Nurse Sean (dot) com

I worked all weekend. Friday, Saturday, Sunday dayshifts. That equals no bar, no drinking, no partying, no friends, gossip, sex, men, cruising, searching for love. I was alright though. It was strange, but nice to have a weekend away from the bar. It reminds me that going and drinking and dancing is not a neccessity in life. Although, I can’t help but think “What if this is the weekend that the man of my dreams finally comes to the bar, and I’m not there to meet him”

Is that sad…I think so, but I’m not ashamed!

So, life goes on. Work is incredibly fun *sarcastic*. We have three employees that are trying to fill five employees worth of shifts. So, we’re all working every day this week. No fun.

I can’t wait until September to take my courses at the university. I’m finaly going back to school, and I have a friend there for moral support. Someone to slap me every time I think of skipping a class, or to punch me in the nose if I think about dropping out again. I’m taking sociology and religious studies. Yes…truly vocational majors that will certainly gaurantee me a job in my field! *chuckle*

I’m obsessed with reality television more and more every day to the point that almost all my television viewing and dreaming are occupied by visions of other people or myself being followed by cameras and watched by millions. I honestly can’t get enough of these shows! I highly recommend “Murder in small town x” Very interesting show in witch improvational actors become the citizens of a small town, and the contestents are trying to solve a muder mystery that took place in said town. Wonderful stuff. And Big Brother two is fabulous…They all hate each other and there’s a gay guy with too much hair! Absolutely fabulous!

I have a new cell phone! Its great! It has internet access on it, so I can browse the web! And if you email me at Leosrain@fido.ca, I get the message right on my phone! So everyone HAS to email me!

Wow…reality television and worthless electronics…I really am a sucker for commercialism! I’m a postmodern mass media drone…and I LOVE it!

What’s with me today? I know…insomnia…its finaly starting to drive me to insanity!

Must sleep…can’t sleep…must not sleep…

rubber walls

fun

WeeeEEEEEEEEeeeee

Brent never called. At least not for a long while. He called eventualy to apologize for not calling. Too little to late. I moved on, I embraced singlehood and the sanctity of friendships. He hasn’t called again. I haven’t called him.

I’m over him, relatively harmless. Over him in a different sense. We really left things hanging. Like reading a great novel, and putting it away because you didn’t like a paragraph. Who knows, the rest of the novel could be horrible, it could be great, but you know your life won’t be unfortunate if you never pick that book up again. So, still, I’m waiting for him to call. I’m not hoping, and praying for him to call though. I have better things to do.

I’ve worked eight days in a row and I’m exhausted. We’re grossly understaffed and those of us left are going insane trying to keep up with shift demands.

I got a great blow job last night.

I’m really quite content right now in my life. I’m looking forward to school in the fall and work isn’t as bad as it could be. I just have to put it into perspective with other jobs I’ve had in the past. Its definately not the worst one I’ve ever had. Not by far.

So, there was a small spark in my life, and for just a moment I thought it was about to change, but it didn’t. I’m still the inbetween guy, and I’m starting to settle into this role like a hand into a fine leather glove. I’m not ready for change right now. Things are too good. I certainly won’t reject change. It would be nice to have something to say when someone says “What’s news?” For now though, I’ll just keep going to the bar all the time and falling in love with four men a night that I’ll never talk to. I’ll keep flirting with the men at my coffee shop that wear wedding bands all the time, I’ll just keep living.

I’m almost ready to be 23 years old. God…I’m still so young. I thought time was going fast, but every time I look at my age, I’m reminded of just how much time I have left on this planet. Well, asuming I live a normal length life. I’m just glad that so far I get better looking every year! I can’t wait until I’m in my thirties and the men that I lust over are almost 50 and wish they had taken me when they had a chance, cause now they’re too old for me!

Their loss!

Wow, do I ever sound flakey now! hmmm….conflicting journal entries. I like that idea!

I found my tapes, the ones from my highshcool years. The many, many tapes of music that I mixed. My favorite songs from my youth. The crazy eclectic mix of thoughts, and dreams put to music that formed the body of my life. Music from an era when music seemed to mean something. Music that was something to be worshiped and not just something to be danced to.

I layed on my stomach with my head hanging over my bed, staring at the floor, listing to the million Nirvana song change into the millionth erasure song. Interspersed by the cranberries, and Barenaked ladies when they were good. I searched my soul for that place I dream of. That time when I felt the least comfortable, but not long for. I long for the safe warmness of what I had. The days I would cozy into my chair in music class, with a cold trumpet in my hand adn at the wave of Mr. Pauls hand, beautiful music would surround me. Music that I helped create. I miss the old fashion character of the building. Not the over the top cleanliness of the hotel I work in. I miss the energy of people that assume they’ll live great lives. I miss the angst, the rebellion, the hatred of society that brought us together. The naiivity, I miss most.

I stare at the floor in a semi trance watching the carpet start to move up and down with my breaths. My cat stares at me, wondering why I’m not sleeping. I should be sleeping. I’m always sleeping at this time. She gets bored and leaves to play with a plastic bag.

I feel myself fall into a micro depression. Not a real depression, but the kind of depression that grunge music was supposed to evoke. The angst we all felt. I remember crying to my mother at age 17 bawling because I was so afraid of life, and how I was going to support myself in this oncoming financial depression. The most volurable moment in my life I suppose. Now in Calgary, a job is just something you go get if you feel like having one this week.

How things change. I sit in bars asking people whatever happing to the dark, longing, disturbing, thoughtful music we used to hear. Everything is so happy now. Music has stopped becoming a reflection of society. Something, I don’t think, that has ever happened before. I’ve taken enough music classes to know that. Beethoven’s music showed the beauty and power of post revolution Europe. Sixties music reflected the tearing apart of societies belief structures. Grunge reflected youths hatred of what society had become. Have you ever listened to the backstreet boys, or Brittaney Spears, and wondered what they’re love ballads have to do with todays society.

Then again, they are a reflection aren’t they. We don’t have anything to grasp onto. Life isn’t fabulous, life isn’t horrible. We’re just in a stage of living. Nothing more, nothing less. There’s nothing to fight for, or defend. We search for a belief, we cling to old battles. We’re numb. Its calm. Its postmodern. We’re finaly there. Everything is important, and worthless at once. Everything is religion. Anything is faith. So, lets sing about nothing as though it were important, and dance to it like we expect the rain to come.