the more someone means to me, the more they change my life, the more likely it is that they will leave and be gone soon. Its almost as though people are put on earth to teach you certain lessons, and show you new things, but a life time with these people wouldn’t be possible. They have other lives to touch. Other people to take care of. They are like angels that are gone before you even realize how much they mean to you. And no matter how much you swear you’ll stay in touch, and plan trips to visit, you always become different people, and even chatting on the internet becomes as distant as the miles between you. Thats just life though.

I saw the hot man from the backlot come in and sit down all alone. I stared, and stared, and stared. Pleading with some force that he would come talk with me. He had such a beautiful smile, a nice cuddly, football player style body. I was distracted though, Ross came in and was looking fairly disheveled…for a gay bar anyways. He sat down and ordered four double high balls, and put them in front of himself. He was having man troubles. I didn’t even know he was dating anyone, but he is and it may be ending. I ignored the hot guy that I wanted to talk to and joined Ross. We talked for a couple hours, and I drank with him. And drank. And drank. And drank. When I’m depressed, I love it when I decide to get wasted, I adore when someone decides to get drunk with me and dispell all crappy emotions we’re feeling. I think Ross felt a little better by the end of the night, and we were laughing and having ice fights with the staff. We watched the lights come up and the music stop. We had drinken the night to an end. I hardly noticed when my hot guy went home with a fifty year old drag queen. We just laughed and spread the gossip around…like any good gay man would:)

I left the bar and drove home, slipping and swirving on the icy roads. I was smiling though. I love good nights at the bar with good friends, rather than nights where sex, and love are the only thoughts on your mind. I got home, changed, threw up for awhile, and passed out. Not a single dream. Life was too good.

I’m sitting here at home, with the world as far as I can see it, buried in thick, beautiful snow. Its brighter than usual at night, with the city lights reflecting of the clouds and the snow and everywhere.

Life, for the past week has been nothing but mundane. Waking up, going to school, going to work, going to bed, and repeat. Finaly this weekend I got a day off and was able to go out to the bar. Unfortunately, it seemed that all my friends were either in Edmonton, or scared off by the snow. So, it was a peaceful night, which was disappointing, because I was ready to drink and dance with friends and have a wonderful time.

I’ve been a lot more desirous of sex as of late. I’m not sure what it is, but something has been stirred in me that hasn’t been around for awhile. A sex drive that is. Usually I just listen to my friends stories of promiscuity and record breaking numbers of partners and number of times. I wonder a lot about these people, almost in disgust. Not because I care that their promiscuous, I just worry about the fact that their entire life revolves around sex. Are they the strange ones, or am I for caring little about it and going months and months without sex without feeling horrible about it. And with the way they talk about it, I feel often that I’m trapped in one of those horrible teen movies. My sex drive is back though, and perhaps I’ll be back on the “proper” path to promiscuity soon.

I’ve been reading “Lord of the Rings” for the first time. If I had known how amazing these books were, I would have devoured them long ago. The world that is created from simple pages is astounding and when I put down the put I feel that I’m I’m dreaming and that this fictional world is reality.

The Calgary Stampeders won the grey cup today! YAY! I think its the first football game I’ve watched since the last time the Stampeders were in the grey cup. I was more intrigued with the gorgeous amounts of big rugged football players than the actual game though. How cliche is that?

I’m going out to have a couple crantinis with Dean this evening. When in the company of Dean, it is guaranteed that a good time shall follow. So, I’m tired, but I’m trying to muster all the energy I possibly can so that I can dance for a few hours. Actually, its the drag show tonight, so by the time we can dance, we’ll probably be bored and want to go home. We’ll see how the night goes. I’m supposed to go to classes tomorrow, however, if the night goes as planned, I’ll be having to much fun to go to bed early and I’ll be forced to sleep through class.

