Nurse Sean (dot) com

So, I’m watching the Sopranos and I was wondering what would happen if there were a gay mafia….and they had a run-in with the Sopranos….my imagination went wild! Perhaps there’s a short story in this. I already have plans.

In other news…the bar was boring. There were a few people there I knew. No guys that interested me, or people I wanted to spend a huge amount of time chatting with. So, in my usual fashion I sat on my post near the front door where I can see everything and just watched the action. I love doing this. You’d be amazed what you see if you actually look.

I know this is a short entry, but really, it was a truly uneventful night. Tonight I’m going to a BBQ at Jason’s house with Dean, Erick, and Jeremy. It should be a great time. Jason even promised to show me a picture of him in a sling from last night. I’m not quite sure I want to see that…but like a bad accident I just HAVE to see it! From his descriptions it was an interesting “date”.

Anyways, I’m out of here. Hopefully I’ll have some interesting juicy subjects to talk about tomorrow. My long weekend is slowly slipping away.

Its my four day weekend, and so far I haven’t done much at all. Last night I went out to boyztown. I love going out Thursdays. The bar is much quieter and the crowd is much more casual. You don’t have to worry about how you look, or who you’re impressing. You can just sit around and chat and enjoy the company of friends.

I went with Jason, Erick, and Dean. I spent most of the night hanging out with Ross though. Ross is an awesome guy. In fact he’s one guy that I would love to date and spend the rest of my life with. He’s attractive, caring, warm, friendly, cuddly, funny. He’s had a mad crush on me for a couple years now. We are basically best friends. I’ve tried. I’ve sat in the bar and physically tried to force myself to fall in love with him. I couldn’t do it though. All I know is that if I could fall in love with him, I would have the perfect man to spend the rest of my life with. I’ve learned though that even two years of trying can’t make you fall for someone if it wasn’t meant to be!

Today I sat on my couch for about nine hours and watched nine episodes of the Sopranos. I love that show…and I think that James Gandolfini is the hottest thing since Russel Crowe in Gladiator (I’m starting to wonder if I’m attracted to power…LOL) however, nine hours was a bit much. Then again…I did watch thirty hours of twin peaks in a row once. I was young, unemployed, and had time to waste though…..and its the best show EVER!

I’m not sure I’ve mentioned this, but I started doing Yoga a couple weeks ago. I missed my studies of Hinduism from school (Hindu philosophy was my major…..don’t ask) so I thought this would be a great way to get in touch with Hinduism again. It really has been a rewarding experience! It is incredible relaxing to get into a pose and just meditate, releasing the days stresses. I was excited to do my yoga today, but my mom came home early and I’m to embarassed to do it in front of people.

As you can see, my life isn’t all that exciting the last few weeks. Perhaps it just seems a little mundane since my trip to Vancouver. Its like eating a $150 meal one day and then eating at Denny’s the next day. Its just not as good…even though it tasted great before the $150 meal.

Perhaps I’ll have an exciting night and will have pages of emotional ranting and raving to get off my chest. Probably not though. I’m sure I WILL have a good time though

So, the thing is that I hate somebody. I’m horrible at hating people. I don’t like the feeling of disliking somebody and I hate even more the guilty feeling I get in the pit of my stomache. I’m talking of course about disliking someone for no good reason. Its easy to dislike someone who is a horrible person or who does a horrible thing. I hate hating good people.

The girl in question is one that I work with. No, not my beloved eyeshadow girl or Dayle the best employee…its the new supervisor that I work with (note that I didn’t say work FOR) I was in heaven when they hired her. My work week went from 60 hours to about 35. I now shared responsibilities and duties and a lot of the pressures of my job were diminished.

However, she’s a snobby, arrogant, know-it-all, bossy, condescending, bitchy, moody, never talks, obviously hates me and thinks I’m an idiot, treats me like a kid, never asks…allways demands. I’m sure you’ve met the type of person. Nothing is ever good enough. Yet, instead of doing something about it, she just orders me to do it.

Any place you work, you will discover a striving for a team style environment. You work together, not as lackies under one person. This is rarely the case. However, we had achieved this. I was the boss, but only in my duties, and what I was responsible for. I never had to ask, or demand that people would do something, because everyone knew that they would be leting EVERYONE down, not just me. It was great.

