Its been much more than a month since my regular journal entries. Thats ok though, I really the only one that reads them. I’m sure anyone else that ever did gave up on me.
I don’t remember my last entry. I don’t remember where I was. I remember being lost in the world. Wondering why my friends didn’t seem to want to include me. I was single, but incredibly happy. Still am.
Things have changed. Much for the better, as summer always seems to do for me. Summer is when we all shed our clothes and drink and dance and play like no responsibilities exist. In summer they really don’t. We stop caring about work. About love. About passion. About ourselves. We just let go and let the world take us where we want to go.
I’ve gelled many friendships. Jason and I are as close as any two friends could be. I grow fonder of Jeremy the longer he’s gone. I miss him, entirely as a friend though. His boyfriend Billy is young and impressionable, and we’ve been spending all our time giving him impressions. We take field trips to the famous cruising zones and watch sexuality first hand. We go to Edmonton, to the peep shows, and show him the dark side of kink. We explain slings, and anal beads and kegel excersises. We show him how friends love each other. And we do. We are a group of people in love with each other. We support each other, and cry for each other. Jason’s going to university in fall and is scared shitless. I sacrificed time and money to make sure I was going to school with him in the fall. I’ll make him feel comfortable, and he’ll help me stick with my classes for a change.
Billy, Jeremy, Jason, Dean, Dan, Alex. This is my family. The famous “gay family” you always read about. When you don’t relate with your real one, when they aren’t a great (although well meaning) support system. Because of them, I’m giddy at singlehood. I couldn’t care less if I had a boyfriend.
That is till last wednesday. They always say it comes when least expected. Wednesday, I was working a night shift and tired to death of going out after work to the bars, for dance, for drinks, for movies, for chat. I wanted to sit in front of the television and indulge perhaps in a bucket of ice cream. Jason called, “we’re going for wings at money pennies”. I groan, but decide to go along. Jason and I meet. Jason’s friend Krista and her husband join us. We chat, and Dean joins us with his date Brent. I was jealous, guys that smart, and beautiful, and overflowing with personality never seem to desire even a light from me.
Dean wasn’t at all interested. Dean likes the young skinny boys. Brent, while incredibly attractive, isn’t exactly anorexic. The way I like them! I practictly fell for him over the course of a couple hours. Listening to Dean’s whispers that he’s going to set Jason and Brent up. And listening to Jason get all excited about it.
I excused myself for a smoke. I could smoke inside, but, I was surrounded by non-smokers, and I felt a little depressed and needed to be alone for a bit. So, I went outside.
I don’t know what happened to me in those few moments, but I dropped my passive aggressive side. I decided that nobody has ever allowed me the favour of steping aside, because I was attracted to someone. I wasn’t about to do the same. Brent wanted Dean though….what could I say though. “Hi Brent, are you new to my junior high…beware the gossip and backstabbing”
So, I let Him go for Dean, and I let my feelings go unnoticed. But we talked. Oh, did we talked. For hours at the bar while others played pool and ignored us. We’re perfect for each other. In my opinion. Perfect.
We didn’t exchange numbers…..Dean with a giddy laugh slipped Jason’s number into Brent’s pocket. I grinned, knowing I was going to win all battles in this war.
So, we dropped Brent of, angry that Dean wasn’t interested in reliieving his excessive horny streak. And I got dropped off…saying no more about it.
Online at home, I found Brent online. He was under a different nickname, but I knew it was him. We played a game. I didn’t know him and he didn’t know me. And we talked for hours that way. Every now and then making inside jokes about the fact that we knew each other. I think the rest of the chat room was confused.
“Was there any attractive men at the bar” he says
“Yes….one” I reply
“Describe him” Perhaps he wanted to know if it was him. It was.
“He was pretty much the man of my dreams. And its hard to describe perfection” I play the game.
“Why didn’t you tell him how you feel.”
“Because men like him are never interested in me”
“Perhaps he was interested, but he didn’t know you were”
“I have troubles telling people how I feel about them.” I reply fully concsious that passive shyness behind, I just out and out told him.
“you should work on that”
We said our goodbyes, he was interested in sex tonight, but relationships tomorrow. I mentioned I would be there when that happened.
Still…no phone number.
I was giddy, distracted at work. I was fully not focused on work. Thats the way I am. A man can make me fail at life with a smile. I was falling again. Quick and instant as always. I thought I had changed. I thought I refused to do that anymore. I thought I hated these emotions, because they only bring pain.
We chatted online the next evening. the battle being won, but the war just beginning. It was brief, but he gave me his number. He was going to come out with us the next night. I was to give him a call.
I called him the next day, but to my surprise he showed up at my work. As Jason pointed out “He must like you…he’s live in Calgary for only a few weeks, and had to look your work up in the phone book and walk forever to get there. He must.” I wasn’t convinced.
We met later and partied at the bar. The poor guy was new meat and everyone was all over him. I kept picturing more battles to be won. The war definatley worth it. We left together.
We stood on his balcony for hours, leaning on the rail drinking beer watching the lightning. Talking about everything. We made love. Not, wild passionate sex. We were drunk, and exhausted. Just gentle intimacy for hours. We passed out in each others arms. I was happy…I couldn’t sleep. I felt fear closing in on me. The fear that I would never get to be in this “place” with him again. A fear left by the scars on my heart. I’m sick of cross stitching it back together. I wanted to run away and just have my family of friends.
They really are wonderul my friends. There’s no bitter jealousy from Jason. He’s so happy for me. I don’t know if I’d feel the same way if the situation was reversed. I love Jason with even more of my heart now. The support he’s been giving me. Emotionaly holding my hand while I get lost in my own fears and loves. It hasn’t even been a week. But I fall hard. I don’t beat around the bush. I’m a leo with fire and passion….it takes a hard rain to put that out. I’m losing myself again. It hasn’t even been a week.
I’m leaving in half an hour to pick Brent up. We’re going to a movie. Then what…today? Tomorrow? Forever? Then what….