As you can see, there isn’t much on my mind other than day to day existence right now. Perhaps now that I’m back home and not in Kensington, I am uninspired. I love this place. Its home. I have troubles activating my creativity here, because it is a place associated with rest, relaxation, and peacefulness.

I simply need a crazy emotional event to take place so that I can write endlessly about it for days on end!

Leo

I did something today that I haven’t done in awhile. When my alarm went off, I managed to convince myself, in a half comatose state, that school wasn’t as important as sleep. So, I reset my alarm to noon and slept through school. Of course, when I woke up, I wasn’t too pleased with my stupidity. However, considering I used to do this every couple of days, I shouldn’t be too mad at myself. Its been years since I’ve done this routine. I literally have a conversation with myself weighing the pros and cons of sleeping versus going to work, school, or anything else I’m supposed to do, and somehow, sleep always wins.

So, finally up, I watched Regis and Kelly flipped through the first porn magazine I ever bought. Buying porn is really embarrasing! At the store I browsed the magazines and saw the one I liked. I worked up all my courage and brought the magazine to the counter and with a smile I said “This will be everything”, wondering if there was any possibility that she might not see what the magazine was. I even created a story about a friend who was looking for this particular magazine and couldn’t find it, so I just HAD to buy it for him. I didn’t have to use the story though, she just rang it through like it was a pack of gum and wished me on my way. I’m sure she giggled after I left, but I was LONG gone.

Work was incredibly busy today. There is some sort of convention in town, and its really throwing us for a loop. Even with our recent staff increases, we’re still not keeping up with demand. I used to pray that our store would pick up buisness and we could all keep our jobs. Now its just stressful! Too much buisness, in too short a day.

Lucy is hilarious these days. She’s about four months pregnant, and instead of having huge mood swings, she’s stuck in “bitchy cow mode”. It only pisses her off more when I laugh at her mean statements, and comments that only a drag queen should be able to think of. Does that mean I’ll stop teasing her. Not even a chance. I’m just as good at taking it as I am at dishing it out, and trust me, I have to take it!

I had to watch “Dangerous Liasons” tonight for a sociology project. Great movie, but I just was NOT in the mood for such an intense drama and I found my mind wondering too much. A very bad thing to be happening when the story lines are as complex as they were. I’ll probably have to watch it again before I write the paper. Hopefully I’ll be in the right frame of mind.

So, here I am on a Friday night wishing I could go to the bar. unfortunately for about the third weekend in a row I’m scheduled to work early on the weekend. I just have to continue convincing myself that its better this way. I save immense amounts of money. Also, the bar is more exciting when I DO get to go. Like I’ve said before, the lack of luxuruy makes luxury more luxurious.

I’m leaving my sister’s place in Kensington tomorrow. This session of house sitting is nearly over. I’ll miss Kensington. For the first time housesitting for my sister, I spent a lot of time just wanting to be home. I have created a home for myself and I missed it. This neighborhood grows on you fast though. All it takes is one walk. Browsing the used book stores and the numerable nick nack havens, and you can’t help but fall in love with the atmosphere. I bet that if I lived here, I’d grow bored of its style. So, perhaps its better if I make Kensington a luxury also.

I’m supposed to go to a friend of mine’s birthday celebration, and I truly want to. I just don’t have time. Between work, cleaning my sister’s appartment, doing laundry and moving back to my appartment, I just can’t make it. I’ve never felt this bad about not being able to make something I promised to be at. Probably because I rarely if ever don’t go to something I’ve promised to be at!

Anyways, just a lot of simple rambling about my mundane day. My “older brother” and “alternate self” from my previous post are still on my mind. I wonder if I should be more like them, or more like me. I always wanted an older brother to worship. Why does he have to be real? Or is that unhealthy?

Leo

I often feel that somewhere along the line fate offered me two choices and without knowing it, I took the wrong choice. Perhaps it was something simple like that day I decided to go to dairy queen instead of Mcdonalds. Or something bigger like deciding to quit a job.