All of a sudden we have a boss who demands things…not asks. Even me, her equal. We, at least, should be working as a team, and should be polite to each other. I’m sick of her attitude and whining though. So are most people. We have enough shit to deal with at work without someone who craves power and attention.

We miss our casual laid back work environment.

I’m sick of forcing myself to like her just because I hate hating people. I won’t do that anymore!

I don’t know what’s wrong. I’m struck with a lack of desire or ability to write about my life or even be introspective. At the worst of times, I’m still able to pull a philosophical thought out of my head and relate it to my life.

Something’s wrong though. I even posted my last entry in hope that it would make me think, and give me something to write about. I read it and it seems to be complete. I’m sure its not complete. I could probably analyze it to death, relating it to my life and every decision I’ve made. Normaly I could write about nothing for hours if I decided…like I’m doing now. Nothing though, I’m writing this in desperation. I’m grasping at straws for things to write. I see things every day and think “I should write about it” when I sit down to do so…I draw a blank.

Could this be writer’s block, or am I just sick of talking about life. Perhaps I feel thats its time to stop thinking about and to start “doing” life. I’m fearful that my entries will be boring to write and to read. I want to be able to look back to months previous and think “Wow…that journal entry was incredible”

I’m tired of sitting here and knowing that I have a million deep thoughts and a million things to write about, but not being able to actually physicaly write them down.

I’ll start with the past couple days. Not much has happened. I’ve just worked. Yes, I have a million thoughts on work. My mind is cloudy and I don’t know what they are anymore. I dyed my hair black with blue highlights. Why? There’s probably a really interesting reason. I don’t remember why. I met a man online who is perfect for me…and lives in Montreal. I’ve always wanted a man like him, I’ve dreamed many times of moving to Montreal. Why don’t I care. Two months ago I would have been excited and desperately prounce upon his internet words. Now, I’m just numb.

What’s happened to me. Nothing ever creates emotions in me anymore. I’m simply numb. I don’t care about anything. I just continue to let the days march on. But the band has stopped playing.

If this is what that time is during transition is like. That time between one part of your life and another…perhaps I’m lucky and something exciting is coming along. This is how I always pictured transition. Everything coming to a stop, then changing directions.

I was going to write today about who knows what. Probably just my general entry where I start with a thought and just keep writing till my mind is empty.

Today though, I came accross what was called “the lost signs of the zodiac” I have in fact seen these before in a book that my cousin bought. Reading my “lost zodiac sign” was incredible. Usually I’m weary of this type of thing, because I know that a lot of these descriptions are just blanket descriptions that could describe just about anyone. However, I was blown away that this paragraph was able to sum up my personality better than I ever could. So, if you’ve ever wondered what I’m like…..read on….

THE GREAT BEAR
Ursa Major
August 8-15 & August 24-September 10

GUIDING STARS: Those born between August 8 and 15 are overned by Dubhe and Merak, the two stars known as ‘the pointers’ as they point to the North Pole. People born August 24-September 10 are ruled by Phekda, Megrez, Alioth and Mizar, which lie along the Great Bear’s tail and form the handle of the Plough, or Big Dipper.