I feel that the other path that lives beside me in a different dimension is the proper path, and all I can do is sit on the sidelines and watch. I picture the other me as waking up every morning and putting on a suit to go to work. He’s well built, confident, has a love life. He’s the perfect me.

I sat outside having a cigarette and gazed at the Calgary skyline and thought to myself, “I love this little life I have”. I have friends, I’m happy, I’m mentally successful, I have what I need, and I’ve never had to go against what I believe. Thats the perfect me.

Sometimes I wonder. My mother had a miscarriage a couple years before I was born. If she hadn’t, I wouldn’t exist. There would be someone else in my place. All my life I’ve imagined what this man would be like (It was a boy). He’d be about 25. He’d be extremely charismatic, and lovable, straight, very smart, very successful. A buisness man. High powered. Friendly, religious, he’d already have a beautiful wife and one kid. Mother and Father think he’s perfect.

Strange as it seems, I feel this other person walking with me through life, and laughing at me in the same way a jock snickers at the geeks. He haunts me and tortures me, because a terrible accident allowed me to be here, and not him, the true person that was meant to walk the earth.

Sometimes though he encourages me. He knows he will never be in this place, and as a big brother he helps me find the train track I’m supposed to be walking.

Thats his path though, not mine, and I struggle, in a zig-zag pattern between the two paths, trying to find home. Trying to decide between societies expectations, and my own desires.

My own id and ego are simply contructs of my imagination. Beings derived from what could have, or possibly should have been. From time to time, these alternate lives seem so real, and I feel so wrong for stealing them away from the world.

One thing has never bothered me in life thats tends to disgust, revolt, and a lot of the time scare people is the inner workings of human’s and all creatures for that matter. The only thing that ever bothered me was vomit. However, I spent a year working as a dishwasher years ago. My tasks included cleaning up after extrememly drunk people who had accidents in the bathroom. Now, although vomit wasn’t the only accident, I for the most part became quite used to the the sight and smell.

You may be wondering what my point is. Off and on for years now I’ve been attracted to the proffession of nursing (I know…how gay can you get), but never persued it. My grandmother was a nurse, and my mother wanted to be a nurse, but her disability got in the way. Perhaps job skills really are inbeaded in DNA. however, of course, seeing blood and guts is not the only skill. You need speed, intelligence, ability to relate to people positively, love for medical science, etc. I have these. The most important skill I believe, and Jason pointed this out was that you need to be able to become close to people without becoming emotionally commited (I wouldn’t spend a week in bed crying if a patient died) Although a fault in most parts of my life, I believe he’s right and this would be a valued asset.

I’ve actually applied to the nursing facutly. Rejected. I wanted it incredibly much at the time but was not willing to put in the time or effort to put into motion that which I wanted most to happen. Well, now I have the desire, will, and craving to put hard work in for what I want. Yet, now I don’t have the luxury of time, or money. I’m not sure I ever will again. Also there is my dream of earning my PhD. Lets be realistic though, I know I want that degree for all the wrong reasons, and I’m not sure I would eveb like the job, or be good at it.

Nursing though, I think I’d be great. I’m cheerful, and positive, calm, rational. Perhaps not detail oriented enough. The point is, I want it, again…still, and I’m willing to go for it. One of the best pieces of simple advice I ever got was, “you simply have to want it bad enough”. For the longest time I assumed that it was all a game of psychology, now I’ve learned that its more than that. Its adding the power of psychology to the perfection of ambition.

So, I’m just rambling, but its strange how I feel a calling to this particular career over many others. Perhaps I’ve simply, and finaly decided what I’d like to do with my life. Maybe one day. Just like all my dreams and plans. Maybe one day.

I decided a long time ago though to stop making plans so that life could just feel free to happen.

Thats getting boring though.

I’m vary reluctant to admit when my intuition is at its best. Sometimes I feel and know things that I won’t admit to feeling and knowing. Especially when it comes to very emotional subject matter for myself.

Intuition and sixth sense is a skill I’ve been working on for a long time, and I came to the conclusion that you either have it or don’t. I have it, but instead of clairvoyence, it comes mostly in the form of empathy. I easily know what other people are feeling, and I’ve been told by many people that my skill in life is to make them feel better. However, when it comes to strong self emotions, I seem to have even stronger powers of which I usually deny to others and myself.

What I’m getting at is that for about the fourth time, I knew that Dan came to town before I really knew that Dan came to town. In fact, if you read my previous journal entry you can read about an immense rush of emotions that occured around 10:00am, and have lasted on and off even until now. This just happens to be the time that Dan arrived in town.

More than that though, I’ve noticed my thoughts of Dan increasing over the last few days. Thinking of our past and reflecting on that portion of my journey in life. I remember a couple days ago thinking of a great moment we had and smiling. I was thinking intensly of the positive, not the negative. For the most part my thoughts of him have slowly diminished over the past couple of years, only to return in rushes and dreams right before he arrives in town. If you go way back in my journal you’ll read of a vivid dream I had of him and the unexpected emotional impact, and then his arrival a couple days later.

All I’m saying is that my intuition, empathy, and vision of the future is far from amazing, but it is still there, and hopefully It will increase over the years. I may be a good psychic one day after all…practice…practice…practice.

So, yes, Dan my past love is in town. The man that left me for work and party in Toronto with barely a warning. If you’re intersted in the story, feel free to search the journal. As allways, I wasn’t surprised to see him, and was glad to get a chance to say hi, get a hug, and kiss, and run away home to be depressed.

However, he is moving back to Calgary, a move that upsets me a little, simply for the fact that I never really got over him, he was just “out of sight, out of mind”. Yet another twist in my fate. I feel in the front of mind mind every urge to go after him again, but the back of my mind is laughing and throwing cold water of reality on me. Also, my tarot cards warned against taking actions. In fact they warned to just keep to myself in this matter. Still, you never know what will happen. I will keep my distance, and if Dan comes to me, we will see where it goes. Again, not likely, and I’m officialy typing this warning to myself. IGNORE HIM AND THE WHOLE SITUATION, YOU HAVE A BAD FEELIING ABOUT THIS.

Of course, I’m very bad at following my advice. What fun would going for the logical course of action be!?!?!?!?!

Riding the wheel of fortune is an interesting, and if you look at it from the right frame of mind, a fun trip.

WeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeee

Not such a good day today. I wrote a sociology exam today, and while I really do think I did good, I think I could have, and should have done better. I was hoping to keep an A average in that class, but I think that will slide a little lower. Then I was thrown into the pool of religious philosopy, drowning, expected to know how to swim. Strange how since I have absolutely no belief in anything but evolution, it has become extremely difficult to understand the creationist point of view. Why can’t they just admit their wrong instead of inventing complex, nonsensicle theories to fit evolution into religion. I need to put my feet in a fundamentalists shoes for a few days. The thought of me as a fundametalist, not likely.

Although, I have had the oddest thing happen to me lately. I’ve been craving highly structured religious dogma lately. Its strange how I can feel almost an instictual need for rules, and guidelines to form my daily life. I simply desire the ability when confronting a situation to reference a worldview that I’ve decided to stricty adhere to. As for now, I simply rely on impulse and self-desire. I make my own means and my own ends. Who ever said being an atheist/pagan (don’t worry, I plan to write a lengthy book on my religious beliefs to explain it all) is easy. Some say faith is hard. I seem to remember how easily it came to me in my days of bible studying. Rejecting faith in anything, not that is a difficult task. I’m starting to believe that feith is a natural instinct that humans feel they must act on. Perhaps that is what seperates us from animals.