PRECIOUS STONE: Moonstone

PLANT: Willow

The Star Sign
Of all the ancient signs beyond the zodiac, the Great Bear, which
dominates the Northern Pole, is the grandest and most powerful. his is the ‘royal sign’. It is queen of all that it surveys, as it circles slowly round the Pole, and those born under it, even the many who do not hold the reins of power, are always personalities built on a grand scale. There is nothing mean or petty about their outlook on the world, and they pride themselves on their breadth of vision. ‘Renaissance man’, who knew enough about most subjects to ensure he had a rounded view of life, is their ideal, and they have no time for those who concentrate on just one field. This can put them at a disadvantage in the modern world, although usually they are more than able to look after themselves. They have strength and courage, as well as an instinctive understanding of other people, which makes it easy for them to delegate dull tasks. The details of daily existence bore them because their minds work best when engaged on the grand scheme of things. As a result, they may seem lazy, but they are not pretentious and they admire true soul and simplicity far more than sophistication. In fact, unless worldly power and wealth are thrust upon them, they would far rather go without the luxuries of life than waste time and energy pursuing meaningless and trivial
things. When they need to, though, they can motivate large groups of people - and win loyalty and support through thick and thin - with alarming ease. They do not waste words and there is usually a great deal more going on inside their heads than they admit as they also have a solitary side. Both the bear and the virgin goddess, who were worshipped as one, are loners, and those born beneath the Great Bear’s stars never follow the herd blindly. They need space, solitude and contact with the wildnesses of nature to make them feel relaxed and whole - and to give them time to see life in the round. Without room to breathe, they can become bad-tempered - for which bears, of course, are famous - and anyone who trespasses on their private inner realm can expect to receive short shrift. And one blow from bear’s paw, as everybody knows, can bring a strong man down. But usually they do not mean to hurt others and often do not realize how devastating their ill-humour can be to those who come too close when they want to be alone. Beneath their gruff exterior, they are kindly and affectionate people, and, when they are feeling sociable they show quite a different side to their nature. Then, they are the soul of warmth and generosity and it is thanks to their great charm and humour - and their approachability - at such times that they are so popular and can make so many loyal and lifelong friends. Even though they can be moody, they are honest, so that you always know exactly where you are with them, for good or bad. They may not say what they are thinking, but they do show their real emotions at times. They are also very loyal, in turn, to anyone with whom they form a true bond, and friendship is important to them, as are their children, to whom they dedicate a great deal of energy and time. Affectionate, loyal and honest they may be, with a sardonic sense of humour but, to understand them, it is necessary also to understand why they sometimes need to be alone. The bear, as we have seen, is a symbol of the ancient virgin goddess, who was independent, free and self- contained. She stands for the inner wholeness which does not need to rely on others for meaning and fulfilment. That wholeness is the true life-goal of those born under the Great Bear. This does not mean, of course, that they are always aware of their purpose, nore does it mean that they do not form relationships with others. But it does mean that they are independent and self-sufficient. They need freedom and they respect that need in others. They have a natural understanding that the winds of heaven must always be allowed to blow between them and those with whom they are involved - otherwise no one concerned can change and grow.

…..so, my goal for tomorrow is to take this paragragh and analyze a few of the lines as they relate to my life. I’m up for that challenge and that style of self analysis. Whether or not zodiacs are “real” this was an incredibly accurate way of describing me. I hope a lot of self knowledge will come from this introspective analysis….

tomorrow…

I’m not so truly sure why, but I have been completely lacking in inspiration to write in my journal since I arrived back from Vancouver. Even when I did write about Vancouver, I was unable to fully explore my feelings of the trip. Perhaps my emotions on the subject are imposible to describe. There’s nothing to compare them to, and there was no occurances, just a plain and simple experience of a life more my style.

I must move on from Vancouver though. I continue with my goal of moving to Vancouver by the end of the year. However, my mind has been so completely occupied by these thoughts that I haven’t had time to continue my journal. In fact, my mind has been wondering so far and often, that I barely even remember the past couple weeks.

All I know is that work is quite literaly sliding down a slippery slope of enjoyability! Every day myself and everyone I work with enjoy our jobs less. Its an excrutiating experience, especially when I looked Amanda in the eyes and said, “I remember when this job was so fun that I couldn’t sleep at night, because I was so excited to go to work.” Now, Its probably the least enjoyable job I’ve ever had. I’m sick of my bosses brushing of these exact feelings that none of us our too shy to share, by telling us that they pay more than other Starbucks, so we should be quiet and happy. What kind of idiots do they think we are! Every single one of us knows how easy jobs are to get in Calgary, especially with a new Starbucks opening practicaly every day. We don’t care about pay. When are they going to get it through their fucking minds that happiness will keep an employee….not $1.00 more an hour.

Enough about work for now, it stresses me out. My great weekend started on Friday. Actually Friday was a wierd day for me. I did something I’m completely ashamed of, but I completely respect my decision. I went out for a beer with Amanda. The inevitable question came “Sean, are you gay?” I immediately replied “No”.

Now, I felt horrible. I’ve always told myself that I refuse to walk around being a gay poster child and shouting out to everyone I meet that I’m gay. Not that I’m not proud, but in most situations its just not important. And in this city, you have to be really careful who you came out to. However, I always told myself that if anyone asked me, I would be completely truthful, because I could completely respect their courage to ask me. This method works wonders for me. I’ve realized that only people comfortable enough to ask, are truly comfortable in knowing the truth. When Amanda asked me though, I just couldn’t say “yes”. I know for a fact that part of it was the constant scrawlings on bathroom walls about my sexuality. “I’m gonna kick that fucking Starbucks faggot’s ass”, or “I hate that fat faggot that works at Starbucks” I couldn’t really give two shits about these giant permanent marker sayings….I just rolled my eyes, because this is just the type of city I live in….you get used to it. With this attitude going around certain people of the hotel (who obviously discovered my status…really not hard with about two minutes worth of digging around) and my other belief that I don’t want my sexuality to be a part of my workplace I felt unable to be truthful. I remember my friend Jason who was the smartest, funniest man I’ve ever met. He came out of the closet…immediately splitting the workplace in two…those that hated him suddenly and those that didn’t. Neither group would talk to each other. Jason, being the way he was proved everyone wrong and one person even said “Jason, you’re the reason I don’t hate gay people anymore.” That truly is a compliment. However…that entire ordeal scared me shitless when it comes to coming out at work. I know I could trust Amanda. She’s one of my best friends. I’m still ashamed of myself and my cowardess.

My weekend started after a nap Friday evening. Then off to the bar off course. It was the usual Friday night with the usual people music and atmosphere. I was in a good mood, so I had a generaly good time.

Saturday was the real fun! Brent, Jason, Erick, Jeremy, dean, myself and the hottest, but most annoyingly immature 21 year old (can’t remember the name) all met at Jason’s house. We ordered some pizza and chatted, having a great time. I was greatful to feel like a part of a group for a change. We all got dressed in our best clothes and made our way to the Calgary Men’s Chorus concert (a gay choir) to watch our friend Alex perform. The concert was a thousand times better and more enjoyable then I could ever have dreamed. After the concert, we mingled and cruised the many people we have never seen because they never show up at the bar. Then it was time to hit the gay coffee shop. We continued our chat until 11pm and then moved on over to the backlot a quiet little lounge that we took over and made noisy! Then we hit the big bar….boyztown. It was a fabulous night! Ross, my very good friend that I never get to party with because he works at boyztown every night was off, because it was his birthday. Him and I went from bar station to bar station seeing how many free birthday shooters we could get. Fortunately it was a lot! So, in a tipsy state I made my way back to the group.

Jason was jealous because he has a wild crush on Jeremy and Jeremy was making out with the incredibly hot, but annoyingly immature guy who’s name I forget. I was jealous, because even though I gave up on Jeremy, I still have a wild crush on him and I get to be jealous of Jason and the incredibly hot, but immature guy who’s name I forget. Jason and I decided we absolutely HAD to break this little flirt between them off and decided it was time to leave! We were Jeremy’s ride home.

After Jeremy left Jason and I had a great chat. About men, people, us, Jeremy….my sad ability to fall for the wrong people! Jason and I haven’t talked like that for awhile. It felt great. I finally made an effort to be apart of a group and I think it finally paid off. Enough of this whining about not being a part of a group. I’m well aware that its only because of the lack of effort on my part. I’ll get there!

And what a FABULOUS Sunday this has been!!!! My favorite actress AND my favorite actor won the best actor awards! GO RUSSELL (drooooool) AND JULIA

…..I refuse to die until I marry one of them!

Its been a week since I came back from Vancouver. Since 2:40pm last Sunday when my airplane pulled into the Calgary gate, my life has been a haze. I haven’t written, simply because I haven’t been in the mood. I’ve been introspective to the point that I couldn’t even share my thoughts with myself. I mostly don’t even remember the past week, I’ve been dead to the outside world and dead to myself with exception to a quiet revolution growing withing me.

A week and a half ago on Thursday I walked outside of the hotel I work in with a backpack and a small carry-on sized suitcase. I sat outside the hotel smoking a cigarette thinking “I can’t believe I’m about to do this”. I was about to get on a bus to the airport and leave to Vancouver by myself. Not knowing a single person, not wanting to know anyone. I was getting away from everyone, everything and every stresser or emotional sentiment I know.

The bus slipped out of the downtown core and towards the airport as I stared at the window wondering what was ahead. I was clueless to what I would find.

The airport was the usual airport. There was a strange, quiet excitment brought on by hundreds of people, all going somewhere. All of them bound for an adventure. All of them excited to be leaving this hopeless city.

I love taking off on an airplane. Its a huge rush, even after the hundreds of plane rides I’ve taken. You slowly, for what seems for hours cruise along a runway at about the speed of a car. Then you stop, turn a corner, stop again. Before you know it you’re hurtling at 200km an hour along a runway. The world goes by faster than it ever seemed possible. This incredible run of the airplane seems to last for minutes, even though its only a few seconds. Just when you think that you’re about to run out of runway, the world drops out from under you. Its like going up an extremely fast elevator. I watch as I fly over my house and I can even point it out. I watch as the city disapears and all you can see is a patchwork quilt of farm land, seperated by the transcanada highway. A couple minutes later we’re over the rocky mountains and I spot banff. An hour and a half drive has just been done in less than five minutes. An eerie mist slowly, in almost a fairy tale like moment starts to form underneath the airplane and the mountain dissapear and I’m staring at the clouds from the top. I turn my attention to my magazine.

I spent about an hour flipping through my magazine, and looked out the window. I felt the sudden jolt of the plane beginning to fall. This part always gets me, and adrenaline fills my body before I realize that we’re simply beginning our decent into Vancouver. We fall towards the coulds that we’ve been looking down on for the last hour and are suddenly withing them. Landing in thick clouds is an interesting experience. You can physicaly feel that your falling at an immense rate, but when you look out the window all you see is white, no movement at all. An then like in a fairy tale, the mists disapeared and the City of Vancouver began rising towards me. A massive cities towered over by mountains and houses only ending where ocean begins.

The airplane landed and I followed the croud through the airport and towards the exit. I sat down waiting for the bus to my hotel, smoking a cigarette as I did outside the hotel in Calgary. Thinking, “Oh my god, I can’t believe I just did that” Spontaneously leaving to a new city where I don’t know a single person just isn’t like me at all. Fear set in. However, it began to rain the most beautiful rain. I have a love affair with rain, and this was the first time I had seen any since August. Actual rain in the middle of March. Back home it was cold, and snow was on the ground. Here, the flowers were blooming and the refreshing rains were warming my soul. The air smelt of ocean. I savoured the smell. I know that after a few minutes this smell is washed away by the smells of the city not to be smelt till the next time you visit.

I quietly stared out the bus window for the hour long ride, slowly watching the downtown core grow bigger and bigger, and the immensly sized mountain loom above the skyscrapers hold their dominant position. The city was so beautiful, just as I remembered it. Many, many bridges took us over the many vast inlets and rivers. We passed countless public gardens, already in bloom (To some blooming flowers in March is normal, for someone like me that doesn’t see this till may….its amazing). We passed the sight of expo 86, my first memory of Vancouver. We passed the hotel I always stayed in with my parents. We drove along the busy harbour, the most beautiful piece of water I’ve ever layed my eyes on. We arrived at my beautiful hotel.

My room was fifteen stories up and overlooked the entire harbour, with boats floating back and forth and the mountains growing out of the opposite shore.

I sat on my balcany and stared in awe. The beauty and the warmth, and calmess of the city always hits me like a brick wall. I’m always paralyzed by its energy for the first couple hours I’m there, and I can do nothing but stare.

I got off my ass eventually though and decided that it was time to take a walk and discover the gay bars. I discovered the city that night, simply by walking through it. The most common saying about my hometown Calgary is that its a big city, with a small town atmosphere. I discovered that this is just a euphamism for a large town that lacks any personality whatsoever. Vancouver was alive. You could feel its sould around you and the engery flowing in a breathing motion. The people were vibrant and not as stuck up and high on themselves as Calgarians seem to be. The streets at 11pm on a Thursday night were busier than Calgary’s streets at the busiest time of the day. The greatest thing was that you could feel that people were happy, and calm. It almost feels as though there isn’t a care in the world. Work is what you do so you can play….not what you do to impress your friends. Dressing stylish is what you do if you feel like dressing that way. Nobody exaults you for it, or puts you down for it. It takes awhile to get used to the beggers, but even the beggers there are great people. It was wierd walking down the street and seeing a high class women, stop and greet her old friend, the neighbourhood heroin addict. Nobody looked at you, nobody cared about you nobody spent their day judging every person they passed on the street. These are all staples of Calgary living.

The bars were nothing special, no different then the bar in Calgary, except for the fact that there are many many many gay bars in Vancouver. The most incredible fact being that they are all on the same street in Vancouver called Davie’s street. I was actually in a gay ghetto. Only three of these exist in Canada. Vancouver, Toronto, and Montreal. On this street I saw what gay life could be. Straight people walking comfortably among gay people (as opposed to Calgary, where I’ve seen many people jaws drop, or mad scrambles for a girlfriends hand at the sight of a gay person….in Calgary you just don’t show your alternative sexuality…the entire city is generally homophobic) I saw two gay men in track suits walking down the street pushing a baby carriage. I’ve never seen such a beautiful place in my life. I’ve never felt so comfortable. I realized that even in the bars in Calgary, people closet themselves, they don’t feel comfortable with their sexuality. They lack any self esteem, because in a city like Calgary, your sexuality is always used against you. Every government in the city, and province are always working against you. It is such the opposite here. Its true freedom. Or am I kidding myself?

These were my general views of Vancouver, and I spent my entire time simply exploring the city and relaxing at coffee shops, soaking up the incredible energy of the most densly populated city in north america (besides New York of course)

I felt more like Vancouver was my home in three days than I have in Calgary in 23 years. I was meant to live in Vancouver! This city is my style. That was the only thought on my mind as the airplane flew out over the pacific ocean and the mists grew underneath me during our turn towards Calgary. And as I saw the mountains disappear and the city of Calgary appear underneath me, a tear fell from my eye. I felt as though I had left prison on a weekend pass and it was time to return to my torment.

I’ve spent the week making finacial plans to move to Vancouver, depressed by the thought that its going to take months to get there. I’m going to do this though. Its the first time in my life I’ve told myself that I have a goal, and I’m going to finish it or die trying. I’ve given myself a deadline as well. I want to celebrate New years eve 2002 in my appartment in downtown Vancouver. It may take me longer to get there, but thats what I’m shooting for. My absolute deadline is one year from now. March 2002, I haven’t decided how to deal with my punishment if I don’t make it. I’m asuming I won’t need one. I’m leaving on a jet plane for Vancouver withing a year, and I don’t know when I’ll be back again. It will be the hardest struggle of my life. I need to make it on my own though, far away from any support system. I need to rip apart from my shity life, and create a new one in my favorite metropolis in the world. The most beautiful city in existence. The city voted the second best place in the world next to Geneva Switzerland…..

Vancouver….my future home….

I think the most fascinating part about Vancouver is that you can truly be alone while surrounded by millions.

Or you can choose to feel surrounded by the energy these people create for the city.

It all depends on how you feel that day….

I must move here…

I love this city…and this city definately loves me!

Leo’s Rain

My dad carrying me kicking and screaming when I was 5 because I didn’t want to go to school. Clinging to every nailed-down object while he tugs at my legs.

Tomorrow, when its time to get on the plane back to Calgary. The pilot (hopefully sexy) pulling at my legs while I cling to the airport terminal, screaming and crying “I DON’T WANNNNNAAAAAA!!!!”

*sigh*

Not too much to say. I’m safely lost in the gay district of Vancouver looking for a specific bar!

ARG!

I have so much to say and tell even 5 hours into the trip. I’m paying for this time, so I think I’ll keep my updates to a minimum.

I’m having a great time…I feel VERY alone…and I love it! Quite scary though.

Anyways, I gotta find my hotel before survivor starts!

Leo’s Rain