I was riding the elevator in the parkade down to work when a sudden rush of desire flooded my being. I needed intimacy. I wanted a hug, a cuddle, a kiss, a longing look, a smile of enjoyment, a pat on the back. I wanted a relationship. I wondered where this came from since I’ve been absolutely lacking this desire for months now. I figured, maybe it was something that came and went, and here it was. I panicked at the thought that I was going to become a depressive person again longing for a man to control my emotions. I breathed a little heavier. Panick and desire are a strange combination.

The elevator started to stop at an unkown floor, and I began to think, “Isn’t this how lovers meet? Random chance encounters. Perhaps on an elevator!” As the elevetor slowed to stopped I felt the perfect man was about to enter the elevator with me. He could give me a lifelong hug, fulfill this sudden intimacy desire. We would be perfect together. He’d be rich, I’d be a sexy housewife. We’d adopt kids, but not too many. The elevator stopped.

The doors opened and I waited to see what fate would bring me. I waited. Nobody entered. Not a soul. The doors closed and the elevator continued its journey, with me all alone. My desire for intimacy instantly gone. Will it come back again. When, and why? I swear to all gods possible, that I’m happy with a couple friends, a tv, and a cat. Perhaps this is what empty elevators of fate dictate for me.

Perhaps these days of mundane transition are only a breather until the magickal day when everything comes together and I can see my life and future clearly, and I jump for joy, knowing that my life wasn’t a waste of my own, or anyone’s time.

Its been a week from absolute hell.

Starting last wednesday, I’ve had a throat infection that made stabbing my eyes out with a spoon sound life fun in comparison. Unfortunately, I had no choice, but to work due to lack of staff. So, with excrutiating pain, and a very slight ability to talk I went to work everyday that I was scheduled.

Everyone kept telling me to go home and rest. That I was too sick to work. Followed by “I’d work for you but….”. So, I suffered. Oh,lord did I suffer. Its a horrible feeling when you see a customer coming and you know that you are about to cause yourself intense pain just by saying hello. I almost broke down in tears once because a customer asked me directions to the airport.

My mother was horrified when she saw me Saturday. She said I looked like I was nearly dead (as did most people I ran into) and wondered if I should be driving. All I could say was “I actually feel relatively great today”.

Thank Goodness for my roomate who treated me like gold and made me tea and soup and gave me little chocolate treats. Thank goodness for my childhood blanket that comforted me when the pain kept me from sleeping. thank goodness I proved myself to be stronger than pain. This time. Although, it really did start to drain me emotionally. Lack of sleep, food, water, began to ware me down to the barest of energy levels. All I could do was glare at the tv in a semi comatose state.

Enough about that though, today I slept for many hours, got lots of water, and ate a lot of food. the pain is nearly gone, and my energy levels are back. I can’t wait to get out of the house tomorrow.

Once again I’m house-sitting for my sister in Kesington (Granolaville Calgary). I used to love staying here. This used to be an escape from my parents and dungeon basement. It used to be a place where I could stretch my wings. I’ve created a home for myself though, and I feel absolutely comfortable there in every way. As I sit here all I can think is that I wish I were back at my appartment where I belong.

Tomorrow, though, I’m going to take a strole through Kensington, I’m going to visit new-age books and crystal. Check out there tarot cards and runes, pagan books. Incense…so many types of incense. However, this time I will be unable to by anything. Instead I need to by myself milk so I can eat, oil so I can drive, and get money so I can park so that I can work.

I thought about it today. A few months ago, I would have gone on the same walk to the same bookstore, and would probably have come back with hundreds of dollars in books, tarot cards, insence. I could afford to waste a few hundred dollars here and there. Now, however, I’m completely restricted. And that makes me happy. I feel like a real person. I feel part of the human race. Down to earth. I love being just another struggling human being that has to save for a couple weeks if he wants something luxurious. A few months ago, I would have looked at those books for a few minutes then added them to my collection. Today, I would treasure them.

The simpler things in life are becoming more important to me. And because the simple things are the most important, I am more in touch with truth